Wedding next month.... WTF?!!!!!?

Question

ok, long story short. during my depression about alittle over a year ago,it was found that fiance cheated on me. We went thru all the regular hoopla and with counseling i decided that he was worth working it out. But, only once will i forgive that behavior. So, he started building his trust back and things were going well with him promising not to ever do that again to me. So, never bringing it up again, we moved on. To today and our wedding being weeks away. He is bugging the F out!!!! I mean, according to him, I am doing something behind his back. He's acting over jealous to the point of even checking up on me while out with girlfriends. truly embarrassing. you know what they say, that when a man is acting like that, he is doing something and he's guilty. I want to believe that he learned his lesson the first time and wouldnt think of doing it again. especially after almost losing his family, but why is he acting this way. I thought that maybe he set his mind up to believe that I am going to pay him back, but i reassured him that I am not that person and if he thinks that I am ,then we do not need to be together. Last night, i went and had a few drinks with two of my girlfriends and then afterwards we went to a regular place to grab something to eat (to go),, we see some old school friends we knew (male and female), gave hugs and were briefly chatting. i go to get my cell phone to store a number and he is calling. i answer and he starts yelling at me and says something about the guy i was talking to.. so that told me he was outside. i step outside and i see him walking all fast to the car. i follow and when i get to his car, he drives right pass me. i was sooo embarrassed out my mind. on the ride home, i was sitting there trying to figure out what just happened and i got angry. this is starting to be a problem and if it involves him feeling like he cant trust me, we dont have any foundation to stand on like i thought. this behavior has just started in the last month or so. why? i dont know. i am home all the time with the kids. he comes home when he feels like it and no one is supposed to say a word. its do as i say, not as i do. I dont work that way. this is scaring me and while i am so inlove with this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, i cant help but entertain the thought of cutting my losses and calling off the wedding. how are we supposed to enjoy each other when he is acting this way. Yes,he cheated, but I dont believe in that. I woudnt do that to him. If someone wants to be with other people then they shouldnt be in a relationship at all. less stress and problems,plus you arent putting someones feelings on the chopping block. When i got in last night, i thanked him for embarrassing me over nothing and then ignored him completely and went to sleep. i dont have anything to say to him. He owes me an apology and explanation of his actions. I have put up with a lot throughout the years and this drama at this point is not what i need.we should be pass this kiddie games and enjoying each other as two loving adults. What to do, what to do?

Answer 1

That's rough, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all this. I've been cheated on before, and I know all the feelings that go along with it. It's unpleasant to say the least. It's really unfair of him to hurt you so badly, and then on top of it put you through more c**p. It's just not cool.

If I were in your situation, this is what I'd do : I'd lay it all out there and tell him exactly how his behavior is making me feel. I'd also give him an ultimatum. Straighten up or leave. I would NOT put up with it.

However, each person is different so you have to do it the way that you feel in your heart is the best. Perhaps you should postpone the wedding and get counseling. Entering into a marriage on less than good terms isn't the best idea.

Good luck.  

Answer 2

1. he cheated

2. he is stalking  

3.  he is trying to control your life

This is not good.  You know what to do-- it just looks like a hard and painful decision right now.  

Answer 3

TALK to him first. Ask him why he's acting so crazy, and tell him if it persists you'd have no problem calling off the wedding. If he doesn't get it, or just continues doing what he's doing, then call off the wedding.

You're right when you say you won't have a strong foundation for your marriage  if he's acting like this even when you're NOT married. That is not something you'd want to live with in the long run, and certainly not something your children should use as a model for their behaviour during relationships.

Answer 4

Ok, so I read through as much as I could. I have a question for you in return: why are you asking strangers online if you should stay in an abusive relationship? You haven't mentioned ONE reason why you shouldn't be packing up and leaving as fast as you can, and you've mentioned several why you should. Go to a woman's shelter, and even if you aren't going to leave him for there, talk to a counsellor.  

Answer 5

you guys need to sit down, have a brutally honest and open conversation about exactly what is going on and how the other feels about situations.  Agree before hand that there will be n9o yelling and if something is really making you that upset you will both walk to seperate rooms for a few minutes, calm down, then come back to the conversation.

I don't know why he is accusing you of cheating when he was the one who did it first.  Now, if you told him that his situation was in the past leave it there (and other than the point I jsut brought up MAYBE being mentioned) don't bring it up.

Pretty much explain to him what you did here. If it helps, get your thoughts in order, write down certain things you definately want to get out (as things tend to be forgotten as you get off topic in those conversations).  Don't read from the paper but have it there to refer to so you get EVERYTHING out and don't have to go through that twice.

I'm sorry to say, but if you can't work through it it may be best for both of you to go your seperate ways.  Not the best way to start a marriage.

Good luck hun! I hope things work out and wish you all the happiness in the world no matter what the outcome!

Answer 6

You need to have a good long chat with him and thoroughly dicuss everything. Ask him why he doesn't trust you, and tell him you don't like being embarrassed. You can't marry each other if you don't trust each other.

And next tim, if you want to ask a question, use paragraphs and keep it as short as possible.

Answer 7

Usually when a guy gets like that he knows how easy it is to cheat. Some times they try to put the focus on you instead of him. You really need to figure it out before the wedding. All cards on the table -don't let him leave until you talk.

Answer 8

Strange...you try to act like a grownup, get involved sexually, shack up with a man for years, have children without any legal commitment, he strays, you forgive, then you decide that it might be time to get married. Why? Need some assurance of permanence? Seems like it is YEARS too late for you to be asking for advice from people who function with more maturity than you've ever shown. You write like a 12 year old - no, wait, that is an insult to 12 year olds! Slow down. Talk to a counsellor again, re-assess your past decisions and start making good ones. Are you planning a wedding out of a)desperation, b)envy of young women who waited for marriage before acquiring a family, or c) boredom with your life. Your confused, garbled question doesn't really sound like you are basing anything on respect, maturity,or genuine love so maybe it's time to call the guests and cancel the event.

Answer 9

You said yourself this guy scares you...why do you want to be with someone like that? Yes you love him but do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't trust you because he's made mistakes yet you have to suffer the consequences? People like him don't change. The faster you realize that and get out the faster you can find someone who doesn't have issues and will live and breathe to make you and your child happy.

Answer 10

I think that I would be suspicious of his behavior if I were you - but, I would also be very scared of his behavior. It sounds like he is trying to control your every move - and that is definitely not a good thing. I would hate to see you go into a marriage with a person who is treating you more like their children then their equal. If he was checking up on his children the way he was checking up on you that would be one thing - but to follow you around like that is unacceptable.

You need to sit down and have a talk with him as soon as possible. You need to explain to him that you love him - but you don't want to go the rest of your life being treated like a child rather than a partner/wife. If you were going to have an affair it would happen either way - whether he is watching your every move or not. But you aren't having an affair and his behavior is insulting and embarrassing. It's time to "put all your cards on the table" as they say - find out where you really stand with him. If you feel unsure, then don't marry him. Right now you can walk out with no questions asked - as soon as your married it is a lot harder to get out of.  

Answer 11

wow that's alot! yes he cheated I would not have taken him back but that is all on you. I don't think he is still cheating I think that he is just scared that you will. My ex did the same thing after he cheated on me. then when I asked him about it he said it was all in my head and I was making it up. I ended it with him we were together for 3 years. If you think this may be a problem I would post pone the wedding until he can get himself straighted out. this is your life to and you should not have to deal with this. If you think he is cheating on you again then follow him around in a friends car when he gets off of work to see where he is going go in a friends car that he doesnt know so he wont have suspect anything. if he called to tell you he is going somewhere or staying at work late drive by see if his car is there. have him check in with you give him the same treatment he is giving you.  your the innocent one here not him.  

Answer 12

If this behavior has come about all of a sudden, it sounds to me like one of two things:

1) he has cheated again, OR

2) he is purposefully trying to give you a reason to break things off with him and somehow make you look like the bad guy in the process.  Guys hate looking like the bad guy!

Give him a chance to explain what the deal is.  If you see him really trying to stick to his guns that you're up to no good, it's best to call it quits.

Answer 13

Call it off and dump him, right away! If he is like this now, how is he going to be after you get married? I see early signs of him ending up being a wife beater: stalking, random accusations, does not want you out with your friends. Not good. Get out and away now.