**Wedding planning/etiquette question**?

Question

I'm getting a little bit frustrated with my in-laws...My fiance and I had our date set for 6/21/09, but were asked to change it because of my mother-in-law's family religious beliefs. That wasn't too big of a deal since it was pretty easy to change the venue date and everything, but now the mother-in-law is declaring she will be sending out "at least" 75 invites, not the 50 I designated her and her husband. My goal was to have 150 guests (200 invites TOPS sent out) and guests were to be split between by mom, dad, step-dad (all divorced), fiance/me, mother/father in laws. MY parents are paying for the wedding.

What should I do? Set strict guidelines? Tell them they have to help pay? Let them do whatever and just expect my parents to deal with it? Help please! Thanks!

Answer 1

i am glad my fiance has no family lol....

anyways just tell her that you are limited on how many people can be invited and that is why they were given 50... have your fiance back you up. make sure you approve the invites that she is sending before she sends them, but if she is determined she might just get cheap invites and send them to the people that she cant send to.... good luck....

Make your fiance help you....

Answer 2

sit down, have a  talk calmly and rationally to your soon to be mother in law.  explain that you divided the guest lists so every one could invite an equal amount of guests.   tell her your parents are only prepared or able to pay for only 50 of their guests and would they mind chipping in to make this a joyous occasion for all.  diplomacy is of the utmost importance to the wife in training, [you].

Answer 3

It's really an issue of letting them know that it is your wedding, ask them to limit it to the 50 guests that you and your fiance have let them have. If they are still set on inviting all their friends ask them to host a separate dinner so everyone can be appeased. This way they're paying for the extra guests and no one feels too slighted.

Answer 4

tell her that you have a budget & that you only gave her 50 for a reason. (unless she's willing to pay for that extra 25)

if you're not sure how to go about it, maybe ask your fiance to talk to her. but that is not right of her. it's YOUR special day, not hers. Don't let this woman step all over you and shower on your parade, because she will be the worst, meanest mother in law. Once she knows she can do whatever she wants she'll never stop! good luck!

Answer 5

have your fiance talk to his mother and if it still doesn't work then set rules. tell her that it is your rules unless she wants to pay for half then she can have that many invites. good luck and congratulations!!

Answer 6

It's your wedding not her's so tell her that you meant it when you said 50 invites only, tell her that there will be no seats for the others if she does go ahead and invite them anyway. Good Luck with that.

Answer 7

DONT let your mother in law walk all over you! if you let her do it now, it will never stop!! trust me!!!  i would politely inform her that you have only made arrangments for a certain amount of guests and it wouldn't be fair to the rest of the family sending out invites if she got to invite more people and especially if she is not helping pay for it.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Sit her down and tell her you would love to have the entire family share in the day you become a member of their family.  Financially, it's just not possible.  Share some of the cost  with her so she can see how things are adding up for your parents.  Be honest with her.  Set the tone now for the rest of your relationship.  Honest straight forward communication.  

My MIL has 13 brothers and sisters (all living within 50 mi of us!).  When all was said and done, we invited 4.  It was a hard conversation, but I'm glad we had it.

Best of luck!

Answer 9

Talk to your fiance. this is not something YOU should have to tell your mother in law. Are your parents paying? or you? If your parents are involved, have them come and talk to your fiance. Im worried that this is a preview of worse things to come so you may want to stand firm if only for setting a precedent to her that she cannot walk all over you. How rude. You would NEVER think of doing that would you?I wouldnt.

Another way is to have your husband call and apologize in a obsequious way saying Oh we are so sorry that there is this misunderstanding. Evidently you didnt  hear that only 50 can be invited.  He needs to be firm and just talk over any 'buts' she may have. This would be a test for him since if he is not going to stick up for you you need to know it now. She is wrong

I do not agree with those who say let them pay for any over 50. It is an insult to your parents or to you ( whomever is paying) It is like saying well this wedding isnt good enough  for us.

Answer 10

Your fiance needs to do this to prevent friction between you and his family.  Insist that he have this conversation with them, it's the right thing to do.  Have him say, "Sorry Mom, but with Jenny's parents paying for the wedding, their finances are going to allow for 150 guests, that's firm.  Since that amount has to be split among several people, the 50 that Jenny told you is what you'll need to stay within."  Don't have him give her any other options, don't have him apologize, he needs to stay firm on this.

Answer 11

This is still your wedding. Your future MIL is the one who has breached etiquette here. There is nothing wrong with gently reminding her that each parent/set of parents has been given an allotment of invites and that you're sorry there isn't room for negotiations on guest list size at this particular stage in planning. If you're open to the idea you can also welcome her to invite over the allotment, if she would like to cover the cost of the extras since they don't fit into your budget.

There is no reason to put that extra weight on your parents.

There is more than one way to get off on the wrong foot with your MIL. You can be nice about not giving her her way, but it's best not to start off by letting her steamroll you into something that you're not comfortable with.

Answer 12

Tell her tactfully that your budget can only handle 150 guests.

OR If she wants to pay for any extra, have her talk it over with your parents.  

OR If your parents don't mind paying for extra guests, the you don't have to say anything to her.

Communication!

Answer 13

just explain to her your parents cannot afford over the 200 ppl limit, if they want to invite more, just give your parents the money for it. if they don't like it, then they don't invite ppl. if they can't get along, just go and elope

Answer 14

Here's what I did:

First, talk to the husband-to-be.  Find out what he wants.  Compromise and figure out what is important to him.  If he's okay with the number, then move on...

Now, if you are okay with them increasing their list IF THEY PAY, tell them that you have only budgeted for "x" amount (50) of invites but if they would like to pitch in the money for their extra guests, then so be it.

However, if you are set on the NUMBER and don't want any more people (if it's not about the money) then let them know that.  You h-t-b should do the talking (it's his family) but you should be there to support (and speak up when he has lost words..).  Let them know it's not about the money, but you want a small wedding, with only the guests you have allotted.

Answer 15

Give her a blank sheet that says, "wedding invitees, parents' list" and has 50 spaces for names and addresses. If she says she needs to invite 75, just tell her, "sorry, but to keep the wedding in budget and the size that we wanted EVERYONE has to limit their guest list." This gives her an opportunity to offer to pay for her 25 extra guests. If you're wholeheartedly willing to do that, then go for it, if not then just use the size reason to decline.

You are under no obligation to invite any of her guests, let alone the 50 you are inviting.

Answer 16

I agree with pinkdaisy... do not let your mother-in-law walk all over you now!!  She must help with extra costs if she is insistent on those extra people.  And make sure you and fiance let her know that it is in no way fair to play favorites with anyone.  With so many branches of the family, you can't fluff one branch at the expense of another.

And make sure you speak with your parents on this issue!!  Since they are paying, they will certainly be speaking up on this.

Answer 17

If it were me, I would say "my parents are paying for the amount I originally suggested, and if you want to invite more you are more then welcome too but, you need to pay for any additional dishes".  I don't think its fair for your parents to pay for there 75 friends if you only designated 50 dishes to them.. stick to what you want, its your wedding!

Answer 18

I think you were being extra fair allowing 50 invites.  

I would tell your in-laws this:

"I know that it is important to you that your closest friends and family are at the wedding.  But my parents have given us a budget based on 200 guests.  I am tyring to stay within that limit.  If there are people that you would like to invite beyond the 50 we originally agreed to, we are going to have to ask that you help by paying for those guests."

Answer 19

can i come to ur wedding please - so i don't have to crash it!

Answer 20

Your fiance should have a pleasant but frank conversation with his mother - HE should deal with it. She'll take it way better from him.

"Mom, I noticed that you have 75 people on your guest list, when Sally and I had planned on 50 from this side of the family. As much as we'd like to invite everyone, we simply can't afford it, and we can't expect Sally's parents to contribute anything above what they've already planned. We need to trim this list back down to 50, unless you and Dad are willing to make up the cost of the extra guests."

Seriously, he needs to step up. Your parents shouldn't be expected to pay more than they've already designated because your MIL can't stick to her "guest budget." She either needs to trim her list to your original number, or she should pay for the additional guests' costs.

Answer 21

If you set the rule at 50 and your mother-in-law is not paying for the additional invitations, then she should not be inviting more, unless someone else will be sending out less, then you could allow her to increase her list. You are the bride, it is between you and your husband to be to finalize who actually is invited not your parents or his. Since it is up to you to send out the invites, tell her to make her list and you will be deciding who will or will not be invited. Simple, this is your day not hers.

Answer 22

I think it is a bit pushy of your mil.  she has put alot of extra pressure on you on an already stressful time.  planning a wedding takes a lot of work and keeping a tight budget is important, especially considering your parents are paying.  is the reception a buffet or sit down dinner?  you might want to tell her that the caterer (or family member) has already quoted and been paid for X amount of people and that to keep things fair, she can only invited 50 or there won't be enough food.  what does your fiance think about this?  it would help if he talked to his mother and explained things, who knows, maybe she would be willing to pay.  good luck with everything.

Answer 23

6/21 is my wedding anniversary. its always the first day of summer.

Anywho, you just have to politely tell them that you have no prob with them inviting more people............if they are willing to pay for the extra guests dinner, seeing as how that is usually where the expense comes in. There has to be some limitations. Just keep in mind that this is YOUR wedding and it is supposed to be an enjoyable time for you. Planning it shouldnt make you want to kill your in laws and create problems. You are going to run into little glitches along the way, thats to be expected, but pick your battles carefully.

Answer 24

It's your wedding, and as your parents are paying for it I'd put my foot down and tell them that they need to cut it down. You have a definite number in mind, and I'd stick with it. Offer to go through their list with them and help them pare it down a bit. Now it might be a case of them having a large family. My fiance has twelve fist cousin's alone, so there was really no way to cut his list down, but more than likely your in-laws have invited, or planned to invite, everyone and their dog that they haven't seen in years.

If they object, I'd explain that they'll need to help pay for the extra room. It isn't fair for your parents to have to pick up the tab for them.