Wedding/shower gift protocol?

Question

I was invited to a friend's wedding (not a close friend, but a casual friend) next week. I'm a little behind on getting the gift since I was just a tad short on the cash.... Anyways, I was also invited to the shower and originally accepted, but at the last minute called her cuz something came up and I couldn't attend.

My question is since I didn't attend the shower, even though she was originally expecting me, am I obligated now to get her 2 gifts??? 1 for the shower, and one for the wedding??? Keep in mind she's only a casual friend of mine, we're not family or really close or anything.... And if I do get 2 gifts, should I give both at the wedding, or sent to her???

Sry, I'm only 25, and she's the first of my friends really to get married, don't have much experience in weddings. My dad thinks I owe her 2 gifts now, while I feel that since I didn't attend I'm not obligated to get her the shower gift. I don't see a reason to give 2 gifts. Again if she were family I might feel more obligated, but I don't feel she's expecting anything big from me anyway.

Please, someone tell me the right thing to do, I'm running out of time, lol...

Answer 1

You should give her two gifts.  In fact, since you say you cancelled on her "at the last minute", you should have already had a gift purchased.  

Answer 2

I think it would be a nice gesture to give a small gift for the shower.  You could make a small ticket registry item look more expensive and more well put together.  I would buy a few inexpensive kitchen tools, put them in a cute basket w/ a inexpensive apron and send her that gift.  You can spend as little as $20 on it.   But, I think it's a nice gesture and it shows you really wanted to be there, even though something came up.

So, yes.....you should get her something for the shower and something for the wedding.  But, the shower gift can be less expensive and really small.  

Answer 3

You are not obligated to give any gift, but I think a single wedding gift would be nice. If they are registered somewhere order it and have it delivered to their house, rather than bringing it to the wedding.

Answer 4

OK, I'm from the mid-west and it's traditional in our area to give a shower gift and a wedding gift.  The shower gift generally consists of kitchen items and would cost about $20.  Cook books, kitchen towels, kitchen utensils, table cloths or baking pans are all great gift ideas and in the $20 price range.

A wedding gift is generally a bit more expensive, but it doesn't need to be.  You only give what you wish and what you can afford.  I'm with your dad though, so I would give two gifts and would probably have both of them sent to her home.

Best wishes!!!!!!!!!

Edited to add:  I also agree with the others that we never "owe" anyone a gift.  We should give gifts of our own free will.  

I had a shower a couple weekends ago and I would HATE to think that anyone who attended felt that they owed me a gift.

Answer 5

No one ever owes anyone any gifts.  Ever.  Not even at weddings.  So your dad is wrong.  Get her a wedding gift that you can afford, give it with love, and that's fine.  Anyone who would punish you for giving what you can afford instead of something extravagant isn't worth knowing anyway.

Answer 6

Ok. you owe her only one gift (for the wedding) you could not attend the shower, so you do not owe a gift unless.....

You did call and cancel as soon as you realized you couldn't be at her shower right? If you left the Maid of Honor stuck, she had to pay for your meal, and that is not cool. I hope you didn't cancel because you got a better offer. Bridal Showers are a bit boring, but this is what you will be doing the next few years as your friends marry.

It is not about the gift, I think it is about respect. Cancelling at the last minute for anything less than a real emergency is why your dad thinks you owe a gift.

There are lots of nice things you can give her, but i think you only need one gift. You really should apologize for not being at her shower in the first place

Answer 7

Just get one nice gift to cover both events.

Answer 8

1 gift, but if you had wanted to send a gift at the time shower it would have been an nice (but unnecessary) touch

Answer 9

All you need to  do is purchase one gift.

Answer 10

I would think yes you should get her 2 gifts since they took the time to invite you and it was a problem with you that you could not attend .

Answer 11

The whole point of a shower is to shower with gifts, and since you werent there, you kind of missed the action. So I dont feel it is necessary to get the shower gift. Its after the fact. Although I did get some gifts from people who could not attend my shower (and they gave them to the hosts to bring to the shower), I dont think it was necessary of them to do so.

Whereas, if I missed a wedding I would still buy them a wedding gift, its never too late to congratulate on marriage.

Answer 12

you should have sent her a shower gift right after you realized you coudln't attend the shower

Answer 13

IMHO one gift will suffice.  If you had gone to the shower, I would say that you would have needed to bring a gift, but since you didn't go, you don't need to give one now.  Just a gift for the wedding will be enough.  

BTW, you can bring a card to the wedding and then order something offline from the registry and have it sent directly to the bride and groom.  It has become more common for people to not bring gifts to the wedding... it becomes a hassle to transport it back home.  

Answer 14

Technically, you're not obliged to give any gifts.

A shower is to help a couple set up their home. That's why you bring gifts to a shower.

One gift is sufficient, especially for a not-close friend.

Answer 15

No, you do not need to get two gifts. If you cannot attend the shower, you are not obligated to give a gift. You should get one gift for the wedding - you can either have it shipped to the couple (it's okay if it arrives a little after the wedding day) or bring it with you (there will be a table set up for gifts at the reception).

Answer 16

You are never "required" to give a gift: that is why it is called a "gift" and not a "fee". If you accept a wedding invitation, sending or bringing a card expressing your good wishes fulfills any obligation that good manners require, and any further gift is entirely up to you.

Probably, in fact, you shouldn't have been invited to the shower anyway. Showers are personal, intimate gatherings given for the bride by her closest friends, and the only those whom the hostess knows to be close enough to the bride that they actually WANT to "shower her with gifts", should be invited. That doesn't sound like you, does it? The reason for this rule is that no-one should ever be placed under an obligation to give a "gift".

So you are off the hook. But remember, next time, that once you do accept a social obligation you are *obliged* to carry through. The only things that should be allowed  to "come up" and prevent your attending should be along the lines of hospitalization, non-negotiable work obligations, and acts of public service that cannot be deferred.

Answer 17

You are not obligated to give her a shower gift if you didn't attend. I might suggest spending just a little extra on the wedding gift...if you want to.

Gifts are meant to be just that. You don't HAVE to give anything. You give because you want to help the couple celebrate their new life together...not because of obligation.

Hope I helped!!

Have a great weekend!

Answer 18

I'd get her one gift. You didn't attend the shower, so feel no obligation or pressure to get her a gift for the shower. If you can afford it, then do it. But if she's a real friend, she wouldn't want you to over-extend yourself. And again, it's not necessary. You're going to the wedding, get her a wedding gift.