Were 'birthmothers' Told Never to Look for their Child?

Question

I've heard this before and was wondering if mothers were routinely told to stay away, forever?

How well advertised are the existing registries? many people don't seem to even know about them

Answer 1

My first mom was told this when she went to look for me.  (We haven't talked about what she was told right after my relinquishment yet.)  When she contacted the agency that handled my adoption to start a search (which was legal in that state at that time), the social worker told her that she shouldn't.  This was during the second half of the 90s.  It seems that this message is still commonplace in some circles.

Answer 2

When my ex-husband made contact with his birth parents he asked why they had not registered or if they had done any searching. Both of his birth parents are still together after 45 years...  

He was told that all those years ago when they placed him his adoptive parents had decided Not to Ever Tell him! So they went on all of these years believing he just never knew he was adopted...

His adoptive parents never kept it from him, he doesn't recall every being "told" and claims it was just a fact of life for him.

Before the 1980's the majority of adoptions were closed the idea of openness or open adoptions wasn't very common until after the reunion shows started and it was realized how wrong it was to have such harsh and closed ideas about adoption.

I know that the registry is very well advertised in Oregon and that new adoption can't even be finalized until the adoptive and birth parents are advised of the registry and the fact that original birth certificates are available after the adopted person reaches legal age.

***added*** I think it may still be common in some types of adoptions. For example my children are siblings and their birthmother has a restraining order from contact or searching but it runs out when the child is of legal age. That is just because my children's mother was and is a risk for harming them. Hopefully, this is not common place today. I do know that the states often issue an order of protection for foster children again that runs out.

I understand that many agencies, adoption attorney's and state offices will set up methods for birth families and adopted children to leave information or Notes....

I believe (not  100% sure) that part of the Oregon Open Birth Certificates and Adoption Registry includes a specific method for both the birth family and the adopted person to leave a note saying they do or do not want contact.

Every State manages their own registries so some states work better than others. My Ex was adopted in 1962 and spent most of his adult life searching... When the Original Birth Certificates were opened in Oregon the Adoption Registry was also made better for both birth and adopted people.

Answer 3

Me too. back in the 70's  I was told to walk away and do not look even when she becomes of age. I was told that if SHE wanted to find me that was okay but for me not to look.

Answer 4

Upon reuniting with my son 22 years after his birth, I was told by my son's amom that I was told by the adoption "professional" that I could sign up with the NY state registry when my son turned 18. Unfortunately, I have no recollection of being told about the registry (which has a whopping 2-3% success rate), so it was a surprise to me when I heard her tell me this. (We had never met before, but this was what the adoption professional had told her that I was told.) Lost yet?

Speaking for myself and other mothers who lost a child to adoption under a great deal of duress, I can say that I do not remember all of the things that "I was told". It was only 3 days after I gave birth to my son that I was taken to court and signed irrevocable termination of parental rights. I can fairly say, I was not recovered physically or emotionally from having given birth to my first child when I was made to sign this agreement.

As I've said before, I've walked out of my dentist's office after minor procedures with a full list of do's an don'ts and phone numbers to call if I have any questions. I walked out of the hospital WITHOUT MY CHILD and without a single scrap of paper indicating who I might call if I had questions.

I signed TPR and left the court house without a single scrap of paper stating what my rights were - or more likely weren't.

I thought about looking for my son when he turned 18, but was told by a friend (who had no connection with adoption) that I would be disrupting his life, and I should leave it for him to find me if he was interested.

For me, the whole process of losing my son to adoption created a huge hole in my life - my self esteem was tightly tied to this event. I felt that I didn't have a right to interfere with his life - so I didn't look for him. We have now reconnected, but I still struggle with feelings of my rights in the relationship even though he is open to it.

Answer 5

Some birth mothers are highly discourage from looking for their children. Some agencies (Catholic Charities) have gone as far as to falsify information on the amended birth certificate to prevent them from ever locating them.

FOR EXAMPLE!!!   I just recently helped and adoptee find his birth mother and his birthday had been changed. His birth mother had been searching for over 10 years and they had never crossed paths because of the false information. I ran across her ad one day on a registry and checked into it. Some information matched and some didn't. They got a DNA test 6 months ago and THEY WERE A MATCH.

As far as the advertisement of the registries, i wouldn't have known about them if it wasn't for the Internet and word of mouth. So i believe that outside the Internet there is almost no advertisement for the registries.

Answer 6

Registry? Where? No, I don't know about this and don't understand. I feel stupid, maybe I should know.

Please, how do I go about this? Thank you.

Answer 7

Yes, they were told to "move on and forget" because according to the agency workers they would forget.  As I have learned from a number of women I have come to know they didn't forget.

"Licensed agencies are REQUIRED to give all clients a handout and information on the Adoption Registry in that state, outlining the procedure for any wanted future contact on her part."

nice try Joslin.  My SIL didn't get one and neither did I.  Neither did a number of women I know.

Answer 8

Unfortunately prior to the 1970's it was common practice for a child who was being placed for adoption to not be seen by the birth mother.  It was thought that if a birth mother looked at her child that would be too traumatic for her and may cause her to change her mine.  Therefore, it was also common for Birth mothers to be placed in different locations in a hospital rather than re-cooperating on the maternity ward.  Adoption practices didn't start to change until later in the 70's early 80's.

Adoption registries are fairly new for most states so the procedure maybe different.  When Illinois first opened theirs it wasn't widely recognized but now all adoption searches begin with a the person registering.  I believe they have to provide this information at the time of birth as well.

Answer 9

i would stay away, just cuz it would cause problems, and you'll become too attached, knowing that it's really yours. i would never be able to meet my own child and just leave.

Answer 10

Licensed agencies are REQUIRED to give all clients a handout and information on the Adoption Registry in that state, outlining the procedure for any wanted future contact on her part.  In addition, all ethical agencies offer open or semi open adoption, so the birthmothers can CHOOSE to stay connected to her child and the adoptive parents first hand.

Answer 11

it depends on the type of adoption. if it's open then the birth mother still has the right to see the child. generally they tell them not to look because they will become attached

Answer 12

I can only tell you from my own experience, it was 1972 (California) and yes, we were told that it would be useless to look, that we could never find her and she could never find us. Her aparents were told the same and so when we found her, they were very angry. However our daughter was shocked because she thought that we could never find her too, but she saw no reason to turn us away, once we did find her.

I found her through a search angel, it cost 40.00 and took a few weeks. My search angel no longer searches. Not sure why.

Answer 13

Yes, unfortunately they were.  They were told that they would be interfering in the child's life.  Now-a-days, we've found that "open adoption" is much healthier, for the child, the birthparents and the adoptive parents.  Still this myth persists.

I recently adopted and the birth parents wanted a closed adoption - from what I understand from the caseworker, because they did not want to interfere.  I really wish they would change their minds - I am very open to having them be a part of my child's life.

Registries don't exactly have adveritsing budgets.  Their existance is largely word of mouth, though I suspect a few minutes with Google or Yahoo would turn up plenty of registries.  Enough TV detective shows have talked about them that, I would think, most people by now are aware that they exist.  But if you think you are going to be interfering, will you avail yourself of them?  Probably not.

Answer 14

I guess they were told different things and in different countries they would say different things. I don't know for sure though.  :)

Answer 15

I know that the registries don't work.  I have heard that the reunion rate is 2% nationwide.  I have also heard that in Florida, adoptees are paying for this service and their registries are just accumulating and not being checked out or logged in.  Its like a three year waiting list.  The state is cashing the checks but doing nothing.

I know mothers were told to forget and move on.  I have heard more mothers say that they were not entitled to know anything or allowed to search.   Many are coming out though.

Answer 16

Yes- my mom is a birthmom- when she gave up her son in 1972, she walked away forever.  She looks at it more like a child that died, rather than a child that in all reality, is probably out there still today.

That made me giving up a child for adoption in 2000 extremely hard on her.  My having a previously (until recently) open adoption helped her to see that it's just a totally different situation for me than it was for her.  

I've never heard of 'the registries' anywhere but this site.  But I'm especially grateful I know about ISSR now.  ;o)

**Joslin- I'm afraid I have to call your bluff... or at least question it.  I was never told about about my agency being "REQUIRED to give me a handout and information on the Adoption Registry in that state, outlining the procedure for any wanted future contact on my part" during our adoption process in 2000.  While I was in contact with them over the phone, I never recieved any type of paperwork from them other than books and books of PAP's.  Is this a new requirement?  Do you have any reputable sources that state this?

Not to mention the second half of your answer...whether agencies encourage open adoptions or not, that can only be encouraged until the ink dries.  Aparents still have the right to un-open (close) them all on their own.  I know, because that's happened to me.  In essence, my baby's aparents are telling me to "stay away".

Answer 17

I was told not to look for my son and that once he was old enough,IF he decided he wanted to look for me,he would. I gave him up for adoption in 1980,not even sure if he was ever even told he was adopted. Can't seem to find him......

Answer 18

i dont know of anything like this. but i know it would be unhealthy for the child if they were young and found out that the woman that they called mom was not their mom

Answer 19

Yes in many cases this was the case ..and then they buried their heads in the sand and never thought they would reunite and get a rude shock when their child tracks them down !

Answer 20

kids have been swapped since Moses...

I firmly believe that in order to cause the shifts in society we see children are switched very often in the nurseries.

Answer 21

Even in an open adoption, the birth mother is encouraged to keep their distance from the adoptive family. Part of the reason is to avoid as much confusion as possible in the child's life and part of the reason is for the comfort of the adoptive parents. It can be hardenough raising someone else's child, but it is a lot harder if they are around and you are always wondering if they think you aren't doing it right.

You also have to think about the circumstances of why the child was given up. If the mother gave her child up because of financial inability to care for them and is not much better off 18 years later, she might feel ashamed if her birth child finds her and judges her according to the standards of the financially better off adoptive family.

The registries are very well advertised, and we know where to find them. Some of us are just ashamed of our lives and prefer our children to not know the reality of why they were given up and the reality of how little has improved for us. We would rather be a subject of speculation than have a relationship in which our children think the only reason we are around now is because they have the money and success we could never build for ourselves.