Were adoptees "made in the wrong tummy"?

Question

Rosie O'Donnell has been quoted saying this about one of her adopted children:

"You know, he understands that there are different types of people, that he grew up in another lady’s tummy, that God looked inside and saw there was a mix-up and that God brought him to me."

She also instructs her children to call their biological mothers "tummy lady" taking the word mother out of the entire equation.

What do you think of this?

Answer 1

Once there were two expectant mothers.

One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart

She became your Birthmother.

The other carried the hope of you within her.

She became your Mom.

As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,

Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after

your birth.

Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.

They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.

Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.

Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,

One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:

your questions answered,

your boo boos bandaged,

your heartaches soothed,

And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:

answers to your questions,

your image in the mirror,

a part of yourself,

And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families

Two different kinds of love

Both a part of you.

I guess that's her own way to explain it to her children but not a way I'd be comfortable with. I wasn't called 'tummy lady' when I was planning adoption....I was called 'birthmother'.

Answer 2

Oh that is appalling!  And then inferring that God makes mistakes?  I would assure the children that He in His infinite wisdom does not make mistakes and that their biological mother was meant to give birth and that the adoptive mother was suppose to raise them.  "Tummy Lady"?  That is just horrific.

Answer 3

I don't think she should have said made in the wrong tummy. But, that's not my call. I think that if the birth mom could have had different circumstances, Rosie wouldn't be saying any of this in the first place. Rosie's the adoptive mom- she had the means to take care of the child-simple as that.

Answer 4

I don’t agree with that at all, had I been born to my parents then I wouldn’t be mixed race and I feel that I was just meant to be mixed raced so I had to be born from my biological “parents”. Also I wouldn’t be completely who  I am if my parents had been my biological parents.

Answer 5

As an adoptive parent, I can affirm that it is really hard to find the right words to explain the whole issue of adoption to very young children.   You want them to know from the beginning that they are adopted, but when they are three and four years old, they are too little to deal with concepts like teen pregnancy and (in my kids' cases) the one-child policy in China.  

Two of my children were adopted at older ages (4 and 10, respectively) so there was no need to go into lengthy explanations with them.  They already understood the issue of adoption.  But one of my daughters was adopted as an infant.  It was obvious to others from day one that she was adopted, since she is Asian and I am Caucasian.  So I told her about her adoption even before she was old enough to understand me, just to practice being comfortable with the words.

I told her that sometimes one mommy has a baby and takes care of it and brings it up, but sometimes it takes two mommies to do this, because the first mommy isn't able to take care of the baby and bring it up.   And I added that she grew in her first mommy's tummy, but that I am her forever mommy because she needed two.

When she was little she accepted this just as it was told.  When she got older, she wanted to know WHY she needed two, and I elaborated a bit more about the situation in China.  When she was around 10, she wrote a wonderful story about her birth family, and why they weren't able to keep her, and how she was found.  

The whole story of adoption is something that unfolds in a child's mind over a period of time, and they can only understand so much of it at certain ages.  While I don't agree with Rosie in omitting their bio mothers from the equation, I do think she's just trying to explain adoption to very little children, and has to word it in a way she thinks they will understand.

Answer 6

I think that every child was made in the right tummy.  God makes that decision.  If he thinks that the child is meant to be with a certain family, but through a first mother, then that's the way it is.

Answer 7

Rosie is just strange person. I don't like the word tummy mommy, but that is just my personal opinion.

Answer 8

What I call my bio-mom can't be written here in Y!A without being reported and offensive, but consider that I have had a quite different situation than others here.

That being said, I have already told my adoptive Mom that God must have been sleeping when he placed me in my b-mom's stomach!  In a strange way, I guess it's my way of showing her how important she is in my life and how much I love her.

Answer 9

Clearly Rosie needs help.  What a horrible thing to say to your children.  I do not agree at all.

Answer 10

Rosie doesn't know the meaning of "appropriate".

Answer 11

I think that's horrible.

I'm giving my baby up because I want him to have everything and I can't do that financially right now.  He was put in tummy for a reason though.

I don't think people understand that birthmothers LOVE their babies.  That's why the majority give them up.  They want the baby to have the best life possible.

Answer 12

Well, that just gives me a VALID reason to Not like Rosie and thanks for letting me know... Never liked her and think she is everything Trump calls her and well...YUCK that is wrong to say to a child...no matter what.

I tell my children they were made in a tummy with the mother who loved them---but, that she could not take care of herself or them the way we would want children to be taken care of... I can't even imagine telling my kids that they were not made in the right tummy ICKY!

Even though my children are drug affected and brain damaged and hurt because of the circumstances of their birth--I also teach them that this is who they were meant to be...and that for some reason this is the life they were supposed to live---We never know what will become of a person because of the difficulties that person overcomes...

Rosie is disgusting...Always was and always will be and I didn't think this over her sexuality I think this becuase she is CRAZY.

Answer 13

My son was made in exactly the right tummy, MINE! He was taken by the wrong lady to feed the adoption machine she worked for.

Answer 14

that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. or one of them.

i wish i would call my mother tummy lady. such stupid people in the world.

Answer 15

That is how she decided to talk about it with children that were too young to understand all the reasons behind adoption. While maybe not the best way to explain it, she prevented the child from feeling their real mom hated them!!

Answer 16

mmmmmmm........I think the word mother shouldnt be really taken out of the equation, but I can sort of see the humour to this too.

I guess its up to the adoptive parents to explain things in a way, their children understand, but I dont think this is the right way! Its kind of wierd if you ask me.

'tummy lady'? lol, oh my god. What on earth lol. I am definatly going to have to tell my bio mum that one!! Infact, i am going to txt her right this minute.

Those poor kids will never trully understand will they?

Answer 17

"Made in the wrong tummy" is horrible! It is so bad I can barely begin to explain for how many reasons, but I'll try (never stopped me from going on about something before, right?). The main reason I think it is awful is that it is confusing and damaging to the child. They WERE conceived and carried and birthed by this woman, their mother. They carry her genetic material and the father's. They have core-deep ties to her. If that was a "mistake" then doesn't that say that the child was a mistake? Won't the child get that message? What an awful, shaming thing to say to a child!

"Tummy lady" is awful also -- to me it is MUCH worse than "Tummy Mommy," because it negates the mother role altogether. It is right up there with NCFA's "Biological Stranger." How defensive can you possibly get! As adoptive parents we have to realize and come to terms with the fact that we are not our children's only parents. If we cannot do that, we should not adopt.

Answer 18

That's pretty bad.

With all of the debates on this forum over proper terminology to describe the biological parent, one thing has been consistent in the discussion: that being the word "Mother".

Whether it's birthmother, biological mother, first mother, natural mother or even "tummy" mother, I don't think there's any of PAPs or APs that have suggested or implied that the "mother" part should be removed.

ETA: I agree with the first poster.  I almost never agree with Rosie on anything either.

Answer 19

Well, I'm glad my daughter was made in exactly the "tummy" she was made in because it has made her who she is and I love her completely!

Answer 20

Oh that would tick me off so much...tummy lady?! That is so degrading and so horribly politically correct. Some people take political correctness to the wrong level. That's so...utterly disgusting.

Answer 21

uh duh. besides if it is still a baby ,dont breast feed it but if  you do, dont tell that you are her foster mom.

Answer 22

I'm so glad my adoptive mother never used a line like that on me.

I think it would have terrified me and made me think I did something wrong to  get in there in the first place. Also I was very religious as a small child, or as much as a small child can be.... anyway hearing that God made a mistake would have confused me a lot.

Also I think Rosie is whacked.

Answer 23

i believe this term was already debated in the last 24 hours.

i also think that a parent has the right to use whatever terms they deem age appropriate for their children.  Who are we to constantly judge every thing that is said and done by adoptive parents?  Not one parent out there is perfect and makes the right decision 100% of the time.

I'm tired of everyone thinking we need to clean the soles of bmom's feet with our tongues.  I'm thoroughly disgusted by another question here so i'm feeling a bit snarky about it right now.  

I do think rosie is a loud mouth though.

Answer 24

God doesn't make mistakes... its that easy.

I am glad that the original mother chose to give the baby up for adoption if she couldn't take care of the child... but that doesn't mean she isn't the mother.

It seems that Rosie gives her children a very safe and wonderful place to live and I applaud her for helping a child without a good mother, but I almost never agree with anything she says or does.

Answer 25

Well dear Isabel, I think its delusional and misleading. I also think it will create conflict later down the road between the mothers and child.

Answer 26

I do not believe that Adoptees were made in the wrong tummy (contrary to what everyone thinks I believe after my last fiasco of a question).  

What I do believe however is that not all people who give birth can necessarily parent a child - for whatever reason - be it personal choice, medical reasons, etc.  I also do not believe that people who are infertile were meant to live life childless.  

I hesitate to discuss my religious beliefs again here because I'm not sure that they pertain directly to the question asked, but in general, I do not believe God makes mistakes.  People do.  God shows us how to overcome those mistakes - whether we choose to watch what He is showing us is another story.  

As for the term "tummy lady" or "tummy mommy".  I personally do not like it.  But if for some reason my son's birth mother wanted to be called that, I would respect her wishes regardless of how I felt about the sound of it.