Were you adopted at birth? if so what would you want to know about your birthmother?

Question

when i was 16 i got pregnant and placed my baby for adoption through an agency and now have no contact with my child. who is now 12 yrs old. i am able to send letters through the agency. i have never written her a letter because i was afraid of writing something stupid, it is really hard to explain why i chose adoption to her. I want to send pictures of my family and a letter to my daughter. I've written the parents but not her. i wanted to hear suggestions, like what to write. I think about her all the time and have a hole in my heart that longs to be with my baby, although I have two other girls, i cannot leave my first child in the past. her parents wont send me any pics or letters, im so concerned and i cannot legally contact her plus i dont know where she is. as an adopted child what do you think of your birthmother? are you angry with her? i need to know!

Answer 1

Tell her the things that other kids take for granted that they know.  Sometimes the little things are the most important things.

Tell her about the day she was born, what the weather was like, where you were when the labor pains started, if you held her, tell her how it felt and how she looked.  Tell her about every moment that you spent together.

Tell her about yourself.  What you look like, what your hobbies and talents are.  Tell her your favorite book, color, meal, song, band, writer. sport etc.  Do you play the guitar, love foreign films, read only non-fiction? Tell her things that you have in common with your parents.  It would also be great if you could tell her the same things about her father.  Tell her about any allergies or health problems that you or members of your family have.

Tell her why you had to give her up. Be as honest as you possibly can.  The "she loved you so much,she had to give you up to give you a better life story" doesn't make me feel better.  Tell her that someday, if she wants to, you would love to meet her.

I also agree with the person who said make two copies, send one to the parents and one to the adoption agency to put in her file.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

I was adopted at birth and I have no desire to search for or meet my birthmother.  I'm happy with my life and don't feel any need to reopen a closed chapter in my life.  I was never angry.

However, I have a cousin who is also adopted and she really felt a strong desire to reconnect with her birthmother.  She really felt abandoned and thrown away by her birthmom.  Everyone has different feelings on this.

Why do you say you cannot legally contact her?  Unless there is a restraining order, you are allowed to contact anyone you want.  I would try to go through the parents first since they are the ones who can officially close off contact until she is 18.

The early teen years are difficult ones for any girl, particularly an adopted one.  This is when she is finding her identity.  She may want to meet you more than ever right now.

As far as what to put in the letter, just tell her how you feel.  Don't worry about being cheesy.  Sit down with a notebook and write down everything you would tell her if she was sitting right in front of you.  Or get a tape recorder and just talk like you were talking to her.  Then you can write down the highlights from your tape.

Answer 3

First, you need to realize that this letter will CERTAINLY be read by her parents before she sees it, and that she may not see it until she is an adult, if ever.

When I was that age, my big question was why, followed by what she looked like, who my dad was, did I have any brothers and sisters, did she want to meet me.... all of those things.

If I were you, I would make TWO copies of that letter, one to be passed on to the family, and one to remain in her file at the agency, to be passed on if she ever contacts them for information.

good luck.

Answer 4

I was adopted at age 2.  Six years ago, at age 37, I reunited with my natural family.  It's been a terrific reunion and I'm very happy with it.  But, I would have loved to know more at an earlier age.  A letter would have been great.  

The phrase you use, "a hole in my heart," is exactly what my natural dad said he experience for the 35 years we were apart.  He had searched for me as well.  Many parents who relinquished their children feel this.  



My natural mom passed away 7 months before I located her, so I never got to see her again.  But, no, I am not angry toward my first parents.  I am happy to have the relationship with my first family that I have today.

Answer 5

I wondered about her.  A lot.  I had a few scraps of information on a sheet of paper about her that I hung on to dearly.  That information made me feel connected to her, and it suggested that I had gotten some traits from her.  It's all I had for decades, and I treasured it.  It was the most valuable piece of paper I ever owned.  

I was never angry with her.  I wanted to know more about her, but I never felt anger towards her.  

We reunited just last year.  Her biggest fear seemed to be that I was angry with her (you are not alone!).  I reassured her that I wasn't.  I have since found out we are more alike than I could have guessed.  We are very similar.  (I cannot do that justice without a lengthy explanation, so I'll leave it at that.)

When I was twelve, I would have been ecstatic to have pictures, stories, anything.  If her adoptive parents aren't sending you pictures and the like, they may not want to give her what you send them.  But I would try.  If they share anything with her, that might be the greatest gift she gets.  (Keep it light.  If it's too emotional, it might scare the parents or her.  Just give her some information and/or stories.  Send pictures.  Tell her about yourself.)

I love my first mom.  I'm glad I found her.  And I wished I hadn't taken so long to do it.  But I'm glad she's back in my life.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I was adopted at birth and have met  my birth Mother. The one thing I wanted was to say thank you to her for going through with the pregnancy and giving me life. I was lucky in that my adoptive parents were always open about my adoption and were understanding of my curiosity about my birth family. I found there were traits and characteristics about me that weren't from environment so when i met her  I found that finding these things ran in her family gave me a sense of wholeness. I am so grateful that she made the tough decision to put me up for adoption even though she left herself with the same type of agony that you are going through

Answer 7

Being adopted, I think I might find it difficult to deal with my biological mom reaching out to me at 12, but you have to do what you feel is right. My parents told me when I was very young (I was adopted at birth) that if I ever wanted to know anything ab my bio. parents to always ask them and they would never hold anything back, and they didn't. I'm far from angry. I feel extremely blessed. My parents are my best friends and I have never once felt "adopted." I do think about my bio. mom often, but it's normal. I think of who I might look like, why do I like and dislike certain things, who do I take after. Just everyday things that being adopted I might not have an answer to. If it's any consolation to you...I think my biological mom was an extremely brave and loving woman. She did what is probably the hardest thing a mother could do to better her daughter. There are a lot of easier roads out there for some people, but she took the hard one. I'll always be grateful to her. =) Good Luck

Answer 8

i think my birthmother is wonderful. i adore her. and i had those feelings before i met her. i always knew there was a sound reason she gave me up. i never harbored any anger toward her. well...when i was 13 or 14, i had some problems. but a lot of that was puberty and just the whole word "adoption" sinking in. i got over it and moved on.

i have always felt a connection. i cant explain it. i knew she was there and loved me. i dont remember ever feeling like i was unwanted. just unable to be cared for.

to tell you the truth, even after i met her i never asked the ever looming "why?" i didnt need that. she told me because she wanted me to know, but that was her choice. i was content to just find her.

no one here can give you a guarantee on how your daughter will feel. she may be angry and have strong emotions. she may be like me, understanding and content. neither is wrong, just different life experiences. many have met numerous blocks in their lives, due to lack of knowledge from their past. i was lucky, i didnt need that info until i was older. by then i had access to her and later my bfather.

personally, and this only me, i would have liked to know more personal things about her. what her strong points were, interests, hobbies. things like that. it would have been easier on me. i was raised in a wonderful family, but they never really "got" me. i was a mystery to them. that puts a lot of pressure on a kid, when your interests are a drastic contrast to your family. i tried to like the things they did, and it always ended in disaster. the things i found interest in they thought were off the wall. so i was a little embarassed to try the things i wanted. i didnt want to enforce the 'oddball' idea any more.

now i revel in being the oddball. i wear that title with honor and pride. they never know what i will do or say next.

guess where that came from? yep, my bmother. we share a brain. we dont even have to finish sentences, the other is already nodding in understanding. with her i have found complete acceptance. i can be angry at the world, call her, unload my frustrations and she understands. and she doesnt think im a nut for the way i feel.

i hope that one day you will find what i have. i hope she is able to see your intentions. until that day, make an effort to give yourself some peace. if you did the best you could, then try to remind yourself of that once in a while.

Answer 9

i was adopted at four days old.i always knew i would love my real mother.i actually hated my adopted mother most of my life.i loved my adopted dad.i hate adoption,and think just have an abortion,but many people don,t agree with this.i,m sure you would be loved by your daughter.God Bless you for doing what you felt best at that time.

Answer 10

My birth mother had me when she was 14 years old.  I was adopted at birth and don't know anything about my birth parents.  I am 15 years old and have never had any sort of contact with my birth parents.  I love my adoptive parents very much and am very happy that I was adopted, but still, I feel like I am half of a whole person.  I don't know my ethnicity, my parents names, or even where they are from.  I want to know if I have any brothers and sisters and it would be great if I could meet them too.  I can legally get this information I believe, when I'm 18.  I have never been angry at my birthmother.  I am grateful that she thought of what would be best for me.

Answer 11

My answer is against the norm here.  When I was your daughter's age I had a lot of anger & aggression issues towards my biomom.  It was because of what I didn't know.  At the time if she had tried to contact me I would have probably dismissed her because in my mind I felt that she had abandoned me & it would have to have been my idea if I was going to have any contact with her.  I had terrible thoughts against her.  

It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that I actually read my adoption papers & realized that I couldn't blame my biomom or the entire country for something that I felt she had to do either in the best interest of me or because of social stigmas that made her feel that she had to...or at least I hope it's not for other reasons that I grew up thinking they were.  No, I am not angry now but if you want to write to her through the agency don't stop & write!  There is no guarantee though that the agency will follow through & foward those letters.  If they do foward them just realize she may not be ready to hear from you or if she is there may be positive feedback that is if her aparents have even given her the letters.

I would just want to know 'why', what the cause was for having to give me up.  I would want to see a picture, know if I had any other siblings...the simple things that you may first ask somebody when you get to know them.  Eventually, the health issues that run in the family since I always end up giving doctors a blank stare when they ask me my family's medical history.

Answer 12

I have never been angry with my birthmother. I have wondered about her and felt a connection even though I have never met her.  Many adoptees have a desire to contact their birth mothers but fear being rejected.  Most, I think, would be very open to hearing from their birth parents some would actually be elated.  If you are as honest in a letter to her as you are in this post I think you will do just fine.  Good luck.

Answer 13

I was adopted when i was 11 months old - and i have never been interested in knowing my birth mother. To me, that person is just someone who gave birth to me - the person who 'mothered' me was my adoptive mother who a beautiful, wonderful, and obviously unselfish woman. I feel when you have wonderful adoptive parents you must be loyal to them - they are the people who were there for you not you biological parents. And that says ALOT. I never want to know my birth mother and i don't believe she is deserving of knowing me. Abandoning children is a gutless act, not an 'unselfish' one.

Answer 14

I wanted to know EVERYTHING about my first mother.

From the hardest questions - to the easiest ones.

Why did you give me up?

Who is my father?

Do I have siblings?

Who do I look like?

Where were you and other family members born?

What are your favourite foods?

What were your favourite subjects at school?

What do you like?

When did you start menstruating? (yep - weird - but so important - as often cycles start at a similar time to our mothers)

What are your favourite hobbies?

Do you play an instrument?

Do you like art?

Do you like sport?

What are your favourite movies?

What are your favourite books?

Where have you traveled to / where have you lived?

What are your favourite cities?

Do you think of me often?

Do you sometimes regret giving me away?

Do you miss me?

Do you want to know me?

Start writing - and hopefully the adoption agency & adoptive parents will pass them on.

If you start off with just surface stuff - then perhaps she'll one day feel more comfortable in asking the deeper stuff.

And no - I'm not angry. There were times in my teens that I was - when I was going through changes - and just wanted to know stuff. But I was angry with the world as a whole too. I was angry mostly because my adoptive mother wouldn't allow me to talk about my adoption - as it upset her!!

I wish you all the very best - and hope that one day you'll both be reunited.

Answer 15

I have no contact with my birth mother, as she lives, as far as i know, still in Russia. I know my mother was 18 when she had me and kept me for 2 months. The reaosn for her giving me up was bc she was a single unemployed mother and Russia at that time was going thorugh major turmoil. As i hear from my "adoptive" parents, from what they heard from the nurses. My mother really cared for me and would of kept me if she had the choice but she didnt.

The funny thing i am curious to meet her but i guess im really wanting to see the physical similarites i have to her as my adoptive parents obviously couldnt of had me. Blonde and blue eyed, red and green eyed, im brown and brown.

So no i am not angry with her becuas eit was a logical reason that she gave me up, she didnt give me up bc she didnt care for me at all, she gave me up because of other things.