Were you proud of being adopted or ashamed?

Question

As a kid.

That question about being called names really got me thinking about how adoptees have such vastly different experiences growing up.

I was always very proud and told I was "special." I actually bragged about it to my friends...a couple of them even wished they could be adopted too.

Answer 1

You know this is interesting.  As an adoptive parent, I've always been taught that to tell my child she was "special" or "chosen" will make her feel like she has to live up to preconceived expectations and that she will feel like who she is isn't good enough.  But you are not the first person I've heard say that being told you were "special" has added to a sense of self esteem.  I guess you can say special in a sense that all babies are special and all stories of joining families are special.  I hope to convey that to my daughter without the "you are chosen, so you better live up to all I expect of you" message.

Answer 2

My husbands couzin is adopted. My husbands Aunt and uncle tryed for kids for soooo long she lost about 5 babies and they gave up so they decided to abopt. She knows and she loves them soooo much they spoiled her rotten also she is  in her 30's and never wanted to find her birth mom and dad she says there is no point when i has 2 vry loving and caring parnets already. She is there world and they are hers.

Answer 3

Deeply ashamed.

I never fell for the 'special' and 'chosen' stuff.

I always had the ability of rational thinking.  There is nothing good about being adopted.

Your parents wanted their own child, you want your real mother--what's to be HAPPY about.

It's something that I KNOW no one would REALLY want.  When dopes used to say, "I wish I was adopted".  I knew it was bull.  They might wish it in the moment, but when push came to shove, they would never want to be adopted.

Answer 4

I wasn't ashamed but I didn't broadcast it.  I still don't.  Most people don't even know I'm in reunion with my first mom.  It's very personal and not something I broadcast.

I never wanted adoption to define me as a person.

Answer 5

I don't think it has anything to do with shame or pride.  It just frustrating being adopted.  I am not ashamed of it nor am I proud of it.  I didn't get to make a choice in the situation.  My choice is still being taken from me.  It does not put me on a "level playing field" as Adam Pertman in recent testimony in front of New Jersey legislative committee.

Sometimes I do feel that the industry and members of society want me to feel shame for wanting something that is mine.  It is to shut me up.  I can't even say that I am proud that I am adopted.  That is like saying that I am proud to have been cast aside or relinquished.  

Frustration is the best word for it.  I feel that way because no one really wants to hear my/our voices.  We are the products of adoption.  Our voices weren't important when we were born.  I will make sure that they count now.

Answer 6

I was always told the 'special & chosen' stories - but I knew that it didn't sit right with me - from an early age - as if I was so special - why did my bio mother give me away??

(child's thoughts = there must have been something wrong with me)

Also - kids can be brutally honest - and I was often asked when growing up - 'why did your mother give you away?'.

Then - there was secrecy and shame attached - as I wasn't allowed to talk about my bio mother and family.

I was also told that I should never search - as it would 'hurt' my adoptive mother. (and I was a small child when those words were first said - apparently her feelings were more important than mine - the child!!)

I had a couple of extended family members who treated me 'not as blood' - I even had a cousin (older than I) that would introduce me as 'the adopted one'.

I looked different from my adoptive family.

I didn't get to grow up with my bio sibs - that look and act like me. (I've found them in the last 2 years - and we are very very alike)

I often just felt out of place - where as my friends all looked and acted very much like there bio sibs & family - and fitted well.

Now - I've found my bio fam - and my first mother is not coping well - as she was told to go home and never grieve or talk about me.

She barely told any family about me.

So - go figure - she's perpetuating the lies and secrets - which lead to more feelings of shame.

If adoption were really so wonderful - everyone would be swapping children - or just giving their children away.

Adoptive parents can help an adoptees sense of self - by validating the child's loss & allowing them to know (in person preferably - if possible) their bio family well & know their truth.

For adoptees to find out one day that they were given away because their mother didn't want to fight to keep them - or because 'college was more important' - or because people/family laid on too much pressure - or because they were 'born at the wrong time' - adoption can be a whole heap of head mess for the adoptee.

Sure - some adoptees don't give a toss (lucky for them) - but I personally know well over 100 - and many more new ones reach out to me on a weekly basis - that struggle with many of these adoptee issues.

Answer 7

Ahhh..always count on Sunny...who is never sunny at all for a wonderful negative comment!  lol

I never really thought about it as a kid.  I was told when I was 5.  I think most of my friends knew...as they do now but it never was a big deal and all my friends thought it was very 'cool'.  I don't remember being proud or ashamed or anything...it was just who I was.

Answer 8

i wasnt either. it wasnt my choice to be adopted, it was just how it was. i never felt ashamed, i didnt do anything, not my fault. i wasnt proud, because again, i didnt do anything.

i have always thought of it as just a part of me. i had a bad year or two around 13/14, but come on, who doesnt at that time? you question everything about life and where you fit in. i got over it. but even then, i was indifferent.

i have brown eyes, dark hair, pudgy thighs, small teeth and im adopted. just a part of the whole.

my parents never really pushed the 'special' thing too much. they just said i was different, and they werent lying. i have always been an oddball. no serious emphasis was put on it, it was just who i was.

the names hurt, but only because i was a kid and didnt understand what the big deal was.

Answer 9

Wow.  I was surprised by the question and found it very interesting.  Although, by now nothing on this site should surprise me.  Everyone on here has such unique stories and ideas.  But after reading the answers I was stunned.  That some of you had to grow up feeling shame or began to feel shame after you were grown is heartbreaking to me.  Shame is for the people that did something wrong.  The adoptees are always the innocent party in this arena.  You should never feel shame.

And Schnurrrb (sp sorry), what a horrifying story.  Are you sure your adoptive parents feel that way?  Have you ever spoken to them about it?  How could anyone raise a child to adulthood and not love them?  I know it happens, but it is so difficult for me to understand.

I just spoke with my adopted daughter this morning and she is very excited about a big change coming up in her life and in order for her to pull it off she needs to come live with her Dad and I for a year while her hubby goes overseas.  I've already started baby proofing my house for her 8 mth old and pulling strings to get her four year old into the best Kindergarten class in town, etc.  I don't think it ever crossed her mind to stop and think, "Oh, I'm adopted.  Now that I'm grown maybe my parents don't love me anymore or maybe they never loved me at all.  So I shouldn't expect them to let me come home."  And I know it never crossed our mind to tell her, "Oh, sorry.  You are one of the adopted kids so we don't want you in our life anymore.  See ya!"

I guess it just makes me truly ill to know that there are people in this world that can't find the capacity to love a child, when there are so many of us that have more than enough to share.  For the first time since visiting this site, I actually think I understand how horrible is must be to think your parents bio or adoptive don't love you.  I'm so sorry for any of you that have those thoughts and feelings.  I hope you can or have come to terms with the fact that being yourself and loving yourself is enough.  Make your way through this world and do your best to open your heart to love as many people as you can.  Your life will be so much better for it, whether they love you back or not.  They are the ones losing out.

I made it perfectly clear to my adopted children that love was never the problem with their bio parents.  They loved them and fought not to give them up in their own dysfunctional way.  But that they had ruined their lives with drugs long before their children were taken away from them.  So think what they wanted about their bio parents, but never think they didn't love them.  And they never questioned the fact that we loved them.  We tell them and show them that everyday and will till the day we die.

Good luck to all of you.  Place the shame where it belongs on the bio parents, the adoptive parents, or the system that put you in the position you found yourself in.  They are the ones that failed you.

Answer 10

Adopted kids usually are adopted into rich families, so I guess they enjoy it. But if they aren't so rich they usually keep it a secret. Soorry I'm not adopted and I'm loving it,

Answer 11

Ashamed.  The way I felt was that I was given away by my first parents like a second-hand sweater.  I just saw myself as second-best and unwanted, and that made me feel broken, damaged and ashamed.

I still feel like I'm not as good as my aparents bio kids, in fact I feel this even more so now than when I was growing up.  My aparents have made it very clear where their loyalties lie by their actions and their comments.  They will defend all their bio kids flaws, but never stick up for me for anything.  

I've never bragged about being adopted, and I rarely tell anyone that I am adopted.  It's kind of a conversation killer.  I don't think people will think less of me, but I kind of feel less than other people myself, after all, their parents kept them, but I was thrown away like trash.

Answer 12

I don't remember caring when I was a kid, I certainly didn't fall for that "special " c**p, although it wasn't forced on me either, I am so special, my mom ditched me hurrah!

I wonder if they tell that to dogs they are about to put down at the pound too?  This is your special day?

Besides all the retarded kids at school were also "special"

When I was an adult and could really understand what it meant, then I became deeply ashamed and still am.

I don't talk about it in real life so I hear asides from others about people who do talk about it.  Not good.

Answer 13

dont ever let people get to you. people dont know ****, okay? i was adopted and my birth mother and sister live in san diego california, nd i live in boston mass... talk about seperation. cant get much farther than that! haha my sister was born first, when my mom had no money, no job, still in high school, no home, parents, or support, and an a*****e boyfriend. cuz then when my sister was 2 years old i was born nd my dad, like most guys in the world, packed up nd pussed out. hes dead to me. hes an a*****e and no loving caring person would do that to ANYBODY. so my mother made the hardest decision anyone can make. nd i admire her for it everyday.. i could never sacrifice like that. ever. shes my hero. nobody knows pain until you have to hand your child to somebody else, and convince yourself that its "for the better". ill never know what it was like from her perspective. anyways, she gave me up and im more proud of my story and where i came from than anything else. im a firefighter and i save lives, and even that doesnt bring me more pride than my family. i searched for my sister for 6 years and found her on myspace. i met my mom a few years ago too nd i talk to them daily. my family im in now sucks, ive dealt with abuse, physically nd mentally, no food, no money, torture and fighting, you name it. i hold no grudges. i love my mother (birth mother.. other mom can f*** herself for all i care..) i love her to death. shes my reason for walking the earth.. as bad as my days may be, im alive. thats all that matters. she gave me the greatest gift of all.. LIFE. my mom is my hero nd will be til the day i die. dont ever be ashamed of yourself or where you come from. its what makes you, YOU. the one and only, never been another, never gonna BE another.. indespensible, irreplacable, unique, special.. you. =]

Answer 14

When I adopted my oldest daughter, my wife and I constantly used the word adopted around her until she figured out what it meant.  Then someone asked her if she was going to search for her biological parents.  She answered, "They had their chance.  Besides, my parents chose me."

The other adopted daughter took her lead from her older sister.

Answer 15

My bestfriends where adopted and they love their dad, but are very sad that her mom left them. and is very sensitive talking about her mom

Answer 16

Although I have known since I was very young that I was adopted, I don't feel that it really has a bearing on my day to day life. This is the only life I know; those who have only lived with their biological parents will only know that life. I feel that we end up where we are meant to (easy for me to say, as I had a great childhood, and I understand that too many people were not so fortunate). My mother never let me think that my birth mother did not want me or that I was a "mistake"; on the contrary, she believes that my birth mother did love me and care enough to place me in a home where I would have two parents who loved me.

To me, my "real" parents are the people who raised me. This has never been a source of shame for me. I know that my parents had to go through a lot of work to adopt me, as I believe that my birth mother had to make a very difficult decision. As a woman in her late twenties, I can say that I am glad she made the decision to put me up for adoption; I cannot imagine have any other parents.

It seems as though the stigma of adoption has faded significantly. Thank goodness. No one should be ashamed of being adopted.

Answer 17

When I was told I was shocked especially when my mum said that it was my dad that wanted me and not her. It shed a light on how I was treated as a child. I was not ashamed but felt lost and still do to this day. But I was also not proud as I was never given any kind words to go on or ever feel like I was special let alone wanted. I am glad for you and your situation. Have a lovely day.  :)

Answer 18

I never felt special nor was made to feel that way. My adoptive parents got pregnant for the first time only a few months after they got me, but growing up I never felt any less special than her. It was only as I got older that I realized I didn't belong with those people, and only as an adult that I realized they didn't care about me any more, because I wasn't really blood, and looking back I feel sad that I spent so much time with them, thinking I belonged when I should've just kept to myself more. Taking them and their opinions of me seriously has greatly affected my life in the negative.

Answer 19

Ashamed, but I hid it by acting proud. I would counter the name calling with phrases like "My parents got to pick me, yours got stuck with you!'. I made up wild stories about my real family, making them exactly what I thought I wanted them to be. I even had half of my grade 5 class believing that Madonna was my mom... same mole above my lip.

I was ashamed, I felt like it made me less of a person so I had to lie about who I was. If all people saw was the real me they would see how inadequate I really was.

Answer 20

I have a friend that was adopted, I'm the only one she's ever told. She loves her parents, they spoil her.

But when she told me, she seemed kind of upset, like she wish her parents never gave her up.

Answer 21

As a child I was very proud of it.  Never felt like it was anything to be ashamed of.  Some tried to tease me and say how my b-parents never wanted me and such but it never once phased me.  I am still proud of being adopted til this day.  I have always been comfortable with it.

Answer 22

It depends I guess. If both of your natural parents put you up for adoption then I guess you shouldn't be ashamed. But if your natural mother hid the fact she was pregnant from the father and put the child up and the adopted couple knew YEA I would be ashamed to be in their family. Look people this just didn't happen in today's world I know adoptee's that their fathers didn't even know where his child went and would have loved to be a parent to the child these type of children are ashamed.

Answer 23

I am not ashamed that I was adopted.  That said I don’t think I’d say I was proud to be adopted. It’s not like I meet someone and that’s the first thing I say “By the way I’m adopted isn’t that cool?” When it does eventually come up I don’t make  a big deal out it nor so far has anyone I’ve told.  

If anything I’m just thankfully that I got placed with a much better family then the one I was unfortunate to be born into.  There are some people  that would love to be adopted - children in the FCS/orphanages or Children who are abused by  their parents etc.  

As a kid I  rarely even thought about being adopted, i knew i was and it was just a part of me but not a big deal (still isn't)  or anything. I didn't make up fantasy's of my birthfamily , make up high tales about them etc.

Answer 24

I wanted to be special and wanted by my real parents.  I always knew, even as young as 6 years old (when I was told) that to be 'chosen' I first had to be 'unchosen' by my favorite person in the world.

As a kid I learned fast that if you said you were adopted it meant you were unwanted and unloved.  So I made up a story about how my real parents had died.  It felt that way to me, it was like they had died, I'd lost them along with all my extended family but was not allowed to grieve that loss.

No, it wasn't something I bragged about at all.

Answer 25

I was proud at certain times.  I was made fun of a lot for being adopted when I was younger.  People still today say that I'm not loved as much because I'm adopted, but in a way, you could say I'm more loved.  I've come to realize this now.  My birth mom loved me so much she wanted me to have a great life and knew she could not give me that, so she gave me to a family who could give me the life she believes i deserve.  Today, I have a great life and I know how loved I am.  I am proud, but to be completely honest, I don't really acknowledge that I was adopted anymore.  It's nothing new to me.

Answer 26

Good for you, because I lived my entire childhood and was never told until my mother developed cancer.  As an adult I finally found my birth family, but I wish my other parents had been more forthcoming with me, because I guessed it anyway

long before it was disclosed,so I actually felt sort of weird about the whole thing!

Answer 27

When I was a little girl and realized how dysfunctional my

birth family was, I believed that I had been adopted by them

and my real parents would come and rescue me.

Of course, in my mind, my "real" parents were rich and very nice and they would love me.

I was not even adopted and I was ashamed of my family. So it all depends on our experiences, I guess.

My heart goes out to those of you who never felt good about being adopted. So many things affect us when we are very young.

Answer 28

I was told i was not adopted even though i didn't look like any of them. Then they to me. I was called alien but in the end i am proud.

Answer 29

the thing that annoys me the most is that stupid people in my high school jokingly say that someone is not loved cuz they are adopted. the truth is that adopted kids are loved most of all. the whole thing was planned out. it was not an accident at all. there is nothing to be ashamed of at all.

Answer 30

I have a cousin who was adopted and he is proud of it, because all the familys in the world would never compare to the love he feels from ours,

Answer 31

Oh, I love this question.  Adoptees are told to be proud because we were "selected, not expected."  Uurp!  I was never, ever ashamed of being adopted.  I have always been willing to talk about it when-ever, where-ever it comes up.  Although I don't broadcast it.  I do like to speak frankly, respectfully about it because it is such a personal issue.

I can't say that I enjoyed doing a genetic chart of my family in 7th grade science and then having it posted on a bulletin board for public scrutiny.  That discussion was not on my terms, and that is why it bothered me.  Actually my mom would have been horrified to learn that everyone in my 7th grade science class just assumed that she had, y'know, slept around since I was obviously a pool of recessive genes that did not fit the parental genetic mold.  LOL!