Wha can I do about my defiant daughter?

Question

I have a 13-year-old daughter who has a boyfriend. I told her she couldn't start dating until she entered high school and my husband and I both carefully explained our reasons, but she secretly started dating a boy in 7th grade she had met at school and now they're boyfriend and girlfriend. They've been dating since June. I don't how my daughter managed to hide this from me. I'm angry with her for defying me, but I don't want to ruin her relationship. I met the boy three days ago and he is very kind and does care for my daughter. The two have fallen in love with each other and I don't want to break their hearts by making my daughter end the relationship. My husband is just as confused about what to do as I am. Should we just stay out of it even though our daughter did defy us and start dating behind our back or should we do something about this?

Answer 1

While it's nice and wonderful about your daughter finding a nice boy, the way she went about it was wrong.  Your daughter will continue to defy you if you don't stand strong.  So now you have to consider what punishment is appropriate. I would say that she's not allowed to have any dates with this boy for a month.  They can talk on the phone and he can visit, but the weekends are off limits.

Answer 2

make a relationship with rules. i was dating then. im sure you would rather know about it and have rules on it then her sneaking behind your back. just be open with her and tell he to be open with you. just give her a little of boundaries like a curfew and no shut doors if they are together in a bedroom and i mean dont make up crazy rules just some easier ones unless she breaks them then you get more tough. goodluck

Answer 3

I highly doubt that she has 'fallen in love' when she is 13 years old.  She's barely a teenager and probably going to 'fall in love' several times before she realizes that love is not something that happens so easily.

Because she has openly defied you I think a sort of punishment is in order.  But I wouldn't worry too much about the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing in junior high.  They come and go very easily.

Tell your daughter that it is okay for them to be boyfriend/girlfriend so long as it's not a sexual relationship.  You would be surprised how many young teens are having s*x now.  

If it were me, I would be on the safe side and get her on birth control.  Even though she is still pretty young, it's never to early to start talking about prevention because who are we kidding here, kids are having s*x a lot younger than we were.

But if you do this you will have to explain that even if she is protected that doesn't make it okay for her to go ahead and participate.  Explain the dynamics of a mature relationship and that you don't want her to participate because she isn't emotionally ready to handle it.  And because she is still a child and doesn't need to skip out on being one just because of an interest in the opposite s*x.

Answer 4

Punish her for lying to you, not for the dating, then have a conversation about how you can see that you were wrong about the dating, and that the boy is nice, and that she can keep seeing him, but the parents must be involved, and you have to meet his parents, and stuff.

Answer 5

Ask yourself if you would be confused about what to do if you met the boyfriend and he was horrible.  She is NOT in love (she is 13 for goodness sake) and she did defy you....focus on that and not how nice this boy is.  You have gone from forbidding her to date until she is 16 to not wanting to ruin her relationship and break her heart.  You have to make up your mind about what you are going to allow her to do.  What happens if at 14 she gets a new boyfriend who you can't stand....you can't suddenly say again she has to be 16 to date since you have already allowed it.

Answer 6

13 is a hard age to be and a hard age to parent.   First of all your daughter lied.   There is definintely a consequence for that.   Next, you have a rule that she can not date until she is in high school.  You need to define dating with your daughter.   Is dating a movie, a dance or anything when they are alone or is dating  out with a group of friends.   So first you need to have a definition.  My kids could not go out on a date/date until  they were in high school.   Prior to that is was groups of friends or group dating if you will.  Whatever you decide be sure to have it clear with definite boundaries.   I have raised 2 daughters and a son - our rules were something like

son - no girls in bedroom

daughters - no boys in bedroom

Sofa in basement with tv - each person had to have one foot on the floor at all times.   Sounds dumb but it was a great rule.

No one at another persons house unless a parent was home and supervising.   So your daughter could not have "him" over unless one of you will be home.   There is no such thing as parents not allowed. Kids need to know that you will check on them at any time or not at all.  It is your choice.  

  My girls did tell me they hated me on a few occasions, but they got over it and now thank me.   Keep that in mind.  Love them enough to let them hate you once in a while.

Please be a parent and not a friend.   Stick with your rules and your consequences for breaking them.  Your daughter will thank you someday.  She is NOT in love.  She thinks she is, but she is not.

Answer 7

Wow, tough one.

I'd say that it probably wouldn't be wise to try and break them up at this point.  If you do that, she's only going to sneak around behind your back more to be with him.  

Now's the time to continue the s*x conversation (that one you've been having with her for awhile, hopefully!) and let her know that 13 is too young to have s*x.  Tell her that if she ever does think she's ready to have s*x, to come to you.

At that age, I would not allow them to have actual "dates" unsupervised.  Tell her she can invite him over to watch a movie, etc., in a public room while chaperoned.  

Your daughter should be punished in some way.  Tell her that you understand the draws of a relationship, but that she disrespected you as a parent.   Then punish her in accordance with how you and your husband have chosen to parent.