What 'role' should he be in my son's life?

Question

I've got a 2 yr old, I am no longer with the father. There is a new guy now and recently we've had a talk about my son.

I am not looking for a 'father-figure' for my son. My current boyfriend knows this and he also says that he doesnt want to take on that role. That is fine with me.

The 'issue' is that we talk about being together for a long time, talking marriage and all. If that does happen, and even now at the early stages of our relationship, he would need to build a good relationship with my son. He has not met my son yet. We are both not sure what that 'role' may be. I dont want my boyfriend to just be some 'random guy' to my son, if we are going to get more serious later on. But I dont want my son knowing him as a 'father' either because he is not his dad & he agrees with me. My son's father is very involved in our son's life so I am not trying to replace him.

I am not sure what sort of 'role' my current boyfriend should play in my son's life. We were discussing this last night, and since they havent met yet I told him we should wait & see what happens when they meet and all. He also says that because he wants to be with me, he will accept whatever I have, and that means he accepts my son, and that he will be here for me, which he says also means he will be there for my son if I need him to be.

Anyone with experience or just advice/suggestions are welcome to reply.

Thank you.

Answer 1

Why are you talking marriage with a guy who hasn't even met your son yet? I understand why you hesitate to introduce your son to every guy. Good job mom! But shouldn't you be cautious with your life as well as your son's. Any spouse will have a say/influence on how your child is raised. Bringing a man in to live with your child takes a huge amount of trust. How do you know you can trust him to be with your child when you aren't there if you haven't seen them interact yet? Slow down. Enjoy falling in love, but take a good long time before you make permanent choices that can change who your son is.  

Answer 2

My guess is that he wont play any role. He will move on. Not many guys have what it takes to raise / put up with some other guy's kid.

Answer 3

Disregard the idiot who thinks that men can have a harem but women can only have one romantic interest in their entire life.

I think what you've decided, to wait and see what happens with your son, is the best you can do. If you and your boyfriend become serious, that role may change to a more father-like figure even if your son's father is still active in his life.  

Answer 4

I think you should take it one day at a time . If you do happened to get married and your two year old calls your husband daddy what are you going to do spank the kid or let nature take its course . Stop picking on the kid and let him make his own choice as time goes on .

Answer 5

I'd introduce the child to the boyfriend by his first name.  

When i was getting remarried, my son was three years old.  He called my husband by his first name, still does 16 years later... interestingly, he was a better father figure to the child than his own was.

for quite a long time, my husband and i had a rule that the biological parent would take care of issues with the child... it's better for the parent to deal with the child, than the parent and some strange guy.... and even if you get remarried, this will be "some strange guy" to your child for a while.  

i'm sure that, given time, they will come to care for and respect each other.  just take it a day at the time.

Answer 6

Let the time tell you what you should do. You don't need to have specific rules about your boyfriend and your son, let them meet each other, and observe your bf actions to your son, then you'll be able to determine if he is going to be a good mate for you, and part of your family. At the end who knows, maybe your son can have no a father but two.  

Answer 7

This is really difficult since little boys are programmed to latch on to any man who comes into their life.  And they get really angry (at mom) when the men depart.  If the man is insincere, cold, or manipulative, the child compensates by becoming sociopathic.  I've been divorced twice and helped my sons through this really troubling scenario.   They'd secretly phone me at 3:00am, crying about what's going on and won't I please come home.  

It's a mess.  It'll take every bit of smarts that you have to guide your son through this.  The men you bring into your son's life will have a dramatic effect.  A good man will have a good result, but the reverse holds true, too. You'll be stunned by what happens.

There's no doubt it's a much better result if your son's dad stays in his life.  If there's any chance of putting your family back together, it's worth the effort.