What's It Like to be an Adoptee (is that the right word)?

Question

what's it like to grow up in a family that adopted you at birth?

let me explain the situation: my big cousin, who's 16, recently had her baby girl. she had an adoption all planned out, with legal papers written and the adoptive parents ready. the contract is that she'll stay in contact with the adoptive family of her daughter. they will send her pictures and letters about the baby, and she'll visit her daughter every so often, like once a year. they've already emailed a bunch of pictures of the baby, who's only like two weeks old, to her. my cousin's daughter will grow up being able to ask her birth mother any questions she wants about the adoption, and knowing who her birth mom and birth family are. i'll probably be able to visit the baby at one point or another too, since i'm family and me and my cousin have become like best friends during her pregnancy.

so how will this affect the baby and her relationships with her adoptive parents? adoptees, feel free to share your stories.

Answer 1

I am an adult adoptee,  as I was born in 1968 of course it was a closed adoption, it was all the law allowed for at the time.  As a 40 year old I am totally cool with the fact that im adopted.  I have no problems whatsoever regarding this, I have met my biological family, I am VERY glad that I was given up.  In no way would I prefer to have been raised within my bio family.  Having said that, as a teenager I went through a lot of angst regarding my adoption, like most adoptees I felt the lack of knowing where I came from, where I fit in.

Answer 2

I was born in 1958 and was adopted , and I have 2 adopted children-   I have never had any problems with adoption- I have always felt that I was chosen-  about the way your cousin is handling the contact with the adoptive family is ok- if she wants to see her child every year, and the adoptive parents feel comfortable with that , it is wonderful, and because they feel comfortable the child will think it just apart of her life-  however with my hubby and I we choose to just send pics etc for the first 18 years- and then if our children decided to search for them fine - our 19 year old just met his birth family last year.   I have never met my birth mom however I respect her and love her- my daughter is 16 and has shown no interest yet to search her birth family out.  I know that some adoptees can be very torn- however with my experience I am very thankful I was raised with the family I was.

Answer 3

little background on me. adopted as newborn in the 70s. raised with the real life ward and june cleaver. very happy with my adoption, MY life was better for it. met my bios, both, and absolutely adore them.

now, first of all, i hope your cousin does get to stay in contact with the baby, but look back at some of the resolved questions, it doesnt always happen like that. many are promised contact and then later denied, with no legal recourse to back them. they relinquished, done and over.

i truly do hope she doesnt become another mother that will be offered false promises and hopes only to have them tossed aside later on.

as for being adopted, well, it is different for each of us. FOR ME, as this is all i can honestly vouch for, it was a blessing. i wont go into any gory details, but my bioparents were in a very bad place in their lives when i was born. none of us would have benefitted from keeping me with them.

as great as my adoptive family was, i have always been the outsider. i dont fit in. i am the complete polar opposite of them. they raised me thinking i was rather nuts, but it was just because they honestly didnt understand my personality. no ones fault, they tried.

i can say how your cousins baby will be affected by this. some are angry, some are hurt, some are content. its a toss up. but ALMOST all of us feel we are the outsider. many develop attachment issues. where we struggle with relationships as adults. some have much more sever issues. feeling like you are the square peg in the round hole all your life leaves its marks.

if you want a broad range of what can happen read some of the resolved posts here. go into peoples profiles and read their answers, but be open minded, the reasons they feel the way they do are justified. dont condem them after reading just a few. you will learn alot, i promise. i know i have.

good luck to your family, i wish you many years of blissful happiness. with little or no heartache.

Answer 4

It may affect her, she may grow up mad. She may want nothing to do with your family. It seems like the birth mother and family care about this child. Why was she adopted then? If i could talk to the lady that gave me birth, I would ask her why she gave me up. I grew up with no blood family NONE! I wanted to feel the way normal people do....I was very angry and couldn't understand why she couldn't just try to raise me...try! I would never speak to that lady ever..... .she is not a mother...mothers try..and love...they don't just give up.....

Answer 5

Asking me to imagine what it would have been like to grow up knowing my mother is to ask me what it must be like to grow up on Mars.  It's that foreign to me.

But this 'open' adoption will probably not last long anyway.  They cannot be enforced.  I hope your cousin's open adoption works the way it's supposed to...

Answer 6

it's very different for each adoptee. i'm 18 years old and my adoptive mother has read book to me based on adoption since i was very little, so i have always known, i finally began to understand when i was about 6 years old though.

for someone who has to give their child up, i can't say how that feels. my whole life i have always had anger towards my birthmother for giving me up, and towards other people that have done the same thing... but as of now i am four months pregnant with my first child and i have had so many struggles financially, and emotionally, that adoption seemed like the best option at one point, so as a mom, i have grown and started to understand that it is a very hard decision, but it's only for the best.