What's a married woman to do?

Question

I have been married for 9 1/2 years now. This is my 1st marriage and my husband's 2nd. His ex wife has from time to time has in his terms "pestered" him to help out more with his kids. She has her points. Over the years all he could do is carve her up and drag me through an emotional roller coaster dealing with his stresses of his ex. On average I hear the dreaded speech of his ex every 3 days since I've been married. It becomes old but I deal with it. Aside from that he's pushed countless responsibilities onto me financially using his child support as an excuse to not have to share the bills evenly. He makes so much more than I do and he still has money left over to take over at least one more bill. I can count on 1 hand how many times he's taken me away for the weekend in the 9 years of marriage. I told him our marriage need help so I suggested marriage counseling. He declined from this. The only option I had left to make him snap to it was to threaten with divorce if he couldn't work on these problems with our marriage. He just can't help himself. Our house is falling apart because he wont fix anything. He wont hire anyone to fix anything and just last October had me pay for a new bathtub liner ($3100). Well guess what. We finally planned our first weekend trip alone last week. Booked a flight (which was stand by since he works for the airlines), booked a room and rather than taking me on this trip that we were long over due with he decided no trip but divorce instead. This was crushing. Last night I pleaded. I told how sorry I was for threatening him all these years with divorce but also explained that I didn't know how to reach him. His only response was I'm not sticking around to be threatened any more and because you aren't happy I'm going to let you go so you can be. So I've offered marriage counseling, I've threatened with divorce and now I'm paying the price of divorce because he's choosing not to work on the marriage. I really don't want to leave him but what's a woman to do when her husband says he wants out?

Answer 1

Give me a break lady, you write a letter saying your man has put your though h*** for the last 9 years, and now that he wants a divorce your all broken up about it.  You need the counseling.

Answer 2

tats nothing much u can do now but to leave. He's a very cunning and calculative man. he pushed u around the corner and made u say things which u didn't mean to and are now using that against you. it's much better that u leave him now. he's not worth it. any man who doesn't support his wife financially and on top of that "depends" on her, is useless. he only "works" in the bed. outside that, he's worthless. u're such a strong willed women, to take his and his ex wife's **** for 9 1/2 yrs. isn't it enough. let him go back to his ex. or any other women. cos it's bound to be a failure. sooner or later, he'll be running away from his ex again for the same reasons that he left her in the first place and shud he be involved with another women, i'm sure she'll ditch him too after getting to know him cos of the extra baggage that he still carries (his ex). so pls get hold of urself. leave him with ur head held high and start anew. u deserve much more then a jerk like this. have some pride and dignity of urself. show him that u can live and function without him cos i'm sure he wudn't be able to do tat without u or any women by his side.

Answer 3

well, u used the "do it my way or get a divorce" technique and it blew up in your face. i'm sorry it happened this way for you, but i think u'll be happier in the long run. u won't have to worry about him not paying the bills, his nagging ex, or him not taking u out.  

Answer 4

fine a rich boy friend

Answer 5

You can do so much better than to be with a man that:

- cannot stop talking about the ex

- has you pay bills

- has you "understand" his situation with his childsupport

- does not want to work on the marriage

- is completely insensitive to your commitment to the marriage

- never takes you anywhere

Sweetheart you got a dead beat partner. Think of your sanity. You could do sooooooo much better with another man that will really love you and respect you.

Great Luck!

Answer 6

Let him go! Sounds harsh I know but honestly he does not sound like the man for you! He sounds like a selfish, self centered jerk! Regardless of his ex you should be his number 1! You could go on another 9 1/2 years going on the same! Thats not living, that exisiting! Best of luck, I feel so bad for you! It sounds like you have no self-confidence.

Answer 7

your marriage doesnt sound like a partnership at all..are you sure you dont want to rethink the whole "I dont want to leave" thing? I mean, with everything you have said, he sounds like a tight *** thats never considered your feelings. Hasnt shown hes cared. Let you partially support him. Does he expect you to cook his meals and clean up after him to? I just bet he does...

Show some spine woman! Show him the door! Beg him to stay and he will treat you like a second class citizen for the rest of your married life, because you let him win yet again. Get rid of him, Many women have done it..and as I was once told, what doesnt kill you, can only make you stronger. Youll be better off on your own. Good luck :)

Answer 8

snap out of it you need this more than he does he obviously loves himself more than anyone else.  You yourself have worth without him.  You have given him enough of your life and as you have said it hasnt been getting any better.  He seems to have an incredible hold over you, which shows me that over the years you have allowed him to take what self esteem you had and turned it into a game of tug of war with your heart and emotions.  Get out now start over and by all means feel good about yourself you have it in you.  He wants a divorce give him one and move foward the one that is meant for you is still searching for you. Dont ever give up on yourself you,  your are important

Answer 9

First:  Don't ever make a threat that you can't go through with or live with the consequences of.

Second:  Nine years is a long time to be dealing with the ex.  I applaud you for being able to do it for that long.  Especially if she is an unpleasant or demanding woman.  If it does work out, insist that he take on the dealing with her.

And lastly, think long and hard about how happy or unhappy you really are in your marriage.  Would you be better off emotionally without him?

Answer 10

.. well here's two options you can choose from:

1) convince him that your marriage will still work.  Tell him that 91/2 years of marriage is already an emotional investment, promise him that you will not be too demanding anymore especially, when it comes to bills and errands in your house.. Tell him that you will do everything to make this marriage work.

And then, regret everything later when you are much older, when he finally decided to leave, which he will in the end, believe me he will.

or

2) sometimes we have to let-go of something we dear most.  That's the fact of life...

But at least, you can start over as early as now!

Answer 11

I'm with "e" above.  You really don't want to be with him, and now you have your wish.  Use it wisely.

Answer 12

what is with you?  you want to be with someone who treats you like trash?  

get though and move on, you can do better.....

get a grip.

Answer 13

Fairly clear that he doesn't love you anymore.  He's not taking your marriage seriously at all.....which is very evident because he's giving up on it that easily.  I would wonder if he has another woman somewhere else........????

Answer 14

LEAVE HIM.

IT WILL BE HEART BREAKING.

BUT YOU SEEM LIKE A CONFIDENT WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS AND HAS HER EYES SET ON HER GOALS, (in a good way)

DONT LET THIS MARRIAGE GRAVITATE ALL OF YOUR QUALITIES DOWN.

YOURE WORTH IT AND DESERVE MUCH BETTER.

Answer 15

Oh honey.. I have so been there. It's really hard when it seems so simple for us and they just don't "get" it. For one, I'm completely shocked that since he works for an airline, you haven't been away more together. I was in a very similar situation and I learned this, there is nothing you can say or do to get him to realize what he's throwing away if that's what he wants to do. Marriage counseling will only make it worse.. it did for us. But, maybe, just maybe he will realize that having anything good is worth some effort. But if he doesn't well you will someday be with a person who values you and your marriage, and you will have learned a valuable lesson as well. I do wish you the best of luck.  

Answer 16

I think you just gave him what he really wanted. The man isnt even over his first wife so how could he ever be with you. Move on and consider yourself lucky!

Answer 17

Honey, he was looking for an excuse to get out.  He was probably cheating, and the only reason he stayed was because he felt obligated to you.  If he would not even fix the house up or put enough money into it to make you comfortable, he was a selfish person anyway.  Contact an attorney, and find out how badly you can make him pay.  Tell the attorney that you are suspicious of him cheating, but can't prove it.  Make him pay for the divorce also.

You are well rid of him.  he does not deserve you.  next time don't ever let a man make you pay more than a share of the expenses based on how much you make compared to how much he makes.  Also, keep a separate savings account on the side, and don't tolerate disrespect.  There are some great men out there that would love to have a loving wife like you.  Just be careful because there are a bunch more jerks like your hubby and worse out there too.  Be choosy and take you time before committing to anyone.  

Answer 18

sorry to say, but it sounds like it's for the best m'dear, find someone more stable and more emotionally available. what he was putting you through was way unhealthy. I'm sure you felt for him, but you're going to have to try to put it aside the best you can and move on.

maybe hit me up for a bit ;-), help ya forget

Answer 19

Why do you want to stay in a marriage that over those 9 years has put you through h**l. Girl if you are in a relationship with a man who does not want to work out problems and wont listen to what you say then its time to move on. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't value you as a person. I know its easy for us to say and its hard on you but don't just think of all the happy things in the marriage ,think of all the bad..all you have gone through and he yet does not appreciate all you put into your marriage, so in my opinion i would walk and say hey you want out so did i...don't show him that you are in pain and you had no reason to apologize to him..when had he apologized to you for any of the things he did? Girl you can find you a man who will appreciate you as a great woman you are! Good luck.

Answer 20

why do you want to be with someone who treats you poorly and says he doesnt want to be with you?  You deserve more.  Don't wait, divorce him!  Don't take him back when he see's you've grown some balls and wants you back!

Answer 21

Well, you may not have acted very well during your nine years of marriage but, then, neither has he. He initiated a divorce you just threatened. You initiated counselling sessions and he declined.

What do you think will happen if you stay together?  Either way you will both need marriage counselling. Will he attend?

I can't tell you what to do but I will suggest that you make some time for yourself to book in with a therapist and go through the cons and pros of your marriage as it is currently. Find out why you've accepted poor treatment over the years and why you dealt with it by threatening your husband.

I wish you all the very best, and I strongly suggest you alone at least go see someone for therapy sessions, you still need to emotionally heal.

- Pepper.