What's a mother to do?

Question

My 24 year old keeps making the same mistakes over and over, when I try to give her advice she does not respect it and disregards what I say. she recently moved in with a guy after only knowing him 2 months. I told her that she shouldn't. She started making payments on one of his cars and was using it, I told her if something happened she would be with no security ...no place to live and no car. I just found out from one of her friends that I know from my karate school that she has no place to go and no car. I know if I call her she will not want to tell me. I will not say "I told you so " but I will not offer much sympathy either. She has a aiplane ticket to visit her drinking friends and I'm thinking she is going to mooch off them and not come back like she did a year or 2 ago. She knows that we will not take her in and she would not ever even ask. What are my responsibilities to her at this piont in her life she takes no advice.

Answer 1

You seem to have all the answers

Answer 2

At 24 there isn't too much you can do. She's either going to straighten up one day or she'll continue going downhill. Hopefully she doesn't have any serious drug or alcohol problems because that will only blind her further and make the problems last longer. You definitely shouldn't feed into it by giving her money or a place to stay. Just let her know you love her and when she's ready to behave like an adult you'll be there to love and support her (not financially). Good luck.

Answer 3

You have no responsibilities for her at this point in her life.  She is an adult free to make adult decisions and unfortunately she is choosing the wrong ones.  

Sadly, the more you harp on her, lecture her, call her (even to say hi), or even love her, she will do more and more drastic things to prove to you that she is independant.  You tell her not to move in with a guy, well, she'll move in with 2!  You tell her to stop drinking, well, she'll go on a week-long binge!  You tell her to get a job, well, she'll stay unemployed for another year!

See the pattern?  She is being just as bull-headed in being bad as you are in being her mom.  You care for her and love her but all she sees is someone who wants to 'change' her.  

The best advice I can give to you would be to wash your hands of her, no matter how painful and hard that will be.  Call her once a week to say hello and make sure she's still breathing, but don't give her money, don't fight with her and don't offer her anything but help.  If she says 'I'm really broke, can you loan me some cash?' then you answer with, 'Of course I will.  I'll pay your bills and give you some cash the moment you admit yourself into rehab.'  She'll get mad, she'll hang up, she'll cuss you out.  But you are telling her that the moment she gains some responsibility is the moment you will be there to help her.

Again, this will hurt.  This will be the hardest thing you can do.  But in the end it is all you can do to save your sanity and hopefully force her to save her life.  Don't lecture, don't yell, don't cry, don't beg.  Be cordial, loving and nice and yet short and sweet.  Be firm.  Do the crying, begging, lecturing and yelling on your own time, perhaps with a therapist who can help you get through it.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

Answer 4

No one means no one take mother place in whole world.you can see two way.by her age and behaviour you done with her.but MOTHER side no matter what child is always child to mother no matter what age.kids make mistake over and over,but still mother never love and care less.give her chance to get better person.if mother don't understand child needs who does in this nasty world.Maalru3 answer is very good too.that's why some culture  called heaven is in mother's feets.don't give advise ask her what i do for you so you don't have trouble or hardship in your life.i just want you to be happy with respect.Don't give any advise.she feel you don't be live in her or you treat her like dummy.[she is but let her learn her own]

Answer 5

Your responsibilities are to let her know that you love her unconditionally and that she is always welcome in your home, under certain conditions, ie. job, in school full time, getting her life together. If not then she needs to stay away, it's called tough love. You need her to know that she does have a choice if she wants it,but not to just come a flop and mooch. She would need to contribute and go to school or job training or something with a plan for the future. She is 24, she is making mistakes. We live and we learn, even when we are told not to make this or that mistake. She is learning the hard way but eventually she will learn and you don't want to have made her feel like a huge disappointment. Your Love needs to be unconditional. YOu will loose her and she will never talk to you, if she can't come to you. Like I said, use tough love but not to just shed responsibility. She is your daughter, responsibility never goes away no matter what age. It is your responsibility to love her and continue to be there for her even if you have to say no to her sometimes, you can still be there for her.