What's cliche about this?

Question

People have said this poem sucks because it's cliche. Could you tell me what's bad about it and how to fix it? Thanks.

You form the phrases of love.

Your words surge

With the undulating tides of your lips

And float to my ears

Where they rest for a fleeting moment

On the last breath of a dying day.

Your words are mine alone,

Transcending time

Until they filter down into my soul,

Making me whole again.

They fill me up,

Quelling the void

Created by the distance

Between two hearts

And rise to claim their home

Amid the celestial perfection

Orbiting around us,

Emblazoning their grace

Upon heaven's gentle skyscape

To remind us of these moments

For all our lives.

They confess their hope

To remain bound to us forever

As their smoldering embers

Bond us together,

Two star-crossed lovers desperately trying

To untangle the web of constellations

That imprisons our emotions.

We'll escape

And search east of the sun

For the glimmer of hope

That arrives with each new day.

Answer 1

"star crossed lovers, entangled web, heaven's, celestial perfection, fleeting moment, between two hearts, orbiting, bound forever,  untangle the web of constellations, glimmer of hope..".

Those are words to avoid using in mass quantities,

   what is "undulating tides of my lips?" Are you trying to drown me?

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OK that was the bad part... I think you have the vocabulary and desire to write... try to make it less quantity and more quality with your words (8 lines would be great) and pleasantly surprise the reader,

If you focus too much on the celestial (moon, stars, sun) that is definitely a cliche. You need your own style. Try making comparisons to other things like

"your love is like a deep well and I find comfort in your wall's; your water is my sweetest drink and your light above is the only light I'll ever know.."

I wrote it off  the top of my head... you can too.

It still shows undying love but you use ever day objects that are attainable. Nobody's giving anyone a star from the sky.

If you've never seen it written before there is a good chance it's not a cliche. Read some Keats and try not to write like him and stay away from the stars if you can.

Hope this helps. I was being honest, and I know everyone won't agree., but it's what I think.

Answer 2

I actually think you've done a remarkable job keeping these lyrics (lyrics? or is it just a poem? I'm going to pretend these are lyrics, for sake of ease, I think I have music on the brain because I was just practing bass) original. None of your phrases are particularly cliche, and I think I'm a pretty good judge, I'm minoring (possibly majoring) in English. I get really mad at stupid, cliche things (read the Island by Aldous Huxley, the characters are SOOO cliche it makes me want to die). But I actually think your phrases are quite original. The over all theme/subject is kind of cliche, but I think that can be said for almost every song and poem known to man, honestly.

In response to below post, I don' think the exact phrase "star-crossed lovers" is used enough in common conversation to be a cliche really, I mean unless you're thinking because it's a famous Shakseperean quote.

Here, I'll pick out things I think are particularly original since I don't think any of this is cliche, (even though that is like the opposite of what you're asking).

undulating tides of your lips

On the last breath of a dying day.

Your words are mine alone,

Transcending time

Until they filter down into my soul,

Making me whole again.

Orbiting around us,

Emblazoning their grace

Upon heaven's gentle skyscape

To remind us of these moments

For all our lives.

Quelling the void

Created by the distance

Between two hearts

Honestly, I give up, whoever told you this was cliche doesn't know what they're talking about. I seriously think this is remarkably original, given the overall theme has been done so many times before. Oh, and so I was wrong, it's is poetry, clearly since you've filed this question in "Poetry," not a song, although I think it would make quite a lovely song lyrics.  Good job!

Answer 3

I don't think it's cliche at all. Only one phrase,"star-crossed lovers" might be construed as cliche.