What's going to happen next?

Question

I've been friends with a girl for 7-8 years. She moved about a year into our friendship, and we became real close friends, yet still long distance (1.5hours away).

We decided to "secretly" date this past summer, slept together ect... We didn't tell our families about it, or friends.

The long distance sucked, and we only ever fought when we were apart. Time together was perfect. Anyway, I got dumped at the end of summer, because she graduated from boarding school and was going to start college. She wanted to not worry about things there or be in a relationship, which I can understand.

Anyway, I said some mean things, and lost her trust as a friend, because I was really heart broken over the break up.

I know there are so many girls in the world, and it’s not really the relationship that bothers me the most. I care about our friendship. I try to talk to her just as friends, but when I try friends she still tells me to leave her alone, or gives 1 word answers/cold shoulder. So she’s definitely bitter about sometime still. So I'm giving it a few months to let things cool down.

So my questions:

Is it possible to save our friendship?

How should I go about it?

What advice should you give me?

Should I ever mention this past summer or the relationship?

I feel like we should be able to talk about it if we want to be friends.

I want to ask her a question that lingers in the back of my mind but I don’t know how, when or if I should ask it.

Do you think we would still be together, if it was at a different time in our life and wasn’t long distant?

Please help

-Joe

Answer 1

it would help if you could talk to her in person. you need to let her know that you a re sorry for the things you said and explain to her why you said them. Tell her that you love having her in your life, and you miss having her as a friend.

Answer 2

Hi Joe,

1) Long distance relationships are a pain.

2) You love her and she loved you.

3)Both of you are hurt.

4) Friendships with histories are hard to regain.

Your former girlfriend wants to get away from the constant pain of not being with the person she loves.  You didn't make the separation easy.  You were hurt, when she wanted to end what you had.  You lashed out verbally and that broke the trust she had with you.

It takes two people for the relationship at any level to work.  You are interested, but she is in pain and feels betrayed and thus not communicating.

To get through this and get resolution, you need to go "Old School" and hand write a letter.  No card, email or text will do the job.  You have to take the time and craft a letter that conveys your love for her and remorse over your reaction.  You need to acknowledge her pain over your behavior and the issues of the physical separation and its toll on the relationship you had.  Write about how much the time together meant to you.  Write about what happened this summer and thank her for it.  You need to be clear that you want her to be a part of your life, but you would respect her choices.  

Would you be able to relocate to where she will be going to school?  Would she appreciate that attempt to end the physical separation?  

Write the letter, send it to her and wait for no more than two weeks.  If she hasn't called you, call her and ask for her response.

Not to be cynical, but she may have friends that know about the two of you.  They may be trying to pull her away.  It is a pack thing that men and women both do.  My wife of 13 years has had to deal with coworkers that tried to undermine our marriage, by putting doubt in her mind.  Many were divorced.

So you don't feel that I have no clue, Prior to my wife, I was in two long term, long distance relationships that were ended by the woman.  They couldn't deal with it.  The first one was really bad because she ended it, just after I relocated to be with her.

We cannot change the past nor pretend things would have been better, if something had been ideal.  We only get the here and now and live with the consequences.

I wish good luck to you and hope things work out for you and your friend.

Answer 3

if you've been friends with her for that long, i'd say whatever you want to ask, ask it. she probably knows you very well and would listen.  

Answer 4

Just leave her alone and find somebody better!

Answer 5

If you want to save the friendship you are basically going to have to put everything behind you and start anew. That means holding in your feelings for her if you still have them. It's going to be tough at first, I won't even lie. I had a similair situation to this happen to me but we are still friends today because we were both mature about it and just put the past behind us and moved on.

She might need a little bit more time, but just let her know that you are sorry for anything hurtful you said to her after the two of you broke up and just let her know that you want her in your life as a friend rather than not at all and you are willing to show her that she can still trust you as a good friend. I would not bring up anything about the past all that soon because it is probably difficult for her to talk about as well.

Make the first step and then let her respond. If you put your best foot forward and she still blows you off or won't talk to you, then you will at least know she isn't mature enough to put things behind her and continue the friendship.

Answer 6

Joe...

Some people can be friends after a relationship-other's can not.

I wanted to be friends with my ex but he said it hurts him too much to talk to me or see me.

It is her choice.

Hard call that one...

Take care

Answer 7

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