What's something little you do to help your adopted child(ren) bond with you?

Question

What's something little you do to help your adopted child(ren) bond with you?

Answer 1

Hi Lindsey,

Contact.  With my 2 1/2 yr old we are always touching.  We hold hands, i carry her, she sits on my lap, and i rock her to sleep.  I love her like i would love a baby.  She is very independent and tells me "no" or "ay" when she wants to do something on her own.

My 10 yr old still loves to cuddle.  We have date night, where she gets to pick where we go and what we do.  I do make extra special time with her, and i ask if there is something she wants to talk about or if she has any questions for me.  

I'm a post-it Queen!  In lunch boxes, coat pockets, and backpacks, you might find an "I love you" or special code from Mom.  My kids all have codes.  My oldest is "Sunshine".  So i may leave a note, "I love the Sun", "Thank goodness for Sunshine", or at times i just draw the sun.  The kids eat it up and they aren't embarrassed at lunch cause the other kids have no clue what i'm talking about.

I found a little stone angel that says "I will never leave you---".  Excluding the 2 little girls, we place it under someones pillow at night.  Each night someone else gets it and the following night it is your turn to place it under someone elses pillow.  I thought it would be a sweet little reminder when someone is having a bad day that we still love each other.  Oddly enough, even mom and dad smile and get warm fuzzies when it is found under one of our pillows:)

Cheezy ideas i know but hey i'm from Wisconsin, what do you expect?  LOL.

Answer 2

Things we did in the beginning...

-put make up on each other

-make a secret handshake

-have cuddle time

-play touch games like This little piggy went to the market

-practise looking in the mirror at each other and talking about what we saw

-eating strange things together so we could remember back to when we ate that ie. Sushi

-Spent mommy and me days shopping

-put on family clothes, or stickers...everyone wheres red socks like a family, everyone has a sticker on their hand together as a family, etc

-singing together songs we made up ( strangely they all had to do with p**p)

-baking together

-telling each other secrets in each others ears

I did anything I could to help them feel unity and to bring touch into the bonding. The best one that worked for us was the make-up. They need to touch your face and make eye contact. They also feel a sense of ownership over what they have made on your face, and in turn, of your face. We would do clown make-up mostly. Then you do it to them. It is amazing how much eye contact takes place.  

Answer 3

I did the exact same things with my adopted infant that I later did with my two biological infants - hold them, talk to them, make eye contact, keep them feeling safe and treasured and loved; make them laugh.

When my son was old enough to ask where babies came from I told him that "another lady" had him, but other than that I didn't focus on the fact that he was adopted at all.  (He was five when I had his little brother and eight when his sister was born.)

It wasn't until he got past ten or eleven that he even asked some things about his beginnings.  I answered him (without elaborating) and tried to make him feel that the fact that he was adopted was between him and me - and although not a "big secret", not something to make a big deal over outside either.  (Outsiders don't always respond in a way that supports the "normal-ness" of adoption.)

The point is I didn't focus on his being adopted (get him special adoption books and talk about it all the time), so he had a good fourteen or fifteen years of bonding before the more difficult matters of his beginnings had to be addressed.

My son was every bit as much the snuggler who "molded" when I held him as his siblings.  He had the benefit of having all my attention to himself for five years.  When he got older (21) and received a letter from an agency, requesting that he see the biological mother he had no interest but eventually agreed to go.  He did have some issues once he got a load of her and her whole family; so it isn't as if his being adopted didn't bring him any issues at all.  If there's one thing that is without question, though, that is that there has never, ever, been any difference in his bonding with me.

Answer 4

It depends on what age they are. If they are young, touch is very important.

If they are a bit older, do something THEY enjoy with them on a consistant basis for awhile. If they enjoy doing it and you can get them laughing, that will help create a deeper connection. (and of course, choose something you think you can have fun at too, because children are incredibly good at sensing any falseness)

Find something you can do together, for example, if they are at least 6 years old, taking a Tae Kwon Do class together is a great bonding experience, cause you can practice together and help each other out.

Answer 5

My son came to us when he was 5 years old and had many trust issues. I would make sure that we had one on one time together each week. Whether it was to play a game, take a walk or even just to go for a car ride to the beach. It was time for just the two of us without the rest of the family. During this time, my husband would take my older two boys (his step children) and do something with them so they had a chance to bond and get to know each other.

Now that the kids are older, our rituals have evolved and my husband and I have one day a week that we do something with the two youngest boys one on one (my oldest is in college). I will take one and maybe go out to dinner and he will take one and go see a movie or something. The following week we switch kids. I think it helps keep our family strong. We were a blended family so to speak before the adoption because my husband was my children's step dad so when our youngest joined the family we had to find a way to bond with each other.  

Answer 6

Eye contact, touch, listening and acknowledgment.

Answer 7

We only 'bond' with our own mothers.  That bond was broken and adoptees need help with healing that painful reality.

Understanding this is the best way to help an adopted child attach.

It has nothing to do with age.