What's the best way to 'play it' in this situation? As, in how should I handle it?

Question

I've recently (about 2 weeks ago) come out of what could arguably be termed an 'Emotionally Abusive' relationship (see previous questions for more info). Despite everyone patting me on the back for leaving the relationship and also telling me to sever all contact, I'm sorry to say I phoned my ex last weekend. When I left the relationship it ended very, very acrimoniously but I was having difficulty in making the transition from partners to strangers and I felt I needed closure and didn't want the last time I ever spoke to him to have been a shouting match between us. Plus, I still felt I had to 'atone' for this shouting as I'd spent 12 months in a relationship where I was blamed for everything that ever went wrong until I was bore down to feeling worthless and guilty - I suppose I'm still in that mindset and I definitely was when I phoned.

Before splitting up we'd made plans to go and see a film together upon it's release. When we spoke at weekend we got around to discussing this again. The upshot of it is, we now have plans to do this on Sunday - meeting at the cinema and going for a drink prior to watching the film. I can't even begin to describe my feelings about this - I feel a mixture of anxious anticipation, nervous excitement and worry. He believes this will provide both of us with 'closure' but all week I've been terrified he'll cancel (therefore hurting me all over again - I'm afraid I'm still in love with him). I certainly don't expect to get back together with him, I just hope to regain some dignity.

What's the best way to approach the whole situation? (Assuming this meeting does still go ahead)... I can't even tell anyone we're meeting as I know all my friends and family would think this is insane.

Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

hi, am new on here so i dont really know your previous trouble but i would like to offer some advice on the basis of what you have said. I have been in a scarily similar situation and like you ended up making plans to see the guy after.....i dont think your insane but i do think it would be the totally wrong thing to do. You seem to have a good grasp and perspective on the condition of the relationship, you know that its not been your fault and lots of the blame has been shouldered on yourself. For that reason only i think that you dont need closure you just need time to heal away from the source thats caused this. At the risk of sounding corny i really dont think a good film and a bucket of popcorn is going to take back all the hurt you are feeling or make you feel better about the breakup. I would imagine if you had a nice time that it would just turn into another date and before long you would be back in the same situation that you were in. My ex was very controlling and i made the mistake fo going back out with him....on the occasion i did i ended up being pampered by him and he bought me loads of stuff we got on really well and it was fun.....afterwards it just messed with my head....i realised by talking to my friends that its all too easy to be nice once but people that are controlling really dont change. in the end i was put into the predicament of having to tell him again that i didnt wanna go back out with him which was awful.

You also have to think if you do go out with him its going no where......so its a waste of time. You already have your dignity by walking away from a difficult relationship...your closure will come in time. As for calling him try not to, its something twisted about human nature but even though you know he treated you bad you will prob feel like you miss him...this is entirley natural. If he was quite controlling i can imagine you had prob came to rely on him a lot so the breakup is bound to change your life but its been no time at all so you need to give it time. as long as your still contacting him or seeing him you will not be able to move on. Your worried he will cancel...this shows that even though you are not together he still has control.....you need to take your emotions into your own hands and shift the control and cancel it yourself, you will prob feel horrible and a cocktail of emotions but by doing is you are showing him he has not got control and your making a big step to move on with your life...go girl!....and you also have to realise you can still go to the film.....you dont need him to do that take a friend and have a girly night. Beleive me your friends are the ones who will help pull you out of this, keep busy and try and do lots of things you enjoy . good luck

Answer 2

The way you are feeling at the moment is perfectly normal.  When we break up with anyone it takes time to adjust to the situation.  When you go from seeing someone everyday to suddenly not seeing them at all it will be really hard.

I won't babble on with the usual cliches I will just say this....everytime you think of him just think of the bad things.  Think of the times he hurt you, upset you, made you cry.  Do this EVERYTIME he comes into your mind and it will work.  (Changing the name you have his number saved under on your phone also helped.  I changed my ex's phone list name to 'Don't answer it')

You will get through this.  Cancel the date and walk away with your head held high.  That's the most dignity any of us can hope for honey.

Good luck - keep us posted!

Answer 3

Going out with your ex isn't going to do either of you any good.

I could list a hundred reasons why but i would bet that you know them already.

It's obviously a very hard time for you, but you have regained control of your life.

I would cancel the cinema and drinks thing and say goodbye, then work towards getting on with your life.

Good luck - you will get through it.

Answer 4

the absolute best way to get over someone is to erase them them your life. no calls, no email, text, msn etc. cut all ties and move on.

its a lot harder than it sounds, but given a few weeks you'll wonder why you still needed closure.

Answer 5

honestly I dont see why you want to meet a guy that treated you the way he did, but if you feel its something you have to do - then just do it. If he does cancel - well then you have your answer that he is still a jerk, and that should suffice for your closure.

If he does show up, I fear that you could end up back with him, you've admitted you're still in love with him - I honestly think you're on dangerous emotional grounds to be meeting him again

xx

Answer 6

I understand your situation, i have been there! i was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, the hardest thing about this type of relationship is that you are always to blame for everything and everything is always your fault even though you continue to love them. I'm guessing you have prob isolated yourself from most your family and friends. Now they know they don't understand.

I wouldn't recommend going out with your ex to the cinema. I think it is best to leave some time and space between the two of you, you say you don't want to get back with him but you will when you see him an speak to him again.

If you do go it is best to act as just friends, dont hold hands dont hug him when you meet him, just be friends. And dont go home with him at the end of the evening make sure you go your seperate ways

I hope it all works out for you