What's the best way to ask for my baby back?

Question

I know this sounds silly but my 5 month old daughter is now fully attached to my husband and I. If I let anyone hold her, she wails immediately.

My MIL is coming back from a 6 week vacation and my daughter is guaranteed to cry with her. Problem is my MIL never gives her back to my when she is crying. She walks away with her in hopes of settling her down. I have asked for her back, and even hold out my arms, but she disregards me. What can I say that's not too rude but firm in wanting my daughter back when she is hysterical?

Answer 1

that is your mil and the baby has to get rid of the anxiety problem... you will have a hard time later!!

Answer 2

Honestly I don't think there is a very nice way of putting it.  With my in laws I just flat out tell them I am going to take my baby now.  They have now come to accept that when I feel like it I will take my baby from them.  If they try to walk away I just follow them and take the baby from their arms.  I figure it is rude of them to keep holding my child when clearly she is not happy and needs to calm down.  I then usually get the baby to calm down and or sleep and then I give the baby back to them to hold.  

Answer 3

The reason your MIL walks away with the baby is probably because she thinks that if the baby still sees you, she's going to want you, and part of that is true.  I know it's hard to listen to your baby cry and I know it feels great when your baby only wants you, but I have to wonder if this is an in-law thing or if you would have a different reaction if this were your parents.  Personally, I love my in-laws and my MIL is totally baby crazy - with anyone's baby - so I know there will come a time when all she is going to want to do is hold my baby and if the baby cries, she's going to try and soothe him/her as long as she can.  She's the grandmother, she's going to want the baby to get used to being in her arms and it's not necessarily a bad thing.  I'm going to have to agree with some of the other answers in letting her attempt to calm the baby down for a bit before you step in and take the baby back.  Obviously if it's not working and the baby is totally frustrated, then it's time for you to step in, but I don't see anything wrong with a little fuss.

Answer 4

STOP.  Before we answer this question, you need to answer this: why do you want you child back from the MIL?  Because you hate to hear her cry?  Because you're concerned that the MIL is harming her?  Because you've offended by the notion that the MIL is trying to have "power" over you?  What?

Realize that being "fully attached" your husband and you is a mixed thing.  It's important for a baby to be bonded with her parents.  However, at 5 months, it's acceptable for her to start to experience other people.  There will be stranger anxiety, but that's normal.  In fact, until she experiences other people, she'll never get over the crying.

As such, it's OK to let the MIL hold her and yes, for her to cry.  However, if the crying goes on too long, it's OK to take her back.  In fact, you should slowly increase "visits" to other people.  For example, start with letting grandma hold the baby for 2 minutes.  After a few days, she may start to feel more comfortable with grandma.  Then, go to 5 minutes.  And so on.

Obviously, if MIL is harming the child, this is another story.  But just because your baby is hysterical does not mean that MIL is bad or is doing anything wrong.

This said, if you want the baby back, a simple "here" and put your arms out.  If MIL ignores this (and it sounds like she does), then you can say "we're trying to gradually increase her exposure to other people... right now, we're up to 2 minutes...  looks like we're getting to that point."

In the end, you are the parent.  No matter what anything thinks, it's up to you how you raise your kid.  Therefore, feel free to be firm.  "I mean no offense... you're not doing anything wrong... but I do need you to respect me and let me take her back now."

Better yet, your husband (MIL's son!) should say this.  If he won't, then you need to have a private conversation with your husband.

Answer 5

I can share my personal experience, bolstered in working with many families for three decades. I reacted exactly like you with my first baby, and subsequently raised an insecure child.

Being on the other side of life, I encourage doing something that's pretty difficult for a new, first mom. Your generalization that "MIL never gives her back" is a red flag. So, ask yourself, "Do I like your mother-in-law? Do I really like her?"

If she's otherwise a good woman, the first thing to do is check-in with your own feelings when baby is placed in grandma's arms. Your baby will respond to your anxiety, even in her grandma's arms. If you cannot relax, just tell her that. You appreciate that she's there, you want to take advantage of her willingness to help, but that you're a new mom and get nervous when your baby cries. For now, you want to hold her. Grandma might object or offer advice, which you can thank her for and say you'll think about. People just want to be heard and accepted, then you can do what you want.

The other part is checking in with your husband's feelings. If he is okay with his mom holding your crying baby, yet doesn't want to elicit your anger in disagreeing with you (something to which only a courageous man will admit), trust that. Maybe go walk outdoors for a bit. It's amazing how babies calm down when mom's not around.

MIL - grandma - was a good enough woman to birth the man you married and bore a child with. Don't let your insecurities get in the way. Use it as an opportunity to grow.

I have a lovely son-in-law. My cousin has a daughter-in-law. Cousin alluded to some quotation about how in marrying off a daughter, a mother gains a son. In marrying off a son, a mother loses one. One of the challenges in getting older (your MIL) is that we lose purpose. If holding the baby isn't working out, find something innocuous for her to do. "I need to hold my baby now, but it would be so helpful if you could finish the dishes for me." You might even broach the subject before it occurs, your husband and you sitting down with grandma. Be honest. She's not wicked or wrong. Still, you need to hold your baby when she cries. No one's right or wrong.

Your open heart will free that of your baby's.

Answer 6

I wouldn't worry about tact, your daughter's needs are first and any human that doesn't see that doesn't deserve politeness.

Answer 7

Don't you just love those in-laws?!? UGH!

I'd stand by your MIL and say "Alright time to come to mommy.  You've been stressed out long enough."  If she doesn't start to hand her over, then I'd reach out and take her.  She's your daughter and obviously she needs your consoling.  Sometimes no matter how nice you are MIL's aren't nice back, and that is when you have to be strong and say no she's my kid not yours.

And remember what it feels like when your MIL does this to you.  Someday you will be a MIL!!

Answer 8

Mother in laws tend to have that certain attitude I can't really explain it but it's ridiculous. I would just say "Oh ... I think she's wants her mommy".  Or since it's your husbands mom I would tell him to talk to his mom and let him deal with it and let him know that you don't like it when she does stuff like that, maybe she will listen to him...hopefully

Answer 9

i would just tell your MIL that she's never gonna stop crying because she wants her mommy and daddy. eventually, i think your MIL will get the picture and hand her over- afterall, who wants to hold a crying baby until the end of time? i'm pretty sure she'll get the picture once you tell her why your daughter is crying.  

Answer 10

Thank you for trying to calm her down, but it would be better if you give her back to me.

Before you give your daughter to your MIL, forewarn her with the statement. I respect the fact that you have raised x amount of children, but if Claire gets too fussy, I would prefer that you give her back to me. It has been a while since she has seen you and I think that it would be better if you got to know each other gradually. If she has a problem with the 1st or 2nd statement, have your husband-her son-speak to her and explain that you guys together prefer your daughter to not be fussy when being held by others. You want her to learn to trust people on her own and not by force.

Answer 11

You need to have your husband talk to his mother about respecting you in your house.  He needs to say that when she is crying you need to have her back.  End of story.  Have your man stand up for his wife and family.

Answer 12

You may have to get rude but before you do that think about this. Babies and toddlers have separation anxiety. It is normal. If we rescue them every time they are anxious, we reinforce the anxiety. If you are anxious when she is crying, she will pick up on that and become anxious, as well.