What's the best way to explain adoption to a child?

Question

How do you explain to a child that he/she is adopted in a way that doesn't make it a negative thing? My feeling is that it's best to start as young as possible in a way that the child can understand, then explain more to them as they get older as they have more questions and can comprehend better.

Answer 1

We have never "not spoken" of adoption.  Although our son was only six months old when we brought him home, we have made it clear that we were blessed to have him join our family.  He is now 4 yrs old and knows that he lived with his grandparents prior to coming to live with Mommy & Daddy.  He may not fully understand the concept yet, but we try to talk about it in terms that he understands.  We have an open adoption with his bio-grandparents and they visit often and we talk on the phone.  For us, it has just always made sense not to hide the fact that we adopted him.

Answer 2

tell them that they are really special as they have 2 mums and dads but you live with us because your mother could not cope for what ever reason and we were lucky because we got to bring you up etc but do not bad mouth the mum and dad as there are lots of reasons why kids are adopted but you need to give the child pleanty of reassureance that the mother did this cause she loved the child and wanted the child to have a better life and also that you to love and cherish the child and always will do also promised that when the time comes you will support the decision to look out the natural parents and mean it you also need to build the childs confidence during this chat and be as honest as you can in an age approiate mannor cause this is going to impact their lives in a big way and if you put it wring it could lead to trouble but let them no that you are there no matter what the future hold and if they ever want to talk let them but dont force them to talk they have to do it when they are ready give them as much unfo bout their birth parents as poss and  unite together as a couple to deal with the impact as this is not going to be easy for the child to hear and they may have feelings of abdandmeant due to this they may also feel insecure and unloved so you both need to be strong and deal with it as a family good luck i hope it works out ok

Answer 3

There is a great book called.  "Talking With Young Children about Adoption" by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher.  The last half of the book are parent written accounts of how their adoption dialogue unfolded with their children at different ages.

BTW - DO NOT tell your child that their birthmother "gave you up because she loved you."  This is very confusing and it makes children fear that their adoptive parents will leave them too, after all their adoptive parents tell them they love them all the time.  You don't want them to equate love with leaving.  You can certainly tell your child that their birthparents loved them, but that isn't the reason they relinquished their parental rights.  They couldn't raise any child at the time, so they made sure they found someone who could take care of them.  You can give more specifics if you know them as the child gets older.

Answer 4

A friend of mine adopted a child from china, and she explains it to her like this.

she tells her that she has her China Mommy and she has her forever mommy.

She's an adoption agent so i think she knows whats the best way to help the child understand = ]

Answer 5

I also feel the younger the better. My parents told me from a very young age that I was adopted probably 2 ½ years old. Also now a days there are quite a few storybooks on adoption that parents can read to their adopted children. They have a book called ‘The day we meet you” which is for baby to preschool age children. “Over the Moon an Adoption Tale” for ages 2 to 8, there are many others. They also have books that specifically talk to parents on how to talk about adoption to their children.

Answer 6

you have to consider how old the child is. if the child is young you could make it sound nice to make them feel better.example tell the child that their mummy was not very well and you where there and you helped look after the child.because you had been looking for one just like them.or that they couldnt look after them idont know stick to the reason if its not a bad one.then they came to live with you etc......just tell them the basics but make it sound nice.if its an older child you are best telling the truth.you have to consider everything about what happened before the child came to you.what happened to their other parents.i just like to say i really admire people that adopt to give children a better life i think its fantastic.

Answer 7

Imho, the best way to do it is for the child to grow up knowing they're adopted and for it never needing to be a "revelation" thing.

We adopted our girls when they were school age, so "explaining" was never an issue...however, I have a lot of friends who adopted babies.

When their child is laying in their arms when they're even tiny, they recount the adoption story to them.  And example might be, "when your birth mother was pregnant with you, she knew that she couldn't provide a life for you that she so desperately wanted you to have.  She chose to make an adoption plan so that you could be well cared for and loved very much."

"In the meantime, your daddy and I were doing all the things that adoptive parents have to do in order to bring a child into the family.  It takes a very long time to get everything done but we finally finished it all and then we were able to go and get you so you could be part of our family.  We're SO glad that we adopted you and thank God every day for you."

A few important things are to:

* never speak negatively about the child's birth family

* avoid "negative" adoption language (your mom "gave you up" or "gave you away" are a couple examples)

* avoid calling the birth family the "real parents"

* avoid wordings that make adoption seem like a "second choice" less desirable than having birth children

There are lots of books that you can read on adoption.  There are also lots of children's books on adoption that you can read to children that cast adoption in a positive light and basically legitimize it as another choice of how people choose to build their families.  Go to http://www.tapestrybooks.com to get some ideas for some reading material.

Answer 8

I think you have precisely the right idea. I think the best way is to make it part of the conversation from the time they are first born or first part of you family. A young baby will clearly not understand what you are talking about but, it will be easy for you to talk about it before they even do understand. A child who was adopted needs to know their "story" and it needs to become a part of who they are and this happens by them hearing it often and in a casual way. There's no need to "sit down and talk about it." It just should become part of what you talk about. Just like with a birth child, you talk about how they look like Aunt Jenny or how they used to look like grandma and now they look more like uncle Jack. With a child who was adopted you can talk about how wonderful it is that their birthmother gave the baby to you to raise and love and become part of your family. The story will always change as the child gets older and understands more and more and has questions. The questions will change over time but, even when they don't change you will need to answer the same ones over and over. Be sure to tell the truth and don't make things up just to have something to say or something easier to say. If you anticipate that something will be difficult for you to talk about, try doing it way before the child will actually ask and that way you can get comfortable and figure out how to say things in an easier way for yourself. I don't see adoption as a negative thing at all. I think you may be looking at it a little too empathetically from the rejected child's point of view if you feel it's so negative. Your child will not feel rejected by his birthparents until long after he feels secure in your family and knows a lot about adoption. I think the story needs to be started more from your point of view and why it is that you adopted a child and not why this child was put up for adoption. There is one really good book that I will recommend because I like it so much. It's called "Did My First Mother Love Me?" and it's written in picture book form clearly to be read to a child so they understand how much their birthmother loved them. It is a really important issue for a child who was adopted and it's the only one like it that I know of.

Answer 9

I started reading books about adoption to my child as a baby. Sometimes it was on birds or animals but things like that. As they grow older, I give more info and read one now written by a birth mother. I agree the younger they are the better, so they know it was no big deal and nothing to be ashamed of. They know they grew love in my heart rather than under it

Answer 10

I was adopted.  At a young age my parents showed me a book that was for children and it came with one for adults that helped me to understand what it meant.  They also stressed to me that I was chosen and loved.  As I grew older and when questions would come up, we would sit down and talk them out.  Hope this helps.

Answer 11

well,they may get mad,but i think u should tell them.because if u tell them at a late age they will kinda get mad and say why didnt u tell me this before and stuff like that.but tell them as early as possible but dont break their heart(be careful)

good luck.

Answer 12

my parents told me when i was 5 or 6. i dont remembeer what they said,but i just accepted it.when i got older i understood,and it wasn't a shock,i just grew up knowing how i came to be in the family.i guess my parent's probably were very matter off fact about it,they didn't elongate on the story,they just simply told me that my mother couldnt look after me,and i was given to them. when i was older and understood,thats when i wanted the knowledge of what happened

Answer 13

Tell them the first day you see them!!!

From the first moment on, when parents start saying loving things, like "We are so lucky to be your parents", or "Adoption is the answer to our prayers" or "Adopting you is the best thing we ever did", it begins to give you the confidence to talk about adoption.

By the time your child begins to understand any of this talk about adoption, it will be as normal as saying they have beautiful brown eyes, or such curly hair. The feeling is the most important thing in the beginning. Then you baby begins to associate love and smiles with the word/talk of adoption. Then by the time they can understand even more, you begin to give them information about adoption in general (not theirs), a little at a time. Read an adoption book or two once in a while at bedtime with their other books. Begin to tell them how they grew in their birthmother's tummy and then you becasme their parents, before they can understand it! This gives you time to practice.

I knew I was on the right track, when my daughter, at about 18 months, threw her arms around my neck one day, and said "Mommy, I'm glad I adopted you!" Now did she really understand adoption at that point? No, but she certainly felt the meaning!

She also wrote a paper in first grade.....reminding me of how I explained adoption to her. She wrote about her birth and adoption in her little first grader words, including that she "loved me even before she was a seed in her birthmother's tummy"!

Regarding question about adoption, it is easier than you may think. Short and sweet. Not long and drawn out. When my daughter was about four, she asked where her birthmother was. I said I didn't know. She asked if she had enough to eat. I said that I sure did hope so. She asked why she didn't take care of her? I told her because she couldn't take care of any baby then in her life. That was it.

We put her birthmother's pictures in a little album, and she looked at these pictures from the time she was a baby. She always knew that was "her birthmother" but it naturally took a while for her to understand what that meant. And then one day, she asked if she could put her picture in our big photo album. Again, I knew we were doing o.k. She felt comfortable. A few years later, she began to show a couple of close friends the photo, and it just seemed as natural as saying "And that is my Aunt Anne."

My tips:

1. Talk about adoption from day one, with love in your heart and a loving smile on your face.

2. Don't tell others your child's personal detailed adoption information before they themselves understand it. (Details about their birthmother's circumstances, lifestyle, age, etc.) This info really belongs to them. They will decide who they talk to about their adoption.

3. Don't overwhelm them with adoption talk. It should be casual and intermittant. It should not drummed into them daily! It does not define them, it is just one part of who they are.

4. Frame your answers about why their birthparents didn't parent them to be about not being able to take care of any child (or another child), not them specifically.

5. Don't sit your child down, ever, and have a big "adoption talk" with them! The old way of "telling" children they were adopted hurt children deeply, because it was a shock, and made some children question their lives as authentic. It also overwhelmed children.

I hope this helps!! Goodl luck!

Answer 14

buy a book -

explain to them that their biological mom gave them up (not becuase she didnt love them) but becuase she DID LOVE THEM - and wanted them to have the best life possible.. what she did was really really hard and that what she did was out of the best interest for them..

she didnt give them up - she gave them a gift of a future that she could not give...

Answer 15

tell them that there is nothing wrong with them,  that there parents  knew how special the child was and wanted them to have a better life than the birth parents could .  u saw them and knew how special they were and wanted to provide a better life for them.

Answer 16

Be honest and up front.  I think it is best let them know when they are very young, my adopted mother let me know from day one.  It is easier if you let your child know they were adopted, chosen, and loved.  Allow them to know adoption is a wonderful thing and because of it you are some happy and more fulfilled.  As they get older you can explain the exact details of their birth parents and why they could not keep them if you know the situation.

Answer 17

My parents succeeded at explaining my adoption to me in a positive way, so I will tell you what they did.

They used the words 'adoption' and 'adopted' far before I knew what they meant. They told me the story of my adoption and about their trip to get me many, many times--before I could comprehend it. They kept telling me often as I grew up. They always spoke of my biological parents in a respectful and thankful way (though they knew little about them). They had a baby book for me that was specifically for adopted children, and let me look through it whenever I wanted to. They took me out to celebrate (like a mini-birthday) on the date of the adoption finalization.

This worked well for me. I never had a shock from learning that I was adopted. Congratulations and best wishes to your family!

Answer 18

Explain to them when they are about 6-8 and are able to understand..start with saying that you love them a lot and you will love them the same way for ever..nothing will change.

By this time the kid gets kinda curious and worried ,so dont just yet break it up..then ask the kid does he/she like mom/dad a lot too?

Then when the kid is confident and puts full trust on 'your love' let him/her know about it,tell story like you asked god for an angel..something that will make the kid feel better and happy.

just remember dont ever get mad/upset at him/her for the time being..wait till they are like 18 or something.

all the best,

Answer 19

yea i was adopted and i grew up knowing it. just tell the kid as young as possible and make sure they know about it and understand it and such.

Answer 20

Just say that you chose her special from a whole bunch of kids.  When she asks why, tell her all the special things about her.  If she asks about the real mommy or daddy, tell her that her BIRTH MOTHER/FATHER (don't use real, as you are just as real as them, and even more so to her) couldn't treat her like the princess she is, so they gave her to you because they knew you could.  hope that helps.