What's the best way to explain to kids?

Question

My question is that I am adopting my husband's two children that are 7 and 10. There mother is worthless and decided to give them up. I want to know if anybody has any suggestions as to best explain the situation to the kids and why they won't be seeing her anymore. Legally I will be their mother but I want to best explain what is going on to them.

Answer 1

well, I would explain it to them with truth and honesty...and with a commitment to their feelings and emotions throughout the process...I would commit to returning to the issue often...and answering all of their questions. I would strongly suggest that their father talk to them...as you are not who they want to hear this kind of truth from....I would also suggest that you change your vocabulary....while she may in fact be 'worthless'....she is more likely unable to handle responsibilities due to a variety of issues. Calling her 'worthless' to your kids, your spouse, your friends, your neighbors, etc. only makes you and your husband look bad...and severely damages children. when they are older, they can determine if she was, in fact 'worthless' or if she simply couldn't care for them. Any bias against their mother in any way...will make them resentful of you and make them resent part of themselves. good luck!!

Answer 2

Well, Ideally their mother could be talked out of this, for her children's sake. Second best would be if she could explain her  situation and decision to them.  And even if she relinquishes, it should still be possible for them to see her -- how very sad for them otherwise.

If neither of these is an option, then your husband should be the one to explain. As their dad this is his role, not yours. It will be much harder on them if it comes from you, and your relationship with them could suffer.

And I agree with the others that you need to rethink how you talk about their mother. She is a part of them -- half of their genetics and a huge part of their hearts and souls. If she is "worthless" then what are they?

You job (mostly your husband's) is to love and support them no matter what, to answer their questions honestly and without color of your emotions, to try to maintain some connection with their mother if possible, to get them counseling if they need it. This is a really big job, as losing their mother will be / has been almost certainly hard on them. I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

at their age, i think they already have an idea about their situation and respect the fact that you are the one taking care of them at this point in their lives.

however, assuming that they start asking questions about their mother, wait until they are both old enough before you explain the legal situation.

Answer 4

well, u will have to tell them the real story eventually, but pull a potitican, just beat around the bush until they can handle it,example

your mother had a health problem and could not keep you, not lieing, but not the full truth

Answer 5

I promise you, she is not worthless to the children.  She is their mother, regardless if you will claim that title legally or not.  So, first things first, come to a place within yourself where you feel you can respect their mother.  She is a part of them, and if you put her down, they will feel there is something wrong with them.

How to explain it?  Well, that depends on your reasons for adopting.  If it's not necessary to adopt them, for their own safety, then please consider a guardianship instead.  One day your children might ask you why it was SO necessary to adopt them that it was worth altering their history, and locking away their truth (i.e. when you adopt, the adoptee's original birth ceritificate is sealed, and they lose their right to access it without your permission.  This can make it difficult for some adoptees later in life to get medical insurance, passports, etc. because it looks a tad suspicious that their birth certificate wasn't issued until they were 7 and 10 years old...it raises questions, KWIM?)  So basically, if you're doing it for safety reasons, then it's easy to explain.  If it's not done for safety reasons...well then, your difficulty in finding a way to explain it is understandable.  There isn't a reason to adopt them, so it would be awefully tough to explain.

In short...what's best for the KIDS?  Think about what they'll be asking you in 20 years, and how you'll answer their questions then.  How will this change their lives for the long run?  How would you feel in their position?  How would you want someone to explain it to you?

Answer 6

Part of being a good adoptive parent is NEVER putting down the children's mother.  They are a part of her.  By insulting their mother, you are rejecting a part of the children.  It hurts the kids, trust me.

Just be honest to the kids and offer lots of hugs.  I wish you all the best:)

Answer 7

They are not infants or young toddlers- I really think they can figure out that you have been the one that has been there for them- so just be as honest with them as you can- however, one suggestion , don't tell them what you said about their birth mom- hearing the word "worthless" will not help the situation- actually it could hinder it a lot.  Even though they are not babies- they are still at very vulnerable ages -  no matter how they themselves may feel about their birth mom- they have known her for those years, and may be very sensitive to her, even when she may not have been the best mom in the world. You have said nothing about your husband's involvement in telling the kids.  Since they are his bio children, PLEASE tell me that he will be there to tell them too-  it seems that you are the one that are going to have to tell them. Could be wrong- Again- be as honest with them, more about your love for them, then "the unworthiness of their birth mom"- just a suggestion.