What's the difference between the decision to live together and the decision to get married?

Question

Let's leave religion and the legal stuff out of it. I know being married has certain legal benefits and tax benefits. I'm not talking about that. I know that's not why most people are happy to get married.

I see a lot of stuff about people who are so happy to be getting married, but they already live together. Isn't living together pretty much the same thing? The finances might be a little different, but doesn't it involve the same emotional commitment? And what does marriage mean to you then?

Answer 1

I always answer this, leaving morals/religion out of it, so it's more generic.

There's a HUGE difference between marriage and shacking up. Living together just doesn't involve the commitment, and that does not mean the old 'piece of paper' argument - marriage is about stability and security - emotionally as well as otherwise; shacking up is 'playing house'.

It's definitely not the same commitment - either of you shacking up is free as a bird to come and go as you please - there is no tie, no bond.

If you want the stats, here they are -

(from US Attorney's site -)

Probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within 5 years: 20%.

Probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years: 49%.

After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitations.

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http://www.vifamily.ca/library/cft/cohab...

Answer 2

Well its like this u can run the **** out when ever u please do second thoughts, its not like the girls going to end up with Ur 401k and half Ur retirement and half Ur house or what ever it is or the other way around. Its easier to just live together. and yes its just like being married " not to bring religion in" most cultures believe u are married once u start living together u know? yes its just the same. and when u get married it still it feels the same maybe u guys think bout Ur wedding and  c**p but really there all it is. nothing i don't think really changes my ex and i have been together for 3 years living together for 2 1/2 its the d**n same thing!

Answer 3

mainly a piece of paper.  a cheat is a cheat  married or not.

Answer 4

It's taking a public oath to stay together through thick and thin no matter what.  To me, that is extremely different from just living together.  Just living together implies you can move out any time you choose to, whereas this is a very serious promise to work through whatever problems arise in the relationship.

Answer 5

I can’t discuss marriage and leave religion out of it because marriage is a sacred institution established by God for the primary purpose of bringing Him glory.  Its main purpose is not, as some think, to procreate, or to have companionship, or to fulfill sexual needs.  No.  Its primary purpose is to bring glory and honor to God.  It is only in marriage that we are able to carry out the commission of God to replenish the earth and to subdue it.  This commission by God can only be properly accomplished in marriage where the husband and wife in faithful, covenantal relationship purpose to glorify God by having children, raising them in a godly fashion, and sending them out into the world having trained them in the ways of the Lord.  This is what marriage is for.  It is outward focused (for God's glory), not inward centered (for our comfort).  Let’s go a step further, “He that committeth sin is OF THE DEVIL” (1st John 3:8).  It is Satanic to live in fornication outside the proper boundaries of Marriage.  No matter how unpopular it may become or how inconvenient it may seem, marriage is still God’s diving plan for a man and a woman.

Answer 6

Basically....a piece of paper

Answer 7

I planned on staying with my "now husband" for the rest of my life, but his job said that I can't have insurance without being married.  I didn't plan on it again, but I'm surely not unhappy being married for the fourth time.  I just kept my birth name this time.  

It does make a difference.  Married carries a lot of weight when it comes to buying a house and finances and wills.

Answer 8

I thought the same thing as you, especially since we already have a child. What could be different?

Well, it just feels different. I don't view divorce as an easy option. Before I was married I could easily leave the relationship at any given time. Not that I would have, but I could have. Now I can't.  

It's hard to explain. I just know that I doubted my married friend when he said that things would be different. Now I understand him.

I suppose I would say that it is the same thing when people say that there is no difference between living with someone and always being at their house. There is a huge difference.

Answer 9

I think its different emotionally. Cheating is bad, but when your bf cheats- some will go as far to say "so what? He's not married." But if he was your husband its "WTH! He's married!"

Its a commitment everyone else can recognize.

Answer 10

I think living together is the step before marrige. Yeh living together is a huge decision but you might live with a number of different partners in your life, whereas marrige is sorta more permenant, its like saying you are 100% the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. Living together isnt really like that.

Answer 11

basically just the marrige lic.

Answer 12

Funny you would ask that as i am in the middle of planning my wedding which will be in a week...ikes! I live with my guy and we already have kids. Yes being in this type of relationship already has a form of a commitment, but once we tie the knot, the commitment will be that much stronger. It's like this...say you make a new years resolution, but you only tell yourself what it is. It's that much easier to break. Whereas if you tell everyone what it is, it's that much harder to break you feel more disappointed in yourself when you do. Marriage is the same thing. You are decalring your bond for all to see, so it takes a much deeper level of commitment.

Answer 13

well there is a HUGE difference. i mean if you are just living together then you could risk a chance of a break-up & make-up relationship, but marriage is a BIG commitment and you are supposed to be there for each other no matter what.

Answer 14

It's hard to leave out the legal and religious aspects, but there are other reasons.  For example, I have lived with my fiance for nearly 5 years, and we are finally planning to marry next summer.  Why is that important to me?  The legal reasons are part of it (religion is not an issue), and a lot of it has to do with committment and security.  If you only live together, either one of you can call it quits at any time.  Your marriage vows essentially mean that you commit to doing everything you can to save the relationship in the event of hardship, which everybody encounters.  In my case, I want children, but I will not have them (if I can help it) outside of marriage.  Not for any moral or religious reasons, but because I want to do everything I can to protect my children from the hassle of custody battles, child support issues, etc.  I don't think it's right to bring children into a situation that hasn't been made as secure as possible.  I hope this helps.

Answer 15

Because there's a commitment made there.  There's a certain bond that takes place when they get married in front of God(sorry, had to put that in), family, and friends, and making it legal(sorry, had to do it again).  That bond is not there with shackups.  I have had so many who have shacked up and then married tell me this.

I don't know of anyone who gets married thinking it probably won't last.

I didn't shack up or have s*x with my husband before we got married.  I wanted better than that, and I got it.

Answer 16

Having done both, I can assure you that marriage is a much deeper level of committment.

Answer 17

Shacking up is just a way to avoid making any real commitment.

Answer 18

I think when people get married it's the excitement of knowing this person has made a commitment to be with you forever.

However, two people that live together might have made that commitment to each other privately aswell, in whichcase, besides the legal/religious aspects, there's not much difference.

That being said, I think most people that live together aren't making the commitment to be together forever. So when/if they decide to get married, it's exciting because they now have that commitment.

I have to add that the answerer above me who went on about god... they need to open their eyes because to some people, marriage is a legal contract and has nothing to do with anyone/anything other than the two people entering the marriage!!!

Answer 19

perhaps its the permanent feeling that is the difference- you  both committed in every sense to be together rather than long-term dating in the same space. Marriage means a permanent best friend and lover to grow with. ultimately, its how the couple sees the two

Answer 20

Marriage means the difference between calling him my boyfriend/fiance and calling him my husband.

Marriage means that our ties are not so easily breakable.  You can say the emotional investment is the same for some who live together, but for others, marriage is another level of commitment.

Marriage means security for a family.  It means that when we have children and if something ever happened to one of us, the other spouse and the children would be provided for financially.

Marriage means demonstrating to everyone else what the two of you already know - I love this person, they are the only one for me and whatever comes in the future, we will be together.

We lived together 7 years before getting married.

Answer 21

not getting married is like always having an escape plan.  some like the idea that if it doesn't work out, they can always leave without any collateral damage.  

But we believe, you have to be in it, to win it.  Plus getting married is usually in front of loving friends and family.  You are purposefully declaring your commitment and love that is meant to be forever.  

Living together, even though sharing the bills and what not, is like having a roommate (with benefits) but the deal can always be broken.  (Yes people do divorce.)  

We had a beautifu wedding and it WAS WONDERFUL!!!  I would marry my husband again in a heartbeat.

Answer 22

If you have children it is much easier to be married, and have the same last name. Buying a house is easier married, as long as both of you have good credit.

Answer 23

I think living together is different because when you are married, you are supposed to be saying that you will be together forever, while living together is not that big of a commitment. You can easily move out, sure you can get a divorce but you are not up there in front of your family and friends pledging to spend the rest of your lives together.