What's the funniest joke you know??

Question

Please tell me the funniest jokes you know.. so i can cheekily pas sthem off as my own! lol!

Answer 1

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Answer 2

It's easy to distract fät people...

...it's a piece of cake.

Answer 3

You: "it smells like up-dog in here..."

person: "What's 'up dog'??"

you: "Nothing much, what's up with you?"

Answer 4

There were a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. They all wanted to get into heaven, there was 100 steps to get into heaven, there was a joke on each step, and to get in, you can't laugh.

The Redhead laughed on the first, the Brunette laughed on the 50th. The Blonde laughed on the 99th.

Once it was over the redhead and the brunette asked the blonde, you had one more to go, why?

She said, "i just got the first joke."

Answer 5

a man was sitting on his sofa and his wife came up behind him and  hit him with a rolling pin he said ' what was that for' the wife replied that he had found a piece of paper in his jacket pocket that said 'mary jane' the man made up that it was a horse he had bet on. the wife accepted his answer and walked away. the next week the woman hit him again this time with a frying pan, again the man asked 'what was that for' and the wife replied 'your horse rang'. lol

Answer 6

knock knock

whos there?

howard

Howard who?

Im fine, howard u?

Answer 7

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Answer 8

knock,knock

whos there?

panther

panther who?

me panther falling down!

lol xox

:D

Answer 9

try some yo mamma jokes...like:

yo mamma so old....she farts dust!!!!

yo mamma so fat...when she's hit by the bus..she says STOP THROWING THEM ROCKS AT ME!!!!

yo mamma so fat...when she sat on a gamecube...it turned into a gameboy advanced.

and the list goes on....

Answer 10

  

Train Commute

Pauly came home from his first day commuting to work into the city.

Mrs. Pauly noticed he was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey,

are you feeling all right?”

“Not really,” Pauly replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward

on the train.”

“Poor dear,” Mrs. Pauly said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting

across from you to switch seats for a while?”

“I couldn’t,” replied Pauly, “there was no one there.”

Answer 11

i know a ever funny joke but i would like to share this one right now~~!!!!!!!!!!!!long but worth it~~!!!!!

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "s*x". s*x is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took s*x for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for s*x."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for s*x. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for s*x. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had s*x since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have s*x at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But s*x has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around s*x."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having s*x there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for s*x. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for s*x. Then I said, "You don't understand. s*x keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had s*x on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had s*x before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married s*x had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, s*x has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that s*x isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

Answer 12

I am just going to put all of the jokes i know down:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

**************************************...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."



The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."





The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter,

Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.

The chicken was Dee-licious!"

**************************************...

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."



"Batteries?" cried the wife ...........................................



"Yes" he replied.

"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

**************************************...

Juan comes up to the Mexican border

on his bicycle.

He's got two large bags over

his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says,

"What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says,

"We'll just see about that ~

get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags

and rips them apart;

he empties them out and

finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight

and has the sand analyzed,

only to discover that

there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan,

puts the sand into new bags,

hefts them onto the man's shoulders,

and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination

and discovers that the bags

contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan,

who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated

every week for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day

and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard,

"I know you are smuggling something.

It's driving me crazy.

It's all I think about.

I can't sleep.

Just between you and me,

what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says,

"Bicycles."

**************************************...

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor.

He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The  next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

**************************************...

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival  they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.

Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

**************************************...

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull;tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

****************************************...

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

**************************************...

Go to this link for a funny joke:

http://www.danggoodjokes.com/perfect/

**************************************...

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under

the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times.

If I don't park here, I'll miss my

appointment.

FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

"I've circled this block for 10

years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation."

**************************************...

See if you can answer these correctly...

Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You

have to answer them quickly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second

person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first,

then you are absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are

second!

Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second

question, don't take as much time as you took on the first

question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you

are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do

NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30..

add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day.

Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene,

3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.

Read the Question again.

**************************************...





  



  

Had Boys, Have Boys,

Thinking About Boys

Good Clean Jokes

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control



**************************************...

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot,

who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times,

long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.

The parrot got bored,

his owner growing stale and not developing

any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.

One night in the middle of the magician's performance,

the ship hit an iceberg and sank.

Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot.

The magician managed to swim to a piece of

wreckage and climb aboard,

immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician,

perched on the edge of the makeshift raft

and stared at the magician.

And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious,

and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him.

Eventually the magician started to stir.

Looking up, he saw the parrot,

still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks,

"Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?

**************************************...



I'm a nut

  

  

On the outskirts of town,

there was a big old pecan tree

by the cemetery fence.

  

One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts  and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing  them.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he  heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.

One for you, one  for me."

He just knew what it was.

"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord

dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard.

Satan and the Lord are down at the  cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"  When the boy insisted,  the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered,

"Boy, you've been tellin' the truth,

let's see if we can see the  devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate,

yet  were still unable to see anything.  



The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they  heard,

"One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate,  and  we'll be done."

They say, the old guy made it back to town  before the boy!



**************************************...

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a

look at his Mercedes.



Morris shouted across the garage,

"Hey DeBakey!

Is dat you?

"Come on ova' here a minute."



The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

"So Mr. Fancy Doctor,

look at dis here work.

I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.

So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"



Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.



"Try doing it with the engine running."

**************************************...

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

--------------------------------------...

A nurse was giving a female coma patient a sponge bath, when she accidentally brushed up on the woman's private parts. Suddenly, the patients vital signs jumped up. So the nurse tried it again, and once again, the vital signs jumped up...so she called the Doctor, and showed him what had happened.

The Doctor grew excited, and called the woman's husband. He explained what had happened, and said "I think it's worth trying for you to try oral s*x with her, and that might be enough to wake her up."

So the husband agreed, and came over to the hospital, where they left him alone with his wife to get going....

a few minutes later, however, the alarms began to ring, and the Doctor found the woman to be dead.

He turned to the husband and asked him "What happened? Didn't you try oral with her?"

"Yeah... I guess she must have choked on it."

--------------------------------------...

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.”"

--------------------------------------...

An old man went by the shoe store one day and bought a pair of boots. He came home to his lovely old wife standing in the kitchen. "Honey, do you notice any different about me?" he asked. She said, "Did you get a haircut?" "No," he said. "Look closer." She looked harder and still couldn't tell.

The old man left the room and came back a few minutes later naked except for his boots. "Honey, now do you notice any different about me?" he asked. The wife replied, "Well, your d**k was down yesterday, it's down today, and it will be down forever." "You know why it's down?" he asked. "Cause it's looking at my new boots!" The wife nonchalantly replied, "You should have bought a hat."

--------------------------------------...

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man

reading a book, and noticed he had his collar

on backwards. The little boy asked why he

wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a Priest, said:

'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied:

'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar

like that.'

The priest looked up from his book

and answered:

'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said:

'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two

grandchildren and he doesn't wear

his collar that way!'

The Priest, getting impatient, said:

'I am the Father of hundreds'

and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for

a while, then leaned over and said:

'Maybe you should wear a condom and

your pants backwards instead of your

collar'.

**************************************...

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!!!."

**************************************...

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help!

Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying

to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a

h**l of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and

pretend I didn't see anything.

I finally decided that I should help.

She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got

that handbag.

**************************************...

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!

**************************************...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the

block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

**************************************...

A guy is having a drink

in a bar.

A lot of drinks.

A very dark bar.

He leans over to the big woman

next to him and says,

"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies,

"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder.

The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs;

she's an ex-pro wrestler.

Next to her is a blonde

who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs.,

and she's a kick boxer professional.

Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second

then says;

"No, not if I'm going to have to explain it  three times."!

**************************************...

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,

"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best,  you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

**************************************...

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.  Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.  The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway, and tied it to his bumper.  He then tied the other end to the bike and told the rider that he would drive slow.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.  

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.



A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed ahead to the another officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed,



    

"...and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike yelling to pass."

**************************************...

  

  An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road.

Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out.

So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled:  

Pull, Nellie,

pull!

Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled"

Come on,

Pull Ranger!

Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud:

Now pull, Fred....

pull hard!

Benny just stood there.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said:

Ok, Benny...

now pull.

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer:

" I really appreciate that, but why di you call your horse the wrong name three times?"

" Why, old Benny's blind and if the thought he was the only one pulling it, he wouldn't even try!"

**************************************...

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,

where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said,

as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time

is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,

semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked,

"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded,

$5,000 for a male brain,

and $1,000 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile,

avoiding eye contact with the women,

but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity,

blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence

and so to the entire group said,

"It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains,

because they've been used!"

*****************

A young boy had just

gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father,

who was a minister,

if they could discuss his use

of the family car.

His father said to him,

"I'll make a deal with you.

You bring your grades up,

study your bible a little,

and get your hair cut,

then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back

and again asked his father if

they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son,

I'm real proud of you.

You have brought your grades up,

you've studied your bible diligently,

but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment

and replied, "You know dad,

I've been thinking about that.

You know Samson had long hair,

Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,

and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied,

"Yes son,

and they walked everywhere they went!"

**************************************...

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,

SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.

I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE."

THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,

"WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"

SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302."

"I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION."

"3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"

"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."

"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.

OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,

HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE

  AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS   IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK."

THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD!

THAT'S WONDERFUL"

OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC.

THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "

THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!"

"NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!

AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!"

**************************************

The day finally arrived:  Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.

The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you.

I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,

and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.

I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.

Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest.

But, the test I have for you is only three questions.

Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?

Second, how many seconds are there in a year?

Third, what is God's name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks,

"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,

"Forest!  That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though,

and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest.

"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve!

Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:

January second, February second, March second... "

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it.

And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.

I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter,

"Can you tell me God's name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's name.

Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard."

"Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.    

"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."

"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,

"Which song and prayer?"

"Andy's song", responds Forest,

"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me... ",

and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:

"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

************

  

Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,

"We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,  Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting,

"You fool! You sent us to our deaths!

We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.

It vuz not a bacon tree.

It vuz a ham bush!"



Well, I know more but my fingers are tired!

I hope this helps you!

Answer 13

When did abraham lincoln cross the road?

Four score and seven years ago.

Answer 14

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

Answer 15

YOU:Pete and re-Pete sat on a bench. Pete falls off, who'se left?

OTHER:re-Pete

YOU:Pete and re-Pete sat on a bench. Pete falls off, who'se left?

OTHER:re-Pete

etc.

Answer 16

  Mexico Drops Out of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics this summer.

He stated: ''Casi todos los que pueden correr, saltar, o nadar ya han salido del pais''

Translation:

'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left our country.'