What's wrong with me? Can someone explain?

Question

The other day I got really upset for a random reason and (as is typical for me) I started blaming myself for things. I was mad at myself for crying, accused myself of being weak and thin-skinned, moving on to other bad things about me like being naive and inconsiderate, sure that through these sins, I had brought everything bad that had ever happened to me on myself. I sat and scribbled in my notebook about it in handwriting less-legible and larger than normal. I thought about how I don't deserve anything I have, and how people who are in pain and suffereing should have what I have. How I should be the one in pain. Then, abruptly, I grabbed a pair of scissors off my desk and made scrapes down my arm to the point that they were raised and red. Then I took the eraser and rubbed a small raw spot into my forearm. Both developed scabs later on. Strangely, though I had still felt the pain, I also felt a sort of relief. The physical pain drowned out the mental pain a bit. I suppose I've become sort of addicted to this pain. It blocks out all of the self-hatred. It feels good, in a twisted sort of way. And I’ve tried to stop, but I can't. I used to try to make other people mad if I was sad; I’d spit venomous words at whoever had upset me, staying very coolly evil with my attacks. If I get really upset now, I express it physically. I throw things, I rip paper, I hurt myself...it's weird, and scary, and I don't understand. My parents and brother and even my three-year-old cousin are starting to notice the band-aids on my arm. But if I don't put on band-aids, they'll see the brutal-looking scabs, and they could get infected, resulting in a visit to the doctor, and then I'd have to tell the truth. And I don't want to tell the truth. I don’t want to be seen as a freak. I just want it to stop. So can someone please try to explain what’s happening to me? I don’t want to get help. I won’t. I’m already seeing a therapist and I lie to her ever time I see her because I don’t trust her. Even if she doesn’t tell anyone, she might make fun of me to herself, and even that is something I can’t risk. I don’t trust anyone at all but myself, so can someone just explain to me what’s going on? I’m a twelve year old girl with a little brother. HELP ME!

Answer 1

dont do those things

just sit and breath deeply dont cut your arm

talk to a friend maybe that you can trust

Answer 2

I have trust issues too, I hate the thought of trusting anybody but myself. It just can't be avoided though. You may not like having to depend on someone, but in the long run it will help. It could even begin to lift some of the weight off your shoulders.

Trust your therapist. Do you honestly think you're the first kinda person she has delt with? There has bound to have been many people like you that she has helped. Allow her to help you, she knows what she is doing. Look at her sessions as a way of letting everything out in the open. Use that as your escape, not by hurting yourself.

You are actually in fact making things worse by doing that. I used to try, I thought it would because it supposedly helped so many other people. IT DOESN'T. You are just left feeling more disatisfied.

If you can, also talk to your family. Even if it is just one member, kay?

Shawnee x*x.

Answer 3

I can try to help explain. I have had a good friend hurt herself when she got so upset and angry. First off I don't know you, so I am not judging you. My friend used to get upset and blame herself for everything. But this came from her mother. Her mother was very difficult and an extreme jesus freak if you know what I mean. She would make my friend feel  very bad for everything. She yelled and cursed (I don't think jesus would have liked that!) her constantly day in day out.  So what did my friend do, she would cut herself to make the overwhelming mental/emotional pain fade.

So let me ask you, is there something or someone in your life currently or in the past who has put you down or made you feel inferior or worthless?  OR Has something happened to you?  OR You could just have low self-esteem and need to work on loving yourself.  I'm not sure, only you know those answers. Hang in there dear.