What's wrong with my introduction?? easy 4 u guys !! 10 points?

Question

the topic of my essay is ''Prevention is better than cure''

My intro : Many people nowadays are suffering from many diseases, no matter how small or big it is, it can sometimes be cured by using simple methods. But most of them don't even listen to the easy path they should follow

my teacher said that its not ''clear''...well i think i cant change anything about it right now...what do u say??

Answer 1

I'd be glad to help. First off, you are using run on sentences. Give the sentences adequate pauses. Periods and semi-colons will help.

You also used the word 'many' a lot of times. Also, it is unclear as to where you are leading us to. Maybe giving some extra sentences from your introduction would have helped me better.

I would do it this way, although don't copy down my exact stuff.

"People nowadays suffer from many diseases. Despite the magnitude of the diseases, that is, whether they are "big or small", various methods are available for curing them. Yet, many refrain from even adopting (or, "even listening") to these methods."

I really can't write more, and I surely can tell that mine isn't the best version you'll find. But I do hope I set you on track.

Just as a question, back to you, if you're asked about a topic such as "Prevention Is Better Than Cure," why would you want to draw attention to stuff like 'people don't even follow the easy way to cure the disease' as per your last sentence. We are talking about prevention being better than a cure, so why elaborate on 'Cure?'

No need to glorify it. :)

Answer 2

Are the diseases STD's or ones that you get shots for when you are a kid? Just don't assume people know what you are talking about. Look at it this way... I have no idea what your topic is... I pick up your paper... Now catch my attention with what it is about, the problem with it, and how to fix it. All that in a short introduction. Let the body of the paper explain the rest.

Answer 3

maybe you should try something like, "People of our time are facing multiple issues with diseases. Though there are some ways to cure a disease, would it not be easier to not have the disease in the first place? Disease prevention is an ignored topic, and should be regarded....etc...

Try less sentences with comma after comma. Sometimes teachers believe that is just an excuse to not write another full sentence.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Well, it's a good intro. But it could be a little more powerful. And you need a thesis still. How about:

There are many diseases in the world today, affecting people from every class and country. Surprisingly, many of them can be cured using very simple methods. But even more than that, many diseases are easily preventable, making the simple but possibly costly cure unnecessary.

It's short and to the point. It avoids re-using words too much. And it supports the topic.

Make sure your intro addresses your topic. Yours was a little ambiguous.

Make sure to use your own words, too, not mine,

Good luck!

Answer 5

Nowadays many people fail to use the simple cures available to them and they suffer needlessly as a result.

Your teacher is correct.

Answer 6

u should say   " Many of today's people are suffering from countless diseases. Simple methods can sometimes be used for some of these diseases, big or small. Although they are oblivious to the easy path they should have followed

hope i helped!