What's wrong with my toddler? Is it my fault?

Question

My son will be two next month and he is out of control. He hits and throws dozens of temper tantrums each day. He does not talk, though I know he understands me because he follows directions very well. He seems to be very hyper. He will run in circles for a half hour or more at a time, screaming, run up and down stairs and back and forth. This is non stop for hours. I have no choice but to keep him pinned up in the house all day because my husband has the car at work and our neighborhood is not safe to walk through, nor could I control my toddler while holding his three week old brother after just having had a c-section. I try to involve him with the new baby but he just hits the baby or runs away crying. I try to have 1-on-1 time with my toddler but he runs to the corner and screams as if I'm the most horrible person on the planet. He can't talk so he doesn't say he hates me but I'm pretty sure that's what his squawking translates to. I've tried time outs, I've tried taking away every single toy and book he owns. He just gets increasingly violent. Even if I put him in time out away from everyone in a confined area, he starts hitting himself!

I'm very concerned and all I want to do is take away whatever is making my 2 year old so miserable.

My husband trys to help when he is here but he works all the time and when he is home he is exhausted. Neither of us has family in the state and because our jobs and children are so demanding we don't even have friends to help us. We are very poor and cannot afford a nanny.

What can I do to help my toddler? What could be wrong with him and is it my fault? What should I do?

Answer 1

HI, I am a mother of 2 kids my son is 8 and my daughter is 4.

I guess what surprises me is that he is two and not talking. Does he ever sit on the floor and rock back and forth? you said he runs around in circles, you also said he hits himself. If you want to know what I think,

I think you may have an autistic child. Don't start freaking out, it's not a bad thing, it just means that he is a slower learner than other kids

and that his brain is a little more complex. You should contact your pediatrician and let them know what has been going on. They will need to evaluate him. Don't wait, the sooner the better.

I wish you the best!

Answer 2

talk to your doctor about your son's diet...there are professionals that believe a gluten-free diet can affect behavior and improve autistic tendencies

Answer 3

Maybe a toddlers group would be good for him so he can interact with other children his age, it would keep him occupied for a few hours while you get a break.  He is of an age where they would try to push the boundaries and see how far he can go.  He could be quite jelous of the new baby, I know when i was little i was VERY jelous of my baby sister, i was about 2 1/2 at the time.  I think people need to make a fuss of him first then make a fuss of the baby, its a "i was here first" older sibling thing lol  

If things continue to get worse see his doctor about it, maybe they will have a medical reason why he can go a bit hyper.  They could introduce you to people who are specialised in dealing with hyper children aswell.

I hope this gives you a bit of help.  It cant be easy for you. Good luck :)

Answer 4

It sounds as if your child is suffering from either autism or ADHD syndrome.  The only thing I can suggest is that you contact your health visitor or doctor immediately to get this sorted out.  

Once you know what you're dealing with solutions will be on hand and you just work through them.  

Good luck

Answer 5

I had autism fears in my child for a long time. She seemed to meet a lot of the criteria on the lists you see for autism. She threw screaming uncontrollable raging temper tantrums. She had a lot of trouble transitioning from one activity to the next which is when the tantrums would come in. She would not interact with other children. She did compulsive activities like peeling crayons, saying the same phrase over and over or running back and forth across the room in the same spot over and over. She is four. Due to some dental problems and other things I took a good look at her diet. I completely revamped everything using the website below. I stopped giving her juice which was the biggest change. Made sure she had well balanced meals with each food group represented. She is a completely different child. No tantrums, no obsessive behavior. She is social and interactive now. Before you start looking at autism try a diet change. It seems SO SIMPLE but it really really makes a difference.

Answer 6

Call Early Intervention for a complete evaluation of your son behavior. There are some many issues that you talk about your son that make think your son may have ADD, or ADHD, or even PDD. The fact that he is so hyper & he doesn't know how to communicate (other than words) seeing he may need early intervention... Don't get alarm about it... I think he may need some therapies to call him down, & help him to communicate (building words, or signs, or gestures, etc) The evaluation is free. Just go to your state government web site & look into the group that take care of children under 3. Call them & ask them to evaluate your child. If he needs help the EI people will tell you. & the therapies will be done in your house... You won't even need to take him to some place else to get what he needs....

I was in your position a year ago. I called them & they helped my son... My son is now 3 1/2 years old. He behaves better. & I now know what it's my son's problem. Now I have some tools to manage his behavior..

Answer 7

it sounds like he needs lots more activity in the day take him to the park every day or every second day, take him to the pool, take him to the library (quick trips of course but at least he'll learn about quiet environments) if your by some beaches take him to the beach, or just a simple walk around the neighborhood would do wonders, boys at that age have alot of energy and need to vent it the right way or they will become violent and hyper. Try getting him in a playgroup or going into indoor playgrounds.

Answer 8

take a deep breath and relax. You have done nothing wrong with your child. He has a speech delay and I truly believe that it is the root of his problems. My son could only say 10 words at 27 months old. he was so frustrated that he would have horrible screaming crying fits over something simple like flipping the light switch. There were other times that he would literally go sit in the corner and hold his head in his hands. I could tell how upset he was that we could not understand him. At 24 months we had him checked by early intervention. They confirmed that he had a speech delay and set him up with free speech therapy 2x a week. He was also given a "budget" of federal and local funds for purchase of therapy tools. Our first purchase was sign language DVDs. Within a week of watching them (many hours a day...he loved them!) he was grunting to get my attention so he could sign to me. I noticed a reduction in tantrums within a week or 2. We have recently purchased some other tools such as a professional workbook for home practice and flashcards and things like that too. I have not paid a penny for any of it.

If he still has anger issues after the speech has been dealt with, then you can explore other things in the alphabet soup (ADD/ADHD, PDD, etc). During the course of having him screened through Early Intervention they may decide that they suspect something and want further testing.

I do have an article on developmental dyspraxia that I would love to send you as an e-mail attachment. It is well written by a speech therapist. I was amazed when I read it...so much of it sounded just like my son.

Just to give you a glimmer of hope...and show you the light at the end of the tunnel... My son who could only say 10 words 8 months ago is now speaking in full sentences, and was even counting to 4 in SPANISH earlier this week while watching diego. He knows more than 150+ verbal words, and 50+ ASL signs. He can make himself understood pretty darn well. I had a psychiatrist last week try and tell me that his speech was ADVANCED.

Answer 9

You need to talk to your doctor. I would agree that this is not normal toddler behavior, and there may be something else going on. (Autism. ADHD, etc.)  You need professional assistance.

Answer 10

I'd have him checked for autism - he has a few red flags there.  At two, he should be able to put two words together and express himself a little bit more than this - although they don't call it the terrible twos for nothing.  All the same, get him checked by a professional - I have a feeling that somethings very amiss here.  Good luck.  

Answer 11

Go out and buy "The Whisperer for Toddlers" by Tracey Hogg.  I think that it would give you the steps to regain control.  A friend of mine that has an out of control two year old said she read the book and followed the guidelines - which changed HER parenting skills and her two year old was amazingly better behaved within two weeks.  Give it a try.  It's common sense, parent supportive help.  Best of luck to you!!  

P.S.  Have you talked to your pediatrician about your son's behaviors?  

Answer 12

You are not doing anything wrong. I have a two year old son and he is just a like. He has all the energy in the world and thats normal because he is a growing boy. They are going to be hyper and energetic becasue they are little kids. Nothing to worry about. Tantrums normal also have you heard about the terrible 2's and 3's? Yeah thats whats going on i am sure. Kids will be jealous especially when you have a new born because they are used to having all of your attention. Keep doing what you are doing and let him help feed the baby and change clothes and diapers he will come around in the mean time make sure you have your eye on the baby all the time cause jealous toddlers tend to do mean things when the parent isnt looking. My sister poured a whole bottle of powder on my head when i was little because she was jealous of me, so thats what i mean. Relax and only do what you can. Make sure when your husband is home that he takes the baby for a little while so you can play with your 2 yr old. Read some books go get an icecream treat or play with toys let him know that your still there for him. Take turns with your husband so you both have time to spend with him, make sure you ease in to play time with the baby and him so they can get used to each other.  Dont be so hard on yourself. Love your children and be there for them and do as much as you can with them. Things will be fine. Good luck!

Answer 13

This is going to sound horrible but it sounds to me like this boy needs a slap on the bum.  

That said, there is a possibility that he has a legitimate problem or condition beyond bad behaviour.  On that front, I recommend seeing your doctor and explaining the situation to him/her.  

In the mean time....I'd say if he hits and throws tantrums give him a slap.  It doesn't need to be hard or violent, just enough on the hand or bum to startle him and say, "You see?  How do like it when Mommy loses her temper?  Now you go to your room (or where ever his time out place is) until you can settle down and play nicely."  And you've got to be tough and leave him there.

Also when he is being good remember to make a big fuss over him, lots of hugs and kisses, and do not give into his fits and negative demands for attention.  This is just rewarding bad behaviour and that is definitely not the direction you want to go in.

Hopefully this little tid bit will help you through the day but talk to family and friends and your own doctor.  People who actually know your son will be able to give better advice than strangers.

And don't be so hard on yourself.  I think sometimes our biggest mistakes as parents is trying TOO hard to be perfect.  You don't expect others to be perfect so don't expect it of yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 14

Ok - I have a son with autism, and for all the people that are saying your son has autism, I really don't think he does.  Only a doctor could diagnose that anyways, but here is what I think is going on - and no, I don't think its your fault.

I think one of the biggest reasons your son is tantruming is he cannot communicate with you, since he doesn't talk yet.  This is EXTREMELY frustrating for a toddler.  He wants something, needs something, etc - but can't get it across to you.  Once he gains more speech, alot of the tantruming will go away.  It also sounds like he is adjusting to having a new sibling, which is classic for attention getting tantrums.  He's also a boy, and boys need ALOT of energy releasing, exercise, which because of the situation right now, your son is not getting.  All this is leading to a miserable situation for everyone.

As for what you can do in the meantime - if your son is not talking at all yet, and he's almost two, it may be worth having his speech evaluated by Early Intervention (free through the state).  If he qualifies for speech therapy, a therapist will come to your house (again for free) and give him speech therapy.  I guarantee you will notice HUGE differences in your son once he can communicate better.

Your son also needs an outlet for his energy.  Is there any way you could drive your husband to work, drop him off and pick him up, so you have a car?  You could then take your son to a park, indoor gym - anywhere where he can run freely and burn off some energy.  He'll be MUCH calmer at home if he can burn off some of his energy.  I'm not sure where you live, but do you have any kind of a yard he can play in?

My older son (who does not have autism) was the same age as your son when my 2nd baby arrived - and he had NO interest in the baby.  In fact he hated the baby and would often throw toys at him or when I tried to feed the baby.... all cries for attention.

Anyways, bottom line is, while some of his behavior is concerning, and you should talk to your doctor about it... I don't necessarily think (just my opinion) that he has a disorder or anything.  Good luck!!

**EDIT**  yeah, boys and libraries usually don't mix well - especially a high energy boy.  I could never bring my boys to libraries, grocery stores, shopping, etc. at that age as they were animals!  Your son definitely needs a park or indoor gym.  When you heal from your surgery (within a couple of weeks you should be back to normal)  try taking your son to parks or indoor, child friendly gyms where he can RUN and CLIMB until his hearts content.  Try to go during a non-feeding time for the baby so the baby will be content sleeping in a stroller and you can focus on keeping an eye on your son.