What Am I Supposed To Say ...?

Question

I have several relatives who live in other states. I have never been close to them ... I've perhaps formed a closeness to two of them in recent years. Other than that, we don't communicate. Whenever my aunts and uncles come down here, they visit elsewhere. They are my mother's brothers and sisters, but they rarely keep in touch with her.

My biggest problem is one particular aunt; whenever she does call my Mom, inevitably when she asks about me, she calls me diminuitive names ... where's shorty? How's that short girl? Blah, blah, blah! My height has always been my sensitive subject, as everybody has made a big thing out of it all my life! How would they like it if I called them "fatso"? I can't control my height, but they can certainly control their weight! Not only that, but whenever this aunt visited Mama when she was in the hospital, she was all up in my face with her fake smiles and her un-called for jokes about my height and how she's gonna "beat me up"!

Mama's even told her that she can't talk, because her own daughter is just as short as me!

Mama doesn't care to talk to her much on the phone ... this woman is messy, and starts too much trouble! Mama loves her because she's her sister, and she worries about her because she's sick and on the dialysis machine three times a week. But when it comes to business matters, like taking care of burying one of my dead uncle's wife, who died yesterday, Mama's told her that she's out of it ... my aunt caused too much trauma and drama when they buried my oldest uncle last month.

Mama wants me to answer the phone whenever this aunt calls. I can't say no, because Mama is practically bedridden herself and can't handle too much stress. But I get sick thinking about talking to my Mama's sister ... at least, THIS one! Because she talks and talks and talks ... and jokes like we're really close ... and says things that noone but somebody close to me has the right to say ... and asks questions I don't particularly want to answer ... AND ... inevitably ends it with "I love you".

I do NOT feel comfortable talking to this woman! She's messy. I've had nightmares from dealing with her from the time I was really small and Mama was in the hospital. And I don't feel right telling her that I love her back. But the silences get REALly long and uncomfortable!

I wish that my surviving uncles and aunts would treat each other right. My uncle who died last month - my oldest uncle - was the ROCK who held the family together. When he died, that was it! Mama fell apart. Her exact words were, "When all of my brothers and sisters died, he was right there by my side for their funerals ... but now I have to go to HIS funeral, and I can't do it"!

How can I do it? How can I face these people for Mama's sake ... be fake and phony, while all the time knowing that I don't really feel anything for them? I just feel my stomach tied up in knots at the thought!

Mama now has only two brothers and two sisters living. I can only deal with one brother and one sister. But, they are the two that stay out of the mess and just say nothing.

I have to deal with the other two!

It's easier to tell my uncle I love him, even though I don't appreciate some of the things he's done - mostly to disturb Mama and her peace of mind. It's the aunt that's the problem.

Answer 1

If your aunt is the problem, why don't you just finally tell her? I'm sorry if you're tied into a massive and tight knot, but you're just going to have to let it all out. If you feel that it's the wrong time telling your aunt this since your uncle has died, I'm afraid you've got no choice because it was your choice to keep it all in. The more earlier you tell someone the more earlier they have the time to mend about it. And oddly, everytime you keep that secret in, things just start seeming worse some how. So tell her now before it's too late again.

Answer 2

There are times when you just have to grit your teeth and ignore the nonsense just for your mother's sake. You seem to have done that very well so far.

There does come a time, however, when enough is enough. That is the time when you very quietly and politely tell your aunt that if she doesn't stop being such a poisonous reptile, making as much trouble as she can for everyone, including you, then you will damned well tear her hair off, scratch her eyes out, and kick her behind all the way to the next county. If that doesn't shut her up, then do it. A swift hard kick in the guts can, once in a lifetime, solve a multitude of problems.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have let it pile up so long that it feels unbearable. It is very difficult to say something when you have not for so long. But why not try a bit of honesty? Say "please don't call me shortie. It bothers me, and makes me not feel like talking to you." Be careful: she might be so shocked she'd have a heart atttack. But I think a bit of honesty is in order. You don't have to be rude.

And I don't think never talking to her again is really an option, considering your situation.

Take care.

Answer 4

As you said, even ur mother is bed ridden, so its best you help her out and talk to that aunt whenever she calls, whenever she starts talking about stuff you dont like, change the subject and talk about her daughters and things concerning her, so that she can talk and you just have to listen. Take her insults and forget them soon after.

Remember, the only things you have to follow are the ones said by your parents and the ones you trust.

Don't let the aunt get better of you and stick in there.

As the saying goes:

"You must always forgive your enemies, its this that annoys them most"

Stay unfazed and shes the one who will be hurt and not you.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, you can't choose your relatives.  Is it vital to your mom that this ugly aunt stay in touch?  If so, you're probably just going to have to find a way to "grin and bear it."  If your mom says she doesn't care if she never hears from this aunt any more, you can be a bit more blunt (but not totally rude) to her that her phone calls are upsetting to your mom and from now on you're going to have to limit them to only 4 mins. every other week--or some other schedule that you can handle.  When she calls, as soon as you know it is her, start sounding very rushed and very busy and announce that you are very very busy and can't linger on the phone--and don't allow her to start in with the long chats, just cut her off ("Auntie, I'm sorry, I seriously CANNOT stay on the phone right now.  Some other time maybe?!" and hang up) (make sure there is no "other time" that is better for her).  She's probably a very lonely person and knows that your mom (and you) are the only ones who allow her to carry on as she does so she's taking full advantage.  You might want to have a nice long talk with your other aunt and uncle that you do get along with and ask them how to handle that aunt, how to climb out of the "mess" and avoid getting dragged back in--not sure what kind of people they are but if one of my nieces of nephews complainted to me about one of my siblings (their aunt or uncle), I'd confront that sib and tell him/her to lay off my kids, or at least be respectful and considerate.  

Answer 6

I agree with the first answer. Just go up to her about it.