What Can I Do For My Brother While He Is In Prison for 10 years?

Question

Hello. This is hard. My brother has been in and out of jail since he was 17 years old. My mother did not treat him well at all as a child. I tried helping him when he was 16 but he was doing things that were destructive to my apartment and I could not afford him. He would spend time in jail and get out but do something really stupid and get arrested again. It was never for violence but for stealing/robbery. But came you blame someone who has been on paper and they cannot find a job? Society does not make it easy for you to get a job and establish yourself especially now that background checks are the norm. You are constantly judged eventhough you have served your time. It sucks.

My lifestyle is different than my brothers and I do not trust him because his 20's has been filled with nothing but anger, breaking the law, probably he was on drugs, etc. To be honest, I am scared of him and scared to get back involved with him.

He called me one time several years ago and I did not take his call. He left messages like "Pick up the phone. We are family. Is this how you treat family?" I didn't pick up the phone because I knew that whatever he wanted to tell me or ask me would add stress to my life or be some sort of bad news. And physically and mentally, I could not handle any more bad news at the time.

But I guess he called to tell me he was going back to prison as I later found out.

Lastnight, I decided to search online to see if I could find him. And I did. He is in prison for 10 years for robbery. He has been in prison since that phone call I imagine which is nearly 3 years. His first photos look like the brother that I last saw. Young, healthy, and vibrant. Yeah, he looks untrustworthy to me but he looked healthy. The next year's photos, you can see that he looks halfway vibrant but then he looks angry. Really angry.

Then this year's photos, he looks like he has gained some weight, he has aged, he looks sad, really sad, and he looks like a zombie.

And it has only been 3 years....

My first instinct is to go see him, write him, send him some money and open myself up to him. But I have a family that I do not want to expose to him. And I am scared. I also know that prison is changing him but not rehabbing him and I don't know what to expect.

But he probably thinks that noone loves him and I know he doesn't love himself.

I am torn. What should I do?

Answer 1

i really feel for you my brother went into prison for armed robbery and it tore our family to bits. i wanted to see him coz we were really close and my parents washed their hands of him it was awfull. i don't feel that society gives people a chance to rehabilitate themselves back into hard working honest people, they are tarnished by their crime forever and i think that's why the re offend and its really sad. prisoners get used to being intitutionalised and it becomes a way of life. its obvious you really care about your brother so why not write to him tell him what you are feeling and how much all this is hurting you. maybe talk to your parents too then at least you will know how everybody is feeling and you can go from there. i hope you find some kind of resolution. good luck x*x

Answer 2

Blood is thicker than water. Just be there for him as a brother visit if you can. No one in this world is too perfect to end up where he is now. Just don't get caught up in anything illegal. Just be there for him.

Answer 3

I wouldn't send him money, go see him, bring a care package for him, (whatever that may be, ie. even google it) and when you are there, ask him what kind of things he needs. Make it really plain and simple that if he asks for anything "illegal" that the meetings will end. (and that would be IF he asked, don't presume that right away ha ha). Whats 50$ a month to someone that has nothing.

People in prison get caught in monotony, they see the same thing day in and day out, they need change or they as you say get sad and angry. Imagine being locked in your house everyday, EVERYDAY, seeing if not the same people, probably the same people EVERYDAY!.

Go see him, and see him on a 'regular' basis, becuase that'll be something he looks forward to, and he might be able to turn around his life in prison, get a degree (which in many prisons you can), take course, so maybe he can get on parole quicker.

But at the same time, take it slow with him, don't expect him to turn around in one week, or one year even, and there'll be some 'angry moments' with him, but realize where he is, and how you would feel in that situation.

Even if he tells you to never come back again, IMO you should try even then one or two more times afterwards before you give up.

Anyways just some things to think about.

Answer 4

Sorry to sound been there done that, but I have twice once with a brother and once with a son, both times things only got worse so I suggest you put him out of your mind once and for all, save yourself from being used and abused, as it shall happen! Trust Me!

Answer 5

I would write him a letter and explain why you did not take his phone call 3 years ago. Let him know how his actions have affected you. Let him know that you still love him in spite of what he has done. He is your brother, true, but you are not obligated to make his world better. He chose the path that led to where he is. Tough love is tough. I think tougher on those who have to give it. Good luck to you in what you decide to do.

Answer 6

Just because he is your brother does not automatically put him under any obligation of yours. "Blood is thicker than water," that's bs, and anyone who says differently is lonely.

If you truly do love your brother as a person, write him a letter, catching up. Send him a book. But don't feel obligated to save him from his solitude. He does not respect you, based on the way he treated your home and the comment he left on your answering machine.

You did what you could to help him before, and he didn't make the best of it. That's his problem, not yours.

He broke the law and deserves to be there. There are government-run programs to help former cons to get jobs, so that's no excuse to steal.

If you don't need him in your life, you don't need to have him.

But writing a letter won't hurt, seeing as he's in prison.

Best wishes.

Answer 7

First off you can't really blame society for him ending up like that all in all it was his choices to take that road. But now, helping him i'd really help get him rehabilitated, but don't get stuck supporting him help him support himself through education therapist, stuff like that. And of course if/when you do establish contact with him if he seems unsafe just cut connections it isn't worth getting yourself dragged in.