What Do You Say To Someone ?

Question

Well i have a very religious neighbour who know about Thomas having Autism and saying she will pray for him, which is fine ..But what do you say to this lady who also states he needs disciplining more ?

I try to tell her he is 'told off' but i wouldn't hit a child with or without disability's to which she replied 'I am making a rod for my own back'

I am NOT religious at all but i wouldn't be nasty how would you handle this ..

Answer 1

I have found that many people will tell you this, so for those that are shocked you are probably not a parent of a child with an ASD.  For those that are a a parent of a child with ASD then most likely you have experienced this many times over.

What I do, is tell the person that what they are seeing is not behavioral, and is related to the dx, and thanks for the concern but I will continue to follow the top specialists who have invested years of treating him.  

Sometimes I say my son's psychologist has so many credentials that when she signs her name there are 7 lines following it of all her advanced degrees so until you have all those letters behind your name I will continue to follow her advice.

Answer 2

id tell her too mind her own business im fed up of nosey neighbours lately! shes not in your situation so she doesnt know how to handle it and hes your child so you know what works best for him x

Answer 3

Tell her you appreciate the prayers, and explain to her what autism is, give her a pamphlet to read. And keep being the bigger person and ignore her. I have an autistic nephew, and my sister ignores the remarks about punishment, due to their ignorance. Autistic children are extremely special children in my eyes! My nephew is the sweetest person, and his ability for singing and knowing the perfect pitch and tune to a song is amazing!  

Answer 4

I think you should give her a shock by bringing her some information on Autism.  It's very difficult to make an autistic child seem to appreciate the world around them and battering the living daylights out of them is hardly going to make them do this!

What she sees as naughty, is not necessarily the case here, and she needs to be made aware of this.  You obviously are a nice person, because I would have had more to say.  

My son doesn't have Autism or ADD or anything like that, I always thought a smack would be the solution to tantrums and naughty behavior, but I was wrong.  I know now that it is more productive to have a confiscation of toys, and make him aware of why we are doing this - a smack would turn my son into a matyr the likes of whch I couldn't deal with.  

Why not give her a copy of supernanny too?  Then she can see that there are more ways to discipline a child than beating them!

Answer 5

Well I am a Christian and I think this lady is quite rude.

It's not down to her to tell you to discipline your child. She should be more supportive towards you.

I would never hit a child with or without a disability either.

I will pray for HER, and you both

EDIT: just want to add not praying because of the disability - praying that you all get the love and support you need and that she will be more considerate and caring towards you and your Thomas

Answer 6

there are different methods of raising children

i wont like you to hit thomas or anyone of your children and thomas for sure need to trust and love you to the fullest and i think he is a good boy after all ,he just seems to sad even when he smiles because he is lonely and he is in his own world ,

its tough to feel lonely like that let her imagine herself locked in a bubble alone that's what autism means

the only thing i would want to hit my child for ,when he /she hits other children or siblings that's will be the only mistake i wont accept at all

other wise everything can be dealt with punishments and lots of talking ,when we have pets we talk to them and they seem to understand

i think our children deserve better attention and they are responsibility on our necks we will face god with it

add to this

you are a religious person because religion is something make you behave well and take every good/bad thing in life with great spirit which i see in you ,

god bless you

Answer 7

She sounds ignorant of how autism manifests itself and why certain behaviors occur with it.  I think there are many people who still think this way...that it's an issue of lax discipline.  You might take an opportunity to educate her about autism.  If she truly is a Christian in her heart, she will take the time to listen.  Many people just need to be educated in order to open their hearts to other's experiences.  If she understood that Thomas behaves in certain ways because he is overstimulated, etc., she might feel more empathetic with his experience than feel the need to bring out the rod, so to speak.  I'm not autistic, so I don't know how it feels, but I imagine it would feel like constantly being in a bright, noisy, overcrowded shopping mall all day every day.  I'd start "misbehaving", too, if I was constantly in this state.  I've always believed that God has given us autism to slow us down, to humble us, to teach us patience and kindness, and to accept what is before us rather than trying to force things to always be as we like them or expect them to be.  I think disability is God's greatest teacher here on earth.  Now I am waxing philosophical and opening other talking points altogether.  Point being, hopefully with some discussion, your neighbor can reframe her thinking about these things and come to a greater understanding of autism.  If not, it's none of her business anyhow, and her prayers certainly won't hurt.  

Answer 8

as you know, my 9yr old nephew is autistic. we've dealt with this a few times. we ended up carry little cards with the National Autistic Society website address on them.

when someone said 'oh if he was mines he would have had a right good slap by now' we just smiled, gave them a card, and said 'have a nice day'

further to the praying for him, id say 'well thats a really nice gesture, but my son is not ill, he has autism', and again i would direct her to information on autism.

Answer 9

Tell her she needs to work on her not passing judgment! I work with mentally challenged men, some with Autism, and when they have a behavioral issue we use verbal prompts in a positive way, like suggesting a walk or ask if they'd like to talk about what's bothering them. Everything is in a positive light, no negativity in the slightest!

Answer 10

You say, be careful you don't trip over your nose.

Thomas & Kylie are yours and Matt's children, not hers. You raise them how you see fit, she can raise her own. Remind her parenting starts in ones own yard.

Or just karate chop her head off.

Answer 11

Wow she has no right to be telling you how to bring up your son. I understand you dont want to be nasty but just tell her bluntly " I handle my son in my own way, thankyou" think she'll get the message. Good luck hun x

Answer 12

I'm disappointed to hear that you are not a Christian.  I would hope that you would consider accepting Jesus Christ as your Saviour and become a Christian along with your family.  If you have any interest please contact me in order to share with you what is missing from the lives of you and your family.

As for the lady who tells you to discipline more that is more of personal opinion, not religion to determine where the line is drawn.  Since Thomas has autism I am sure that not enough discipline is not the problem for his behavior.

Maybe you can make an agreement with her in which she could research autism and you could learn a bit about her religion.

Answer 13

Where is this Benp answer that every one is talking about. I,ll like to give him or her a piece on my mind too.  

Answer 14

My son also called Thomas has autism and I have had a woman who has said pretty much as what your neighbour has said ,my Thomas needs more discipline. I said instead of praying for him , pray for yourself to help cure your ignorance , and I walked away .  

Answer 15

I cannot believe what Benp has just said! What an insensitive, ignorant prat! As for your neighbour I would tell her to mind her own business and pray for somebody that needs it. I hope everything goes well. x*x

Answer 16

Just say "that's a matter of opinion"

Answer 17

Thomas is YOUR child.  How you bring him up is your business and noone else's.

It seems as if you are doing a pretty good job at the moment.  I was never smacked and I turned out okay. Also, it's a good idea to give her some more info on Autism - if she's willing to listen.

As always, my best wishes go to you and your family.  I know personally it isn't easy living with a child with autism (one of my brothers has it, my parents were told in the 70s to put him in a mental home after he was born! Thankfully they didn't!)  

Answer 18

I would tell her to mind her own business and worry about her own children (if she has any).  How you raise and discipline your children is your business and nobody else's.

Answer 19

Tell her that although you appreciate her religion unless she understands Autism she has no right to comment.  You have a special child with special needs who does not always respond to what you want him to.