What Do You Think About People Who Return Their Adopted Child?

Question

I think they call it 'disruption'

Answer 1

I have a friend who went through this.  Her oldest son was having major issues for many years.  This family is very poor (kind of by choice...my friend would rather be a SAHM and be there for her kids, than to focus on money and leave her kids to a babysitter), and didn't have the resources that more "moneyed" families have.  By the time they were able to get insurance for their son and get some services, they were all beyond the ability to "fix" their family.  Honestly, I can't have an opinion on this until I've been through it.  I can see how it would be absolutely horrible for that child...but at the same time, he needed something his parents couldn't give him.  This child lived for 13 years with an untreated attachment disorder, in a large family where he didn't get the one-on-one attention he needed to recover from his AD.  He showed swift improvement in treatment, and in a foster home where he was the only child.  There are pro's and con's on all sides (my friend, her husband, their other children), and I am no judge of what the best outcome could have been.  I hope I am never faced with that tough decision.  And if I am...I hope I have the courage to make the right choice, no matter what people say.

Edit:  Just to be very, very clear, the "right" thing could be any number of choices.  I don't want to have my words misinterpreted to mean that I hope I have the courage to give my child "back"...what I mean is that if the "right" thing is to stick it out, get my child counseling, get myself counseling, involve a treatment facility, or, again, any number of other choices...no matter what the right choice is, I hope I have the courage to do exactly what needs to be done.

Answer 2

I find that quite apauling. Since when have kids been adopted on a "trial run"?

They are not pets or xmas prezzies you didnt want.

I think that adoptive parents should be 100 percent sure before they adopt. I dont find anything moral in returning a child.

Shocking

Answer 3

they never really loved or wanted kids in the first place or they would have been happy enough to have the child that they adopted.

Answer 4

Well, there are two points to this question.  If these people returned a child, after they adopted him/her they should never be considered as adoptive parents again.

As for the child, it is much better for that poor child to be away from people like that, because they would never have had a happy life, living with those who have such a terrible attitude and outlook on life.

I would never return a puppy after I had adopted it, even if it was the nastiest little thing and was biting etc.

Why are not people like this thoroughly investigated BEFORE they are handed a child.

However, I have also seen situations where the adoption agency did not tell the full background of a child, re the child's behavior,. it's medical history or the emotional state.

If the adoptive parents were lied to, which has happened, and whatever that lie was, related to the child's behavior or health or it's happiness as an adopted child, that is the only reason I could see why there would any excuse whatsoever.

If there was no lie in the adoption, as I said before, these people should never be allowed to adopt again.  What kind of parents would they make with that un-compassionate mind take.

Answer 5

Dang, they can't win for losing,can they?They are horrible for adopting, and horrible for giving the child back!

Answer 6

if they cant take or handle a baby its better to give them back its the best thing to do!~ at least the childs alive and not hurt.

Answer 7

If you are talking about this most recent case then I think they are awful, lowlifes who do not deserve to have children.

I am sorry, but when you walk into a situation, it is best to know all of the situation.

If you thought that the child had problems and issues before this -- then you better watch out now.  Talk about giving a child a complex that they will then have to live down for the rest of their life.

Answer 8

I prefer not to judge someone's situation without knowing all the facts first.

ETA:  one women's story about disruption that's worth reading

http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetail...

Answer 9

Yes, its called a "disrupted adoption."  My father recently adopted two children that went through this.  You said, "who return their adopted child."  That statement it harsh, but bitterly accurate.  The child is returned, like a piece of clothing that doesn't fit well enough.  Now sometimes an adoption is disrupted for a reason and for those families I am sorry.  But for those who simply get over the novelty of their adoption and return their child, I have lost all respect for them.

Answer 10

It's reprehensible. It's better than killing the child, but since when are "returning" a child and killing a child opposites?

Answer 11

First of all, I feel horrible for the child.  As far as a family who disrups, it really does depend on the circumstances.  I know a family right now who hasn't disrupted, but is in the type of situation which can lead to disruption.  They recently adopted a 6 yr. old girl internationally, and already had a 3 year old little boy adopted from the same country.  They are good parents who are educated and really try to meet their children's adoption needs.  They REALLY researched older child adoption and were as prepared as I think anyone can be.  Well, not to get into the gory details, the little girl has RAD and their little boy is in danger of being seriosly hurt  . . . or worse.  The little girl SHOULD NOT have been placed in a family with a young child.  They really thought they had a lot of social information on her ahead of time.  But, it turns out that the little girls foster mother told them (after the adoption was final) that this little girl could not be left alone with younger children, and well, they have found that to be true.  They have not disrupted.  They are going to AMAZING  lengths to meet the needs of both children - 24 hour safety visual ,  alarms on bedroom door at night, etc.  I hope this family does survive, but I really couldn't blame them is they would decide that this little girl belongs in a family with no other young children.  It just breaks my heart to think about what this little girl must have lived through in her young life to be so troubled.  

On the other hand, I just heard today about a family who decided that their newly adopted son's "behavioral issues" were just too much for them and they are putting him into foster care.  The mother in this family is on her 3rd marriage, has biological children by 3 different men and isn't raising all of them, and has 1 adopted daughter.  I, not even really knowing them, see some red flags for the stability of this family.  Why would this family be allowed to adopt an older "special needs" child?  It made me sick to hear about this disruption.

Anyway, here is the website for an agency that does some adoptions of children whose previous placements have been disrupted.  http://www.achildswaiting.com/will   It sounds like a pretty cool thing.  I don't know much about them, but it looks like they really try hard to find families who really be committed to these children and can meet their needs.

eta:  Okay, in all my rambling, I didn't really give my more concise opinion.  Sometimes disruptions are simply because parents feel entitled to some child they've been imaging and the child simply doesn't meet expectations.  In these cases, I feel profound contempt and anger toward the parents.  

In some cases, the ones where I can understand the need for disruption, the parents were lied to about the history and needs of the child and  not given support they need for their child's severe needs.  The behavior of the child is so severe that they wouldn't be parenting the child if the child were their biological child, either.  They would be looking at institutionalization or foster placement in that case, too.  Although, it isn't that simple, because if it were a biological child, raised in a single, stable family from birth, the child wouldn't have such severe problems.

Answer 12

I think that's an awful thing to do.  Imagine how the child must feel.  It's wrong to play with a kids emotions in such a way, whether or not the reason.  If you made a commitment then you should stick to it...especially when a yound kids life is at hand.

Answer 13

It breaks my heart.  I feel it's even worse than when parents kick their natural kids out into the street, because it represents a second or third upheaval for the adoptee.  (I do know some people whose natural parents disowned them, at a young age, for being g*y, and I think this is horrifically wrong.)

Odd that it is considered acceptable for adoptive parents to return a child as if he or she were a defective product, but let a first parent want the child back, even if it's because the adoption was illegal, and all Hades breaks loose.

Answer 14

I think it is a pretty low thing to do.  Hopefully they don't have any real children of there own.  They can't give them back.

Answer 15

I think it is a hurtful selfish thing to do. First of all to become an adoptive parent you have to take training courses in which they "warn" you about problems that children have in the foster care system. It is painful and confusing enough to know that for whatever reason your biological could not or would not care for you. It must be heart wrenching to also deal with the fact that the family you were promised returned you because you weren't good enough. These kids have enough to deal with and being given away twice sends the message that there is something wrong with them. Children who go through this usually develop bonding and attachment disorder and struggle to have healthy relationships for the rest of their lives because the parents who were suppose to love and protect them got frustrated and lazy!

Answer 16

quick story:

about five years ago, i bought a cooper mini.  i thought it was cool and exactly what i wanted.  about two days later, i was not happy with the mileage, the storage space, the blind spots, the fact that i felt like my feet were dragging on the ground... so i returned it.

it's called buyer's remorse.

-------------------------------

ok, less metaphoric:

i was at the orthodontic office with my son last night and read a article about "the dark side of adoption." these were stories about adoptive parents who (under the stress of dealing with the child's special needs) either placed the children in foster care or...killed them.  what pissed me off about this article was how these deplorable acts were diminished as "the children didn't bond well", "their needs were too overwhelming", "the adoption agency misrepresented the severity of the child's needs to the aparents."  

just to give you an example:  one of the mothers featured actually killed her guatamalean adopted daughter for spreading f***s on the wall.  so out of rage, she beat, kicked, dragged the child by the hair and punched her.  she died in her sleep. this "wonderful woman who saved a needy child' is now serving a 19 year sentence in VA. and she still wants to play the victim??? give me a ** break!

guess what, both of my kids have spread f***s on themselves and ME!. my daughter has stripped butt naked in the grocery store. yet for some reason, i didn't snap and beat the S**t out of them or wish to return them to their sender...  

disruption is just a fancy term for "i didn't get the cute little gerber baby i fantasized about. and i suck as a parent!"

Answer 17

My husband has a friend who adopted 4 children.  All of them were in foster care and a little older when adopted.  This man and his wife have been though a lot of difficulty with the kids.  One of the boys molested one of the girls.  One of their daughters moved in with her much older boyfriend.  There have been all sorts of difficult, violent and disruptive behaviours.  Because of this, they have paid loads of money for therapy, including residential treatment for their son who molested their daughter.  This son has now returned home, continues outpatient treatment, and there has been no repeat of such behaviour.  

The mom had to quit her job in order to stay at home so she would have more time to work with their kids.  Because her job paid well, it did turn out to be a financial loss for them.

Through all of this, they have never considered returning their children.  They do not think of them as their "adopted children."  They think of them as their children, period.  They wouldn't give up their bio kids because of these problems.  They would get them whatever help they needed.  So, why would it be okay to treat their adopted children with any less commitment?

These parents avail themselves of all of the services they can.  They are not eligible for any kind of financial assistance to pay for these services, outside of what medical insurance covers.  It's been a very rough road, but they love their kids and sacrifice for them like parents normally do.

Answer 18

I think that something you have to consider here is the behavioral issues that come along with adopting. I adopted my sister at age 10 not realizing how she would behave. I have 2 children of my own who I didn't realize would be affected by her attitude and her acting out. I think that the details need to be more specific. If you adopt a child who has been molested and that is all the child knows and molest your biological child you just suck it up and deal with it?? No..if you marry a man who is wonderful and molest your child you don't divorce him...you'd be a fool not to. I think people judge too quickly and often put their nose where it doesn't belong. If a family can't handle the responsibility then it's the mature thing to do to relinquish your rights where the child can find a loving home because if you don't want a child there they will suffer emotional abuse and know they aren't wanted.

Answer 19

Wisdom rather than abuse!

Answer 20

I think somethingwent seriously wrong when trying to match the child with the family.  ALso perhaps they should really think about having another child, because if they were their birth children you cant send them back can you.  Children arent perfect.

Answer 21

You know what bothers me about this? I didn't get to send my son who is Autistic back! (Not that I ever would, he is the perfect child for me! Natural parents don't get to take the babies they give birth to back to where they "came from", there are no "trial runs" and my gods what about the aparents who give a child back after years of being the childs parents? (yeah there are cases of that,  there was one in the news not very long ago and now that child is in Limbo because they could not be returned to their country of origin and the child was not a citizen of the country she was adopted in!) This makes me just ill and angry!

Answer 22

giving back the children hurts them even more, they shouldn't have adopted in the first place and thats why there needs to be more education on the truths to adopting children ahead of time, and better screening.

Answer 23

I think it is sad. But as with all things if you don't know the reasons ( which some have very valid ones) you really can't judge them. I guess in some ways it is no different than a bio parent realizing that they are not ready or prepared to be parents. As with anything you can't judge unless you are in their shoes.

Answer 24

2 words:

SICK  and   SAD

Answer 25

Doesn't the mere thought of returning your child seem absurd? Biological parents very RARELY consider terminating or abdicating their parental role.  Yet, a higher percentage of adoptive parents are willing to 'reconsider' their 'commitment' and "return" their (adopted) child.  

Just as adoptees sometimes end up in an abusive home, so do adoptive parents have a chance of getting a 'special needs' child, even (or especially) when they adopt an infant.  No one can predict what problems a child may develop.  

Can it be that the some of the very issues adoptees are pointing to and some AP's or adoption pro's want to deny is that adoption brings with it some inherent challenges?  Can this be the result, at least partially, of unethical adoption practices?  When adoptive parents aren't fully informed about, and therefore cannot be fully prepared for the challenges of parenting adopted children.  

I am reminded of a recent program called "Siberian Adoption Story".  The parents flew 35,000 miles to get an "American looking" infant (a.mom's words).  When the infant, about 15 months old, was first handed to her 'new mommy', she cried & when returned to the orphanage care provider, stopped crying.  Her 'new parents' displayed an absolute lack of  awareness about or concern for this child's distress.  They seemed completely unaware of the high probability of the child having an attachment disorder.  

A very real possibility for children from orphanages.  And a disorder that can range from mild to very severe.  Children are amazingly resilient. Many of the symptoms of attachment disorder mask a child's intense inability to trust or bond or form relationships. Survival provides strong motivation. Some kids who suffer from RAD can seem very compliant, while others act out.  

The a.parent's voiced more concern about the fact that they'd sold their home & spent $35K. A.mom's exact words, "We don't want to spend $35K on a baby that turns against us. And 15 years from now says (thumbing nose) 'you're not my real mom. That's my mom. I'm want to go find her'."

I pray for that little girl's well being!