What Do You Think Of My Poem Please?

Question

Title---You Only Say You Love Me When You're Drunk

Sober for three long days but it'd never last

Another liqueur binge he'll stumble into.

He'll walk pass her another time with hollow eyes

Words leaking from the corners of his mouth,

In a sober state he throws vicious words and shoot daggers of hatred from his eyes.

Her shield is up but they wiggle through cracks and leave burns upon her heart tearing her down piece by piece.

With a bottle to his lips his sober thoughts turn to drunken words

Vodka shots of alcoholic truth serums cause loose inhibitions.

It is not done yet and i wrote it for a contest that gave me the title as a prompt.

Answer 1

Woo!

thats really good,

i like how you use HE instead of the name of someone, it gives a real effect, keep going its great, talk about a bit of hos personality now or what he likes to do

hope it helps

Answer 2

So far very good and truthful.. will you post when it is finished? It seems more like a story but keep the feelings flowing and it will improve with work..

Answer 3

i like it so far keep going i want 2 see where this poem goes:)

Answer 4

i really liked it pls do more,pls umm can you see mine and comment pls

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

^thanks