What Do You Think Of My Poem So Far ?

Question

Its not complete I'm writing it for a word bank contest

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4496519

Another broken music box skips a beat.

Whispers of sin crowd the room, while mist lays upon her skin.

China doll features cracked to the bone.

Blood leaks from corners of her tweaked mouth.

Dancing around in a circle, Such a pretty little ballerina.

Trapped inside a distorted reality.

Looking upon a darken sky a wish she makes.

Not to be real but to be able to feel.

To feel a bruise form beneath her skin.

To feel a kiss upon her cheek in all its ecstasy.

So far its called"Music Box" can you help me with a title ?

Please write more then one sentence.

Answer 1

My suggestions"

Change mist to dust, it makes more sense

And perhaps rephrase such a pretty little.

Really down plays your ability at vocabulary.

I like it so far. And as a title I suggest, Broken Music Box. But I'm sure if I thought more on it, I'd be able to come up with something better. Stay Strong

Answer 2

How about calling it "China Doll"?

I like the poem very much however I feel the last sentence you have doesn't really fit together with the rest I would leave it as "To feel a kiss upon her cheek"

As for a last sentence how does "To touch with her hands so weak" sound?

Good luck and keep writing.

Best Wishes

Answer 3

I'd like something along the lines of:

-Cracked China

-Bruised China Doll

Just ideas...

Answer 4

Never wanting more than to be loved by the people around her,

yet her surroundings were filled with uncaring, cold eyes