What Do You Think Of My Story So Far????

Question

ok, im 13 and love to read and write. i just finished reading the Twilight series. My teachers and family think im rally good at writing, so i decided to write my own vampire story. The plot is- a girl, her mom, and step dad move to Maine. The girl gets bitten by a vampire, turns, and gets swept into this strange new world. then she falls inove whith amortal boy. Heres the story- “ Bailey!, Hurry up!“ “ Aaaaarrrggggghhh! “ Thump! I jumped at the sound of my mothers voice, causing me to fall out of my nice warm steamy shower and onto the cold tile of the bathroom. A sudden shock went through my whole body at the sudden temperature change and I was covered entirely in goosebumps. I quickly scrambled to turn the water off before I flooded the whole house, and called,

“God mom ,I’m coming! Do you want me to kill myself?” I heard a muffled giggle. “No, but hurry up, I want to be back in time to make blueberry pie!” I rolled my eyes. My mom and step-dad decided they wanted a change from good ol’e sunny Florida, and moved to Maine, dragging me along with them. Now ever since my mom heard about the nearby blueberry farm, she has been bugging me non-stop to go with her, and I finally gave in. I wrapped myself in a towel and walked sluggishly to my room. I peeked out my window the rain had cleared up mostly, but the sky was still a dreary gray and the angry clouds thundered noisily as in warning.

My three cats, Bud Pinky, and Loki, were all snuggled together on my bed. Loki opened one sleepy eye to see who had entered, and when he saw it was me he yawned and went back to sleep.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb your rest, you royal highnesses.”

I scrambled through my drawers until I found a pair of dark jeans, a dark blue tank top, and a cream hoodie. I walked back to the bathroom and began to blowdry my long auburn hair .As I brushed it out, I noticed that my hair now hung past my hips, but my stupid side bangs that I just had to have had not moved an inch. I sighed in annoyment as I took out makeup. I quickly slapped on some foundation and put some mascara on my long eyelashes that hung over my sage green eyes. I stuffed my cell phone in my pocket and ran down the stairs.

“ Now I’m ready.”

“Finally! d**n you take such a longtime.” Mom rolled her dark brown eyes at me. “Ok, well lets go. Bye Honey! We’ll be back soon.”

“Shush! The games on! Oh, bye. Have fun love you.” My step dad grumbled. Whenever his baseball game is on, he would block out the entire world.

We stepped out into the cold autumn air, Mom shivered and pulled on her black windbreaker. I jumped into our mint green jeep as she scrambled through her purse looking for her keys. I attempted not to laugh at the stupid face that she was making, but failed miserably. Her eyes crossed slightly and her tongue stuck out like a stubborn 5 year old’s. I let out a snort, and she looked up confused. “ Bailey! How old are you?”

“ 7……”., She rolled her eyes at me. “Ok!, Im 14 ok! Gosh, why do you have to make fun of my age all the time! You know how I feel about getting old!” I pretended to burst out in tears as she started the car.

“Bailey….. have you been getting into the vodka again?”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. “Oh shut up mom. Haha” We continued our stupid little game the whole ride to the farm. As we began walking up to the little farm house itstarted to sprinkle lightly.

“Awww man..” my mom looked very disappointed.

“Oh come on mom, it’s just rain. Its not even pouring. Cheer up. Grumpy.”

The kind looking lady smiled up at us as we walked in to the doors of the farm house. There were all kinds of different homemade treats along the =walls.

“Hello dears, are you coming to pick some of the blueberries?, or would you like to buy some of my muffins?

“We’ll be picking today thanks. But maybe we will come back later for some of those muffins. They look delicious.” Mom smiled as the woman handed her two baskets.

“have a good time, please come in later for a cup of hot chocolate, on me.” We waved goodbye as we walked out the doors.

“ok, lets get picking!” I threw Mom one of the baskets and ran towards the millions of rows of blueberry bushes.

CHAPTER 2

We had been picking for a hour, and my arm felt like it was going to fall off from the weight of the basket. Mom was two rows down still managing to be enthusiastic about blueberries.

“Mom!”

“ya?!”

“Im goiung to sit down for a while, you can keep on going, if I cant find you I will call you.”

“ok, I’ll just be over here!”

I sat down resting my head on the bush. Ihad my basket im my lap, and was eating blueberries from it. I just sat there for about 15 minutes kind of out f it.

Then, I couldn’t here my mom humming along to her favorite song. I couldn’t here all of the childrens shrieks of glee as they bombarded eachother with blueberries. It was quiet, I couldn’t even here they millions of birds as

Answer 1

This may not be what you want to hear, but I always give honest answers.

You may want to go back and edit, edit and edit some more.

There is no such word as 'annoyment'.  And it should be 'hear' and not 'here'.  There are also a lot of other spelling and grammatical errors.

There is no character development.  We don't need to know what colors their eyes, hair or clothes are.  We need to know what their dreams and fears are.

You spent an entire chapter talking about blueberries, cats and colors.  This is boring, to be honest.

You have to hook a reader with your first sentence or at least paragraph.

You are still young and if you keep practicing, you will get better and better.  Don't give up.  Research some writers blogs.  They have a lot of good advice.

BTW, age has nothing to do with it.  I have read stories written by 12 and 13 year olds that were excellent.

Answer 2

Thats really good!

I want to read the next part!!!

Answer 3

i think you are progressing in a writing career maybe.

this is a very structured story for your age.

Nice use of grammar, and adjectives.

might want to slow down on the typing though because there are a lot of spelling mistakes.

Answer 4

its great keep going girl friend  

Answer 5

Ah, young teen angst. You'll find your place in the sun. Oh, and mother really does know best; blueberries are very high in antioxidants.