What Is The Best Joke You Know?

Question

No rude ones please!

Answer 1

how can u be a tomb boy and NOT like rude??

Answer 2

An Englishmans car breaks down in Scotland,

As he lifts his Bonnet a Scotsman walks up to the car and starts to look at the engine and fiddle with the wires,

The Englishman asks "Are you a mechanic?"

"No" Replied the Scotsman

"I'm a McTavish"  

Answer 3

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Answer 4

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of the season" Saint Peter said, " you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day"

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. " It represents a holy candle," he said. " You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. " What have these got to do with Christmas?" Saint Peter asked. The Irishman replied, "They're Carols"

Answer 5

What Bee supplies milk?

A boobie!

What key opens all locks?

A pikey!

All i can remember =/

x*x

Answer 6

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc... is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Answer 7

did you hear about the scarecrow that got premoted?.............he was out standing in his field.

Answer 8

Knock Knock

Ans:- who's there

Doctor

Ans:- Doctor Who

Well sorry but you said No rude ones

Answer 9

this is not THAT rude, sorry if you think it is though.....

BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE!

Before Marriage

John - Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!

Jane - Do you want me to leave?

John - NO! Don't even think about it.

Jane - Do you love me?

John - Of course! Always have and always will!

Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?

John - NO! Why are you even asking?

Jane - Will you kiss me?

John - Every chance I get!

Jane - Will you hit me?

John - h**l no! Are you crazy?!

Jane - Can I trust you?

John - Yes

Jane - Darling!

read it from the end to the top to see what it's really like after marriage.

Answer 10

a mushroom walked into a pub, sat down next to a pretty girl, and asked if she would like a drink with him.

she politely declined 'oh come on' said the mushroom 'I'm a fungi'

LOL x

Answer 11

what's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?, you can unscrew a light bulb.

Answer 12

that ones good ^^^

lol

Answer 13

I like kids.

I can't eat a whole one though.