What Steps do Adopters Take to Ensure the Adoption is Ethical?

Question

What Steps do Adopters Take to Ensure the Adoption is Ethical?

Answer 1

I don't know what they do now...?  What my a'parents did in the 60s was adopt through the state of SC.  That meant that my first mother had already legally relinquished me, and I was a ward of the state until the adoption finalized.  I still think it's a good idea.  

Counterexample:  I once met a girl on-line who asked if I could help her search.  I couldn't, because she was a black-market baby who was literally handed to her a'parents in a parking lot in the middle of the night.

Answer 2

To be honest, I'm not sure we made a great choice the first time around. I don't think our agency was coercing women out of their children, but I think their primary focus was on their "number of completed adoptions" rather than making sure that parents or children were getting what they needed. They were definitely an "all you need is love," "blank slate" sort of agency.

I think we made a much better choice the second time around. We asked a lot of questions, tough questions, before choosing an agency. The agency we chose had a very thorough prospective parent education program that included things like the trauma caused by a baby being separated from his mother, opinion pieces (not always rosy) written by adult international adoptees, the importance of maintaining cultural ties, etc. The agency also requires psychological testing for potential parents and requires in-depth personal interviews above and beyond those required for the homestudy. They have a full-time social worker dedicated to helping families address, or find resources to address, any post-adoption issues that arise. They want the families to be educated about, prepared for and able to address any adoption-related issues their children might face. They are definitely *not* a "blank slate" agency. And, I felt that we were given a reasonable accounting of where our fees were going.

I still think things can be done better, fees should be lower, more should be done to keep families together, etc... But overall, I think agency #2 was trying to do things the right way.

Answer 3

Wow - almost dead silence.  I guess that most adoptive parents don't have a clue what you are talking about.  Where are all the folks foaming at the mouth about the "antis" who dare to "ruin" adoption by pointing out "gasp" - ethics?

Thanks for the question.  Gave me a good laugh!!

Answer 4

i would say, make sure that the potential birth mother (a mother is not a birthmother until relinquishment) is on board with the decision.  also make sure that the potential birth dad is likewise on board.  many agencies try to get the young woman to say that the dad isn't in the picture or is abusive, which makes it easy to continue the adoption without his consent.  i'm not saying that all agencies are bad, but you have to be aware that many young women are not making the choice of their own free will. yet parents, and society's view of young unwed and poor mothers are making the choice for them. if there is even an shadow of doubt that she is resolved in making an adoption plan, stop.

although the adoption process is long and painful sometimes, there are three sides to this story... in my opinion, only that of the aparents gets told the most .  the birthmothers/fathers are usually marginalized and reduced to "breeders" and the adoptee's need for identity is considered disrespectful to his/her "real parents."

i would say, wait for a young woman to seek you out, listen to her cues, don't give lots of gifts or pretend to "care", allow her to make her decision after birth (the birth experience should be private for her, since it is her body that's exposed and her baby that's being surrendered) and always except that she might change her mind.

realize that all the "she will get over it and go on with her life" banter that's purported by adoption agencies is not always the truth.  many bmoms suffer for years.

Answer 5

Hire an attorney?

Answer 6

We utilized an adoption agency which is licensed by our state.  The agency visited our home twice before the baby was placed with us and three times after.  The birth mother found us through networking.  The birth mother, her mother and a social worker were present when the birth mother signed the adoption papers, my wife and I were not.

The birth mother said she does not know who the birth father is, he was a one-night stand.  Not sure what else to do, we only know what she tells us.  We have been in contact with phone calls, letters and pictures since the adoption.  We have talked about meeting in person.  For now, both sides are not quite ready.

Answer 7

We adopted internationally and we chose a country (Taiwan) whose financial, legal, and social policies were ones that we were comfortable with.  The country actually does few international adoptions - as many children as possible are adopted domestically, but there is a stigma against adoption there, so some orphans do need homes abroad.  Judges there like to try to keep biological families together and only approve an international adoption when that is really the only alternative - This is situation in which the fascilitator is not marketing to birthmothers or to U.S. agencies because the number of available children is the number of available children, period, and it is small.   We knew our child's birthmother could decide to parent all the way through the court process and then would have a 10 day grace period even after the adoption had been ruled on.  We also knew that we would get a lot of birthfamily information and have a semi-open adoption, which is a rare opportunity in international adoption.  

I truly hope your question is sincere and you actually want to see adoptive parents taking responsibility for adopting ethically.  I am weary of defending my parenthood and wish my daughter didn't have to live in a society where the validity of her family was constantly questioned.  It is not good for her or for us or for her birthparents who do not want her to endure any more hardship than she has already had to.  But, I am answering this because I truly do want you to know that there are many adoptive parents who do take responsibility and I hope that provides you with some sense of hope.

Answer 8

Make sure both birth mother and father are on board with this . Just don't take the word of the birth mother for if she decides she doesn't want the baby she might have not told the father and she might not want to tell him. Don't beleive evrything she says about the birth father she might not want to pay child support to him if he wants the baby. This has happened to my family where my son is the birth father and has been fighting for his son return, He also has a daughter from the same woman and they were together for 3 years and that is why she gave the baby up so she wouldn't have to lose some of her child support on their daughter. the couple who has my grandson can never adopt him and shawn will never stop fighting or going to see his son. Do you want to be like a divorce couple and share a child with another man. If not make sure both parents give up the baby.