What Will It Be Like Please Help! Important!?

Question

I am working on adopting a 14yr girl who and was abused by both her parents, in every way possible. She actually ended up in the hospital because of the abuse. Anyway while she was there they found out she has cancer. So she has been in the hospital for the past 4 months and I have been with her 24/7 and she is attached to me. Actually very clingy. Anyway she has met my other 2 daughters 22 and 27yrs and my husband and my mother. She is taking to them OK, she isn't too scared of them. But I was wondering what it will be like for, me, her, and my family when she comes home. She has problems with me leaving her alone, she has an eating disorder, she can't sleep by herself, and I think she is still a cutter, plus because of the abuse at home she is afraid of people, everyone but me and if I'm not there she gets very scared. What will it be like for me and her once she gets home? What are something that I can do to make her feel more at home, comfortable and to help her feel safe at home?

Answer 1

[purely personal opinion]

She needs to feel that she is part of the family, and not just a part of you. When she comes, involve her in daily activities, like small household chores, just like the others. Plan a family get away, and try to slip off slowly, leaving her with the others, so that she can get used to them. Assure her she is as safe with you, as with your family. Take her to the park, cinema, shopping and other crowded places to waive her fear of people. If you belong to some religion, take her to church too. Take her to some activities that she loves, or would like to do, like swimming, etc.  Encourage her to get friends when she goes to school. Try to have other subjects to talk about, other than about her past. Encourage your family to talk to her, so as to break any barriers. Otherwise, seek proffessional help.

Answer 2

if you were her and you found someone you loved like she does you wouldent you want them to adopt you? Everyone deserve a good home and you could give it to her.

Answer 3

I have no personal experience, but I would just take it very slowly.  Let her cling to you to begin with until she's able to see that she's safe with you and then she should begin to build up her confidence when she see's that the people around you are kind as well.  I'm sure that social services will also give you help and support settling her in.

All the very best for the future, she's very lucky to have found you.

Answer 4

What a caring person you are...

Firstly she will need lots of love and reassurance that you will not let her down, to be told she is safe and now away from harm.

Her self esteem and confidence will need constantly boosting, and through, love support and praise this can be achieved.

You will have to be prepared to dedicate your time, energy and love and commitment to her until the scars she has suffered begin to ease.

Nothing material will make her feel comfortable, just you and your families support and love and understanding.

I wish you and your new girl all the best for your future which i am sure will be great x

Answer 5

well. she will be happy if you let her decorate her room. make her favorite lunch everynow and then. take her shopping with you. you will probably feel like a mother again. let her know its okay to love again. and your there for her. give her a cell phone. things she probably never had or did. your asking cause your obvioulsy care for her. so i know you will be great for her. congrats. good luck!

Answer 6

At the beginning I'm sure that the transition for her won't be a walk in the park, but it will also be comforting to be in a place that she feels more safe in. This does not mean that she will feel completely 'at home' right away, but because she knows you and (I am assuming) trusts you, I think that she will adjust well. Over time her other problems will work themselves out, but being an adoptive parent means that you are going to have to be really observant of her and make sure that if there is anything that is making her feel uncomfortable that she is helped. It will all be ok, and I greatly admire what you are doing for her! Our world would be much better with more generous people like you in it!

Answer 7

You will be taking on a huge responsibility and life will be extremely tough.  I admire you greatly for trying to help this girl.  Sorry I can't offer any advice but hope things work out Ok for you.

Answer 8

I think a puppy is a fabulous idea.

Please get her a German Shepherd, she'll feel so safe.

Your other children are grown, and she'll have all your attention-she'll be great after a while.

Answer 9

Every child is different. With her history, there are no guarantee what it will be like. There will be some good times and some bad times. She will need a lot of support. She is going to have trust issues for a while. Start therapy right away, with her alone, and the family. Really think about this because she needs someone that can be there no matter what. There's a lot of things to get use to, and a long road to recover. She will never completely heal from the damage that her parents caused. I am not sure if you and your family are Christians, but a good christian environment would be very good for you, your family, and her. They can offer a lot of needed support. It will be rough in the beginning, but if you really want this to work you will have to have faith, be patient, give her lots of love, and have support. Blessings, and best wishes

Answer 10

Just treat her the same as you have with your other daughters.

I think what you're doing is great, lets hope her parents rot in h**l.

Answer 11

Darlin, it is mandatory that the hospital inform child services about this.....this is awful....you need to help her by contacting child services over this matter and state that you would like for her to be in your care while investigations are being made on her parents...

TWO FACE...everyone deserves a good home....brand new or broken.....have a heart!!!!

Answer 12

Wow- thats alot of stuff for you there- I hope it works out ok!

I dont have any experience in adoption, nor personal experience of abuse, but I do have personal experience of eating disorders, and through friends of self harm and sexual abuse.

I can only advise you to take it slowly, let your adoptee know you are there for her want to help, but have not got all the answers, you cannot read her mind, though if she asks, you are more than happy to do what you can to help.You can only be there for her,you cant wash away her pain or magic away her problems as much as you may want to. -please remember this.

An eating disorder, and self harm, are both ways not only for the sufferer to have an outlet of pain, but serves the purpose of letting others know they are not ok, this is why it is vital you get her to talk as oppose to act, it only takes one action out of too much bottled up anger, and the consiquences can be devastating.

Take time with her, this is all you can do, take things step by step, day by day, but try also to look out for the thin line which separates love and smothering. She will have her own personality- if its not already showing it can still come out! The times she has on her own are the times she is with herself, growing and developing her own sense of self and her own personality, it is vital she learns to do this or she will be existing for you, breathing for you, and if a situation happens where you cannot be with her, she will be feeling left not ok or scared or angry or whatever, if she is new to these feelings and overwhelmed by them, again, its a perfect recipy for disaster, its better to have breathers where she can slowly build up her tollerance rather than have something happen all of a sudden.

Try to get her to develop her own world, this is what is helping me with not surviving on an eating disorder, its no quick fix -I've been on and off trying to push myself into society as opposing to hiding under the facade of an eating disorder for years and I am still trying!

But at the end of the day, its the only thing which is going to break the self destructive cycle and desire to anialate myself and diet myself into oblivion, its bout finding a purpose to live for- but making sure that purpose is not someone or something else (again as I mentioned, the dependancy can be a hazard if the thing you are relying on disappears for a while, you/I/she needs to live for yourself rather than someone else).

You need to get her to a stage where she can develop her own sense of self and self esteem, belief in who she is and that she can cope- without cutting or messing with food.

It seems like a tall order, it is. But dont look at the bigger picture too much, just concerntrate on the here and now, what you can offer is time and hopefully security. From this, ist should be enough to help her to grow.

For yourself, make sure you have some support- a mento or a careres group. I dont just mean friends and family- you need someone or some people who are not emotionally attatched and who have some experience, I know you can find eating disorders carers groups through the eating disorders association which you can get the address for via google, but as for adoption and self harm, I dont know.

Good luck- and one last thing, you may find that the eating disorder tries your patience, please take a time out or walk away at this point, this is something I have learnt from meetning many many people who have many different e.ds, Sometimes things are meant to get a reaction from you, sometimes to act as another form of self destruction- you could be adding to the yelling she is alreadyy doing to herself in her own mind, or could be cos shes angry at you and wants you to feel bad also, or because she wants attention from you. Just walk away, wait for her to VERBALISE whats going on as oppose to bringing it up for her.

Answer 13

There's no doubt that things will be extremely difficult for you, your family, and your new daughter. She's gone through a horrible time, and has every right to not trust people. Just always fill your home with love. Therapy may help, but don't pressure her into it. If she is dead set against going, don't make her. It'll make things worse. If she really doesn't want to go to a psychiatrist, maybe you could do "home thereapy", so to speak. Give her a journal to write down her thoughts, secrets, desires, fears, etc. Every week, sit down with her to go through the entries she has made over the last week. Talk to her about each one. What was she feeling when she wrote this? How does she feel now about it? How can you work toward helping making her feel better about it? As far as her cutting goes, I reccomend not trusting her alone with anything truly sharp. Even if it means not letting her even shave, or cut her own food for a while. But, as I said before, fill your home with love, compassion, trust, and fun. She's a scared girl, and until she learns she can trust you, and the people around her, she won't open up.

Good luck to you, your family, and your new daughter.

=]

Answer 14

I'm not going to lie i'm sure it will be stressful at first. But u need to make sure that u do your best to provide every kind of support possible for her. A therapist, community after school programs, pet therapy if possible. All these things. And do not leave her alone, at least until she adjust. She needs reliability right now and if she has taken to u like u describe all will work out in the end. As long as u continue to seek support from others.

Answer 15

Take it one step at a time.Be prepared to listen to her when she needs you.Leave her alone when she needs space and most of all make it clear that bad things happen to nice people.You cannot erase the past but you can leave it behind.

Its a new beginning for both of you.

Answer 16

I AM SORRY TO HERE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS THAT THIS YOUNG GIRL HAS GONE THU RE AND I AM PLEASED THAT SHE HAS FOUND SOME ONE THAT REALLY CARES FOR HER  GOOD LUCK  AND GOD-BLESS

Answer 17

Ask her counselor before thinking about a puppy.

Answer 18

Im a 13 year old girl so coming from me, i think you should consider buying her a little puppy, so she can watch it grow, and care for it, and at the end of each day, know she has done something good for herself.

I think, you should make the most of adopting her, and please her with what she needs, and wants, such as the internet, to chat to friends once she regains trust in people, Making her bedroom cosy, and warm, and VERY colourfull!

I love having nice warm milos on cold days, so maybe she would too.

I also like going op shopping and motorbike riding, so trying to get her into an exciting hobby, can be very interesting to watch.

Having friends over can be really awesome! so maybe a few friends over every now and then, and birthday parties are the best!

Thanks!!

Answer 19

Just take one step at a time, one thing that cn help when her first comes into the home is to decorate her bedroom how she wants it, it may sound simple but it gives them a sense of control.  You have a long road ahead and you will have a lot of highs and many lows.  

First thing is to make her feel secure at home it is going to take time for her to trust other people but you may need to take a step back so that you don't become her whole world.

You are doing a great thing and i am sure that you will be fine, everything takes time.

Answer 20

well congrats for adopting .  you sound like a great mom.   She needs TLC things will be hard but take it slow and steady .  Each day hopefully she will feel more comfortable with your family. Jst love her the best way you know how.

Answer 21

Honestly because of the abuse it will take time. Sadly eating disorders and cutting are normal for many of us who end up in the system because of abuse. I am speaking from personal experiance here so that it might help you understand a bit better. I can't understand what it would be like to go through all of that and then find out I have cancer as well but the rest I do understand so here are a few things to keep in mind.

Finding a home where she can be at ease and comfortable will take time. She is attached to you but the fact that others scare her is normal. To this day I still jump easily and find myself running to hide if someone comes to the door. I live in my own and I hide in my own home. This is because it is the reaction that was pounded into me from a young age. It comes from finding the world is not safe and that people who were supose to love you have betrayed you and caused you harm. Fear will probably be her first reaction to most things and it will be that way for awhile.

If she stays quite and to herself don't be alarmed. She needs to get use to social interaction that wont cause her harm. In her life she has found people to be unworthy of trust. They have hurt her in more ways then one. Which brings me to why so many of us end up with eating disorders or end up causeing self harm. There are wounds that run deep. Nightmares that haunt us while we sleep brining up memories that we wish we could block out. If you are told from a young age that you are ugly, foul, a waste of time, an accident, that they wished you had never come along to ruin their lives you will look into the mirror and see just that. You will see someone who is not worth the time or effort. You will wonder why you should bother and then you will start to create flaws that may not even exist. To improve on the imperfections you stop eating so that you can at least have control of something in your life. So that you can start to look better. That is the thought anyways even if it is not truth. It is how it seems. The cutting comes from a darker place. It comes from the pain. It is a way to let it out. A way to keep yourself from going insane. It is another form of control.

It takes time but if you are there for her and help her see that she is loved and that she is not alone. You can help to repair the damage. Some kids never have someone come into their lives who care. Some kids are always alone and feel they will always be alone. Which is why many abused children also end up as drop outs and have children at young ages as well.

Sorry. Really just be patient. Give her time. She may want to stay to herself or just with you to begin with and if she does don't worry. It is normal. Because like I said, it is hard to trust anyone or let to many people get close when all you have known is pain. I hope that helps to answer the question a bit. It is always hard to say to much because each experiance is diffrent however I know what it was like for me. I just hope that some of the emotions that I felt as a child can help you make your future daughter more comfortable and that it helps put you at ease as well. Good luck and God Bless. More people are needed like you.

Answer 22

wow... she's 14 and she's been abused for a very long time.  that's a lot of psychological damage.  umm, I don't really know how to help you, but I might suggest looking for a psychology book to at least explain the situation.  And I mean like one of those text books that schools use, not just a magazine.  Don't have to buy, probably just go to places like Barnes and Nobles to look it up when you have time.  

Usually those books go over certain disorders, psycohlogical problems, but also tend to give or explain how they can be treated these days.  so for her eating disorder, right now, i'm assuming she won't eat much is that right?  if she's been treated with chemotherapy for the cancer, that's probably why because it makes the patient sick, especially when they eat.  so her body will reject food to avoid feeling nauseous.  

I don't remember much from psychology, but in a sense, she's been primed to react the way she does.  

as for when you're not there and she gets scared, just let her know where you'll be, and when you'll come back to see her.  

other than that, call up a psychologist and explain the situation, and see what he/she says.  

hope this helps.

Answer 23

I would see if there can be counseling set up for you to take her to. My heart brakes for her and applauds you for helping her!!  She will need the counseling to deal with all she has been through and I really think it will take a professional for her to recover from what has happened to her. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 24

I really think you are doing a Godly service and God richly bless you for this,but its not going to be busy,especially if you are working,how will she cope when you are away at work,this is not to discourage you but to let you know with time,she might come to trust  the rest of your family most for you to be able to leave her when you want to go out or want some time for yourself.good luck

Answer 25

hmmm, there is no easy answer. Get her something she can become close to, that can be in her room with her. Chances are she won't want to be around people and she's going to need something she can feel comfortable with in case she's too afraid to come out of her room. When she comes home, show her her room, ask her if she needs anything, then leave. Let her be for a while to get situated and give her time to realize she is okay. Later that day when its dinner time, ask her if she wants to join you and watch a movie or have a traditional sitting at the table to talk about things. But the way you say it make sure it doesn't seem you are implying you want to talk about her past. Don't ask about her past, the closer she gets, the more she'll tell you. If she wants to tell you, she will. But still let her know you care and if she ever needs to talk about anything she can always come to you. If she seems far from outgoing and doesn't want to do anything, chances are she is nervous, so just give her time. But if she seems pretty okay to do things, ask her to go out and do something, even if its as simple as going to the grocery store. Let her feel included, loved, and safe. Oh and never come in her room without announcing, if she's sleepin then knock. She might wonder why you didn't announce and might wonder wh at could have happened if she was asleep and she didn't know you were there. Mention to her that if she wants she can keep a journal and that it will help her vent in a private way if she doesn't feel like talking to someone about it, oh and do not ever ever read her journal. The first year or so.... she's going to be like an infant.. Their first year they learn trust vs mistrust.... Don't invite friends over instantly, especially if its just to see her. Do what ever you can do to make her feel loved, and safe. She has most likely learned to not trust anyone, so if she does odd things that make it look like she doesn't trust you, don't be offended. Keep in mind what she has gone through. I'm not an expert on this, but I am going for my doctorates someday in psychology, I'm working on that now. I don't know if this information will help, but I hope it does

Answer 26

I think you are doing just great, and somehow it will all work out.  the puppy is a good idea - but let her choose the pup herself - take her to see the litter and let her choose the one she wants.  Let her feed it, walk it, clear up after it. If necessary you can go with her with the walks etc, but let her be in charge of the dog for her own self-worth.  Let the pup sleep in her room.  Most of her talk to her, and encourage her to talk to you, even if it is the same old stuff over and over. Also if you are unsure, there's nothing wrong with admitting to her that you are unsure. she might respect you for it.

Answer 27

be like a mum she never had,it's like starting over but with a older child,if she's alright with your daughters,husband & mother,well that's a good start,she will,(hopefully)be able to trust everyone concerned at some point,so build on that,at the moment she will be clingy with you,she knows you will protect her she knows your a good,caring person,your there for her and that's what she needs right now,i wish all concerned a good life, and every day you will be rewaded,take care

Answer 28

Give Her A While To Get Used To Her New Surroundings

Then She Will *** Out Of Her Shell More

Sorry To Here She Has Cancer And Hope She Becomes Better

Just Let Her Know You Will Always Be There For Her And You Can Look After Her .

Good Luck And I Hope Everything Goes Well

And It Is Really Nice Of You To Adopt Someone Like That

x*x

Answer 29

Firstly can I just say that I think you are a wonderful person for what you are taking on and you should be very proud of yourself.

I personally dont think a puppy is the best idea but its up to you. She is bound to be scared and is frightened to trust anyone after such an ordeal that she has been through. I think you just need to give her time to adjust to you. It will be atrange for her to be in a new home. Maybe you and your family could tell her you could all decotate her bedroom and get involved as a family and take little things or ideas to the hospital to show her and ask her which she prefers. It would be good to get all the family involved so she can get used to the other members of your family and hopefuly learn to trust them.

i genuinley wish you so much luck, you are a wonderful person and its a shame there are not more people like yourself.

xx

Answer 30

I applaud you!!! You are a wonderful person for taking this child & giving her the love every child deserves. Getting her a puppy is a wonderful idea. Labs are the best dogs for this task. They are very loving & patient dogs. Just keep doing what you are doing now. I cried when I read your story because I too was an abused child, in every way. Teach her that it's not her disease & not her fault. It's going to take her a long time to trust people & a lot of love & patience from every one in your family. You are an amazing person with a lot of love. God bless you.

Answer 31

the first few months will be hard till she learns to trust again but i am sure you will do a fantastic job what you are doing is fantastic