What about adoptees' children?

Question

Should adoptees tell their children about their adoption?

It is something that for some reason I haven't considered until recently, but I am now worried that I should have done and may have left it too late. I would be interested to know what other adoptees who are now parents have done; if they have told their children, and if so how and when. I have always known of my adoption and can't even remember being told, which is obviously the best way, but have left this too late now for my own children and wonder what is the best thing to do. I do not want my children to feel that their grandparents are not really their grandparents etc, as they have already had a lot of upheaval in their lives and need stability. My birthmother is not on the scene but hopefully will be some time in the future, which may complicate things.

I would appreciate some helpful responses and information about how other adoptees have dealt with this issue. Thank you.

Answer 1

My father was adopted along with his brother and sister.  My Mom told me when I was a teenager.  It was weird to hear, but not horrible.  Now, as an adult I really want to know his natural family.  But he doesn't want anyone to know them and won't give me any information.  That bothers me.

Answer 2

I've told mine - they're 12, 9 and 5.

They all understand at different levels.

If you make it a big deal - they'll make it a big deal.

They take their lead from us.

They should definately be told though - your bio family are part of who they are also.

Just explain that you have two families - one that gave you the 'nature' (genetics) and one that gave you the 'nurture'.

If they ask why you left it so long to tell them - just explain that you didn't think it was something they needed to know - say sorry for overlooking them in that decision - but you're happy to move forward from here - together.

There will most likely be questions - take them all one step at a time.

It's your reality - and they need to know.

I wish you all the very best. I'm sure you'll do fine.

Answer 3

This is a big issue I know a lot about. I married an adoptee and we had two children together....

It had not really crossed his mind to ever talk with our children and I had not either....  really... didn't seem much like it applied to them. We had talked about telling them when they were little but didn't really get there and I never felt it was my position to do all the talking about something that was so personal to their father.

Then I decided to take the kids on a trip to visit my aunt and while...thinking about how excited I was to see her and proud I was of our 7 and 8 year old children (girl and boy) I started anticipating what we would talk about....

And I could hear my Anut's vioce in my mind...Pick up a picture of my cousin and show it to my kids...while announcing... "This is our sweet Julie--she is adopted like your Daddy!"

....Since the kids and I were on a two day drive and I decided that someone really did need to tell our children.... that night at the hotel I talked with their father and we decided that I needed to go ahead and do it... as their father wasn't good at talking about big stuff anyway so--this was going to just be my job...

I expected my kids to take it very well...and really was Not ready for my son's reaction... I will never forget it because I had always been around adoption and don't know why our kids had missed the fact... but, My 8 year old son's first words were only:

"So, does that mean grandma isn't my grandma and I am not really a McName?"

Thank goodness we were going to see Aunt Terrie and Uncle Eddie because Uncle Eddie had grown up in an orphanage--and together they had fostered 57 kids...and adopted my cousin... because I really didn't expct my children to take it so hard...and Uncle Eddie was an amazing man.

Later--after I divorced their father and my second husband and I were adopting from foster care... the socialworker had to meet with both of my children for an interview. Apparently my son whom had just turned 18 said,

"Yeah-Yeah mom and step dad are great---now tell me do the grandchildren have the right to find out who the grandparents are?"

Again it was a good situation for my son-as he was in the care of people who understood well... The social worker gave him the information about the access to Original Birth Certificates in Oregon but, told him his father was the one who needed to request them. My son starting baggering his father to take action...

About a year later their father finally got his BC and then hired a private eye who found his biological parents--Married to each other still as it turned out that had been when my ex was born...and living about 20 miles away...

My children have gained another set of grandparents and one time we tried to count them all up...between divorces remarrages and adoption It was an unbelievable number of grandparents two kids could even dream of having... They gained an Aunt and a cousin the same age as their New adopted sister...

Last year at our daughters college graduation where she was Validictorian I met them... Because they wanted to know more about me--the mother of their grandchildren and asked us--My second husband and I took my ex-husbands biological parents out to dinner with our children! Talk about an Odd combination of related people gathering together....

My son was very interested in learning his family history. Stuck with just about the most Scotish name possible it has been an ironic turn of events to discover he has not a drop of Scotch to go with the first-middle-middle and last Scotish name... but, instead my children are between 1/4 and 1/2 Native American....and I never would have guessed.

My children have both honored and love their adoptive grandmother and their biological grandparents. It has been a blessing in some ways for this reunion as they lost their adoptive grandfather as very little children....my second husband's father was killed by a drunk driver shortly before we actually got married and...my father is a jack-A$$ who doesn't even remember how to spell their names let alone bother to know they have grown up...

From this reunion My son has found a grandfather who is also an Eagel Scout--a computer programmar from the old days and a man who looks a lot like him... My son has also learned that the "curse of the father" is so not the truth because his dad and grandfather are nothing alike--and my son believes he has found a man who really can relate to him...

so...yep tell your kids it does matter....

Answer 4

i don't think adoption is something to hide- it's a part of who you are!  I am adopted, and I have told my 5 year old about it, especially because i am in contact with my birth family.  My adoptive parents are MY PARENTS, as far as i'm concerned, i just came into their lives a different way than usual. :)

Answer 5

I have always told my kids that I am adopted.  Since they are still quite young, I'm not so sure they really understand what that means for me and/or for them.  I searched for my bfamily when my kids were 5 and 7.  I didn't go into much detail, because I didn't want to explain that sometimes parents do decide to give their kids away...I didn't want them to think that I would give them away.  

Anyway, not too long ago, I accidentally saw a program about adoption stories.  I was noticably upset by the content and my then 9 year old child asked why the show was upsetting.  Anyway, after we talked about this briefly, my child actually asked if "that" (adoption) could happend to him.  So, my fear that a young child could get scared by the idea of their parent's adoption is not unfounded.

After short contact with my bparents, I frankly decided that I did not like them AT ALL.  I am glad now that I kept my kids as protected from my contact as possible.  They knew I spoke on the phone to a man named __, but did not know that he was my bdad.  Turns out that bdad is a total jerk.  I'm SO glad that I protected my kids from him, that bdad never really entered their lives.  

Extended family was easier to introduce.  My Great-Aunt was recently passing through town, we all got together for lunch...it was fun.  Kids accepted that with no problems.  A few more cousins here or there...again, no problem for my kids.  

Bottom line:  I really think there is a serious and valid reason to protect your children from their own imaginations...you've got to hold your kids close and tight and tell them that what happened to ME will never happen to YOU.

Answer 6

Yes, of course you should tell them.  It is never to late.

I never considered not telling my kids as it is such a big part of who I am.  They never remember being told just like I never remember being told.  Now that they are in their teens they are much more interested in my heritage.  It seems like they have suddenly made the connection that this is their heritage too.

They love their grandparents and my being adopted has never impacted how they feel about them.  In fact they are much closer to my parents than to my husband's who are genetically related to them.

Please tell them.  If you handle it in a calm, loving way they will be accepting and curious.  If you make a huge deal of it so will they.  Your story is important for them to know.

Answer 7

No more secrets and lies in adoption please.  It will come out anyways, the first time a doctor asks them 'is there any family history of  . .. . . . . ?  why put your kids health at risk by having them give false information about their family medical history

My kids know, it's amazing how much they understand it so completely.  Now that I'm reunited with my first Mom and sister they are proud and excited that they now have three grandmas and an extra Auntie!  and no, they don't think any less of my adoptive mother.  She is their Grandma and always will be - they love her to bits.

Try not to stress over this.  Kids have more of a grasp on things than we give them credit for.  All they need are truthful explanations, sometimes repeatedly as they sometimes don't take everything in all at once.  And reassurance.

My eldest is age 7 and twins are 6 btw

Answer 8

I told my children that I was adopted, and I even went further than that- I adopted my children too.  Why did you feel uncomfortable telling your children about your adoption?  Their grandparents ARE their grandparents. Not to take away from your birth parents.

Answer 9

Our son knows that both his Daddy and I are adopted, and it doesn't seem to have changed his love for his grandparents. (any of them, including the mother who gave birth to me, and his bitrhmother's mom.)

His Grandpa is adopted too, but that doesn't make his family any less ours.  (Either of his families.. he found his half brother a couple of years ago)

It's important that your kids know their story, and your adoption is part of that story.

In our family, with so much adoption going around, it would have been impossible for our son to not know.

Just remember.. the opposite of "real" is "imaginary," and grandparents that you can touch, talk to, or see pictures of are not imaginary!

Answer 10

i think they should be told

Answer 11

Adoption is not a topic that I can avoid with my children. My nmom is very much a part of our lives as is my adad and his wife (amom passed away 16 years ago). Between all the adoption and divorce in my daughter's families they have 14 grandparents in total, kinda hard not to explain why most have 4 and they got 10 extra. Add my son into the mix and there are another 4 grandparents in my life. My youngest is only two so there isn't a whole lot of conversation between us other than potty? num nums? and sleepy? but my eldest daughter is 10 and understand fully why there are so many extra relations. She was first told of my adoption at about 4 and we have had hundreds of conversations about it since. Her family is very large and she has numerous extra Mommy role models so it was not a hard concept for her to grasp. I generally let her lead the conversations and answer all of her questions honestly. I don't feel that having extra people who love her takes away any of the stability in her life, it is simply how our family is made and she accepts it... especially since it means 10 times more gifts than any of her friends are getting LOL.

Answer 12

My children have always known about the adoption (ages 8 and 5). My older one asked; it comes up in normal conversation, and I would never hide the fact of the adoption from them.  It is their history as well as mine.

Will they end up considering their agrandparents "unreal?"  Such an idea was never introduced, and I don't see how any thinking person could come to such a conclusion- adult or child.

Answer 13

I myself was adopted when I was younger and I have 4 children now.  Ranging in ages 3 - 13.  I haven't shared it with them, and never have really thought about it.  I have never considered anyone other than my adoptive parents my parents and my childrens grandparents, so why tell them, and possibly confuse them?  I don't know.. maybe if the birthmother comes in the picture you can share it with them then if you want to go through the explanation, but you also will have to see her opinion on such.  Otherwise you could explain her as an old friend or aunt.  I am not sure.. but me being adopted don't see a reason to tell my kids.  I have never really cared about it, why bother them with it.  Best wishes to you and your children.

Answer 14

Hi DH,

Should adoptees tell their children?  Absolutely.  I have.  For the same reasons that adoptive parents should tell adoptees they are adopted.  If you have not done so yet, better late than never.

If you start early, then they will always know.  I'm comfortable talking about adoption, so it's always been easy, and there was never one "big" conversation on it.  I have explained that on my side of the family, there are 2 family trees.  One family contains the genetic, ethnic, and medical information.  The other family raised me.  I have drawn charts and filled in names for both families to make it easier to understand.  I would never mislead my children into thinking that they are genetically related to a family they are not.  Neither family has a monopoly on love.  Both trees belong equally to my descendants, and they have every right to know.  If conversations on childbirth or hereditary diseases come up, for example, you could use those occassions for adoption discussions.  There are also opportunities when you see adoption-related stories on TV or in the news.  I suggest making it a natural part of conversations.

Telling them about adoption does not mean they are not loved. That's the logic that went into secrecy for so many years.  That's the logic that suggested that adoptive ties are not strong enough on their own.  It does mean the family is expanded and there are extra members.  The kids have a right to know who they are related to & how, whether they ever meet the other members or not.  In this world of internet & reunions, it's not farfetched to believe a relative could contact them some day.  Then they will wonder why you hid it from them.  I believe by telling the children you are showing that adoption is not something to lie about or to keep hidden away like some shameful secret.  Honesty is always the best policy.  

I encourage you to share what you know with your children.  After all, that is half of their heritage.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 15

Hi When my Children are old enough to understand as in Late teens I will tell them

I am not ashamed of it so why would I keep it from them

But I don't think that a 5 yr old needs to be told , because this can confuse them.

It doesn't directly impact them until they have to go to the doctor by themselves and then they do need to know.

ETA : I can see where some people are going with their POV and I understand it but for each their own, I am having enough problems dealing with being adopted and reunion that I dont want to cloud it for my children who are 4 (nearly 5) and 1.

On my side there is only one of their Grandparents left and in 80's.

IF Family Trees were to come up at say school would I lie to my child because she was not of the age that I originally wanted to tell her ? NO I would not

But I'm so Angry about adoption and the complications in my adoption that I dont want to tell her and have to answer a thousand  questions because I KNOW That I would cloud it with my anger, and as much as I hate adoption I dont want her to think I am a product of that hate...

She just doesn't need to know at this very stage in her life. And she isnt going to understand it, and then she will want to know why she cant go see her Aunty, Her cousins her Grandmother who are all on the other side of the world

Maybe Late teens isnt perhaps the reality ! Especially with family tree stuff at school etc...But when she is ready, wen I am ready :)

Answer 16

Yes, its their right too know, its their heritage thats lost, their medical information and their connections to their past. I think you need to tell them as soon as possible.

My children ages 2 and 3 know. They know. Its time to tell your kids in my opinion.

I would sit them down and tell them, be prepared for questions, feelings of abandonment and time for them to digest it.

Answer 17

my cousins are adopted and we still act like they are a part of the family because they are and if you have gone your whole life with your parents then they are your parents if you are related or not. your kids should know. my family is one big and happy family even though we are not blood related we still act it and i couldnt picture not having my cousins or my aunt and uncle here(my aunt their mom was adopted but same difference). Christmas would never be the same. so tell your kids like my dad told me and hopefully nothing will change(in a way it depends on how old the kids are. I was 9 and i understood)

hopefully i helped

Answer 18

My kids are far to young to understand right now, so I can answer all of your question. I do plan to share my adoption with my children, as I have already introduced them to my birth mother. My 3 year old knows her name and they get on well. One day I am going to have to explain things to them, but for now I dont see the need.

I think it would be interesting to your children, to know about your family history and things. Medical history is also a good reason too. There are many important factors in telling your kids about your adoption.

Answer 19

Well I’m not a parent but if I ever have biological children I will tell them I am adopted, and I’d do it at a young age too. I’d get children books based on adoption for them so they would know from a very young age even before they could totally comprehend it. I’m not ashamed of being adopted and I wouldn’t want to let them think they were genetically related to my side of the family. Of course for me that wouldn’t be possible seeing as I’m mixed and my family is not but still.

To me it really would be no different then an adoptee not being told they were adopted or finding out later in life. I imagine the child of an adoptee could have  similar feelings like betrayal that they weren’t told till later in life or they found out.    I really would not treat it much differently then if I adopted children and let them know they were adopted, which I hope to one day be able to do.

Answer 20

I babysit a family (for 5 years now) and all 3 of their children are adopted as well as both of her sisters kids. All the grandchildren in their family were adopted (some from the same family) anyway each one of them (ages 10, 8, 5, 3 & 3) know that they were adopted, they know their birth parents names, and they know the names that they were given at birth before their adoptive parents changed them. Each one has their own little Album  with pictures of their birth parents and the adoption article from the paper as well as the adoption papers from the agency...they are all very proud to be adopted and will tell you so...i love these children as if they were my own and i think it is wonderful that they know so much about how they came into this world as well as how they came to be with the family they are with...

Answer 21

Yes I strongly beleive so . but at the right time ..