What about this for an ending?

Question

I recently posted a rough draft of a poem

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ak1NarhAvszQDX7vYikKRcMgBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20080707140231AAaBHjD

I'm still very stuck with it but I have a possible ending. I'll post the first 3 stanzas again along with the end but eventually it will have bits inbetween, if I even keep what I have now and don't change it completely. Opinions please.

In the spaces, betwixt stars

slumber manxome avatars

There colours born in outer space,

a thousand eyes and yet no face

Lemur's wings and peacock horns,

impossible cyclopian forms

watched upon by dying suns,

under the gaze of eldritch moons,

awaken those forgotten ones

from aeons old cocoons

Answer 1

This is very interesting.  I can't say I understand all the words you have used -manxome/eldritch (and maybe this might be off-putting to some). I like it very much - (and I know some-one else who would love to read about spaceand the stars...)

I have no problem with your metre or rhyme scheme, especially when it all fits together so well and the rhymes are not forced.

One or two typos ....I think it should be 'Their' colours....and wax and wane.

I like the line

Lemur's wings and peacock horns.....because there are no such things....but, in your world there could be!

"As cosmic binds wax and wane"...I have a problem with this

As cosmic....something...wax and wane (yes) but not 'binds'

How about 'As cosmic waves (or seas) wax and wane'  - just an idea.

Answer 2

that's GREAT! i really like IT!LOL!its good!

Answer 3

Bravo!

Answer 4

wow. thats beautiful :)

u r very artistist and seem to have a fluent imagination

for my age, i have a preety good vocabulary, but half the words in ur poem i couldn't understand. lol

cute poem tho :)

choose a best anser for some1 ;)

Answer 5

wow. keep writing for the sake of the human race!

Answer 6

This took me a couple of reading before I could figure out what it was and then .....wham!  

I think because it was so unexpected.   It is very good!  write more and illustrate it . I can imagine these  impossible creatures flying   among  the stars.

Answer 7

its very pretty. (this applies to myself and doesnt neccesaraly apply 2 u) when i have to follow rules of writing(sylable counts, rhymes, stuff like that) the poem always turns out horrible. when i have no boundries or limits or wuteva, i can say exactly what i want 2 say and it will be alot more origional. so ya  maybe loosen up ur rules and go w/ the flow a bit?

Answer 8

I think it's pretty good, though I would reword the last line.

Answer 9

hey, that was pretty good if i must say so myself. i liked the change in rhyme for not every poem must rhyme. you got your point across.

let me know when you have the finished version.

<3 E