What advice can you give me on finding my birth mom?

Question

What advice can you give me on finding my birth mom?

Answer 1

if you truly want to find your birth mom then I say go for it only you know if your ready or not. . .everyone is different. . . .if finding your birth mom will help you in that chapter in your life then good for you. . . .only do it for you and no one else

Answer 2

It sounds like sheepdog had an awful experience with this type of situation and still holds a lot of anger and resentment towards what happened.

I am an adoptee who was reunited with both birthparents as an adult. I started searching for my birthmom when I was 15, my birthfather found me when I was 20, and I finally found my birthmother at age 21.

The summer before my birthfather found me, I read the book BIRTHRIGHT. It was given to me by a teacher/friend and I am SO grateful to have read it. It taught me not to have expectations going into the search and/or reunification process.

I love both my birthparents dearly - although they are not a part of my life more than my history at this point. I reunited with each family, because part of their extended family, and eventually had a falling out with each family that lead to being on non-speaking terms. It was incredibly difficult for me to suffer the loss of them in my life AGAIN, however I have answers about my past and where I come from and as much as it still sometimes it's emotionally painful - the adoption rollercoaster will forever be a part of my life - I wouldn't have done it any other way.

So, first, have no expectations. Of anything. Second, don't give up on something that's important to you - so if you want to find her, do everything you legally can. If she doesn't want to be found or contacted, there's nothing you can do about that but at least you know you didn't give up on yourself, or your birthmom. Third, if you find your birthmom, respect her wishes. If she wants contact, if she doesn't, how much she would want, and if she were to change her mind in the future. Fourth, believe in yourself and the beauty of your dreams. Dreams come true, it just takes a little or a lot of hard work on your end. And remember that things don't always work out the way you want them to - but they always work out the way they're supposed to! Sometimes it's a difficult situation to cope with, and other times it's "never a dull moment" and the best thing in the world. Again - that goes back to the emotional rollercoaster I referred to previously.

Whatever you decide - however you handle this - I wish you the best!! Adoption was and is a very huge part of my life and I've felt both sides of the situation as far as not having my birthparents (knowledge of) in my life, having met them and formed a relationship, and having gone our separate ways. I think emotionally if you are capable of maturely dealing with the situation, there shouldn't be anything to hold you back other than yourself and when you feel ready to pursue the search.

Answer 3

Keep an open mind.

Answer 4

I was adopted twice, and I found my mother when I was 15 and she passed away earlier in life, and she was mentally ill....

My advice.....Dont get your hopes UP! In your mind you are picturing your mother in a certain way, expect the unexpected...She might have a new husband, kids, etc.......

BUT you NEED to find her, I am glad I found my mother......now I can sleep.....

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!! my prayers are with you!

Answer 5

I can tell you that your birth mother loves you and did what she did because of her love for you. She wanted something better for you then what she could give. Don't find her out of spite for your parents find her out of respect,  love and wonder. It might be hard at first for both of you which is why you shouldn't do it out of spite. You will need your parents. I know this because I gave my daughter up at birth and I love her more then anything and always will.

Answer 6

MAKE SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT FIRST. IF IT IS ASKED YOUR ADOPTED MOTHER IF SHE HAS ANY PAPERS ON YOU. WERE YOU WERE BORN,WERE YOU WERE ADOPTED,AND IF THEY KNOW YOUR REALS MOTHERS NAME. AND IF SHE KNOW ANY THING ABOUT YOUR ADOPTION.IF THEY DON'T KNOW ANY THING ABOUT YOUR REAL MOTHER. BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW WERE YOU WERE BORN AND WERE YOU WERE ADOPTED. AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO GO AND SEE IF YOU CAN GET THE INFORATION YOU NEED TO FIND HER. BUT DON'T GET UPSET IF YOU CAN NOT GET IT. THEIR IS A NEW LAW THAT IS FOR ADOPTED PEOPLE THAT YOUR ARE TO GET THE INFORMATION YOU NEED. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR MY RECORD FOR ABOUT 20 YRS NOW AND EVER TIME I THINK I WILL GET CLOSE, THINKS JUST GET OUT OF CONTROL. SO NOW I JUST LIVE FOR THE DAY,AND IF SHE OR MY DAD WANT TO FIND ME THEY WILL HAVE TOO. BECAUSE I WAS TOLD MY ADOPTAGE RECORDS ARE GONE.

GET ALL THE INFORATION YOU CAN FROM YOUR FAMILY ABOUT YOUR ADOPTAGE.

Answer 7

Don't.

Whatever fantasy you have inside your head about reuniting with your biological mother after all these years, it will be nothing like that in reality.

Instead of pining for a past you didn't have, and never will, focus and work on making a better future for yourself.

Answer 8

Sheepdog obviously doesn't know what they are talking about.

Everyone else have given some great ideas.  If you are have your natural mother's name, there are people that will help you search.  There's a forum over at reunion.com where people will help you do a search.

Good Luck and definitely keep an open mind.  I hope you find her and find what you need as well.

Answer 9

Patience. :)

Birth mom's are wonderful people, that thought enough of you to give you a wonderful home. Many are scared to fianlly look into the eyes of that baby, now adult. All of the possible hopes and dreams they have continued to have in you will soon be reality...and it can be scary for all of you....but very worth it.

Your adoptive parents, I hope will be supportive in your search. Start with them, see what documents they have, and go from there.

Good luck sweetie

Answer 10

The first thing that you need to do is get your original birth certificate from births, deaths and marriages in your state of birth. This will give you your mother (and possibly fathers name). Also their birth dates and their addresses at the time of your birth. This cost me about $120 ten years ago.

Then you can apply to the Dept of community services (if they still handle it...lots of govt mergers lately!) for the identifying and non identifying information that they hold for your parents (these were mostly collected via questionnaires). This is (If I remember correctly) included in the birth certificate fees. I can't remember if I had to apply for this seperately or not but a phone call to Dof CS will tell you that. (the application may have come with the birth certificate)

When you get the info from the dept of CS, you will also get a blue booklet with information on how to go about finding your birth parents. It has contact numbers for agencies and sample letters to help make contact. I recommend though if you find her yourself, that you go through an agency to make contact because she is much more likely to talk to someone impartial than to you (it may be a bit of a shock at first or her new family may not know about you.) You do not want the trauma of her saying that she doesn't want to see you. Remember that you have been thinking of this for a while. She may not want to see you anyway and you have to prepare youself for that.

My birth mother is American from Wisconsin and I have not been game (even though I know where she is) to make contact. I guess I should before it is too late!

Having had to go through all the hard yakka myself I am so glad that now I can share what I have found out with someone else who wants to go down this path.

Good luck with your search!

Answer 11

It depends on how much if any information you have on her. You could try going though adoption agency that adopted you out, possible see if you can get some records from the hospital.  You might try ask your parents if they could help you most adoptive parents are supportive of their children if they ever choice to seek out birthparent.

You should be prepared for anything. Sometimes people don’t want to be found, or  other times they may be found but be totally not what the person expected. Like I recall one person here said someone in their family found their birthfamily and it was just a disaster, the family was totally dysfunctional, people in jail, not living very good life’s. etc. Then again you could have a happy reunion and become friends with birthmother.  At the most you could find out some answers to question you’ve been wondering , get some medical history etc. So really be prepared for anything.

Answer 12

try to find her through the agency your adopted

Answer 13

Each state has specific laws on the information you can receive regarding birth parents.  Go to this site to see the specific laws for the state where you adoption was finalized.  This will give you all of the information to make the first steps, which is normally requesting your non-id.  

http://laws.adoption.com/statutes/state-...

There are 5 states in the US with "open records".  This means you can by request receive your original birth certificate once you reach the legal age requirement for that state.

The open states are Al, AK, KS, NH, OR.   I understand that TN is also easy to have records opened.  

Some states are easier to search because many of the original records are available in searable databases.  Those states are CA, OH, & TX

My recommendation is to go ahead and search.  The end result is not always what we hope for but for most people finding closure is what is best.  Most reunions go very well.

Good luck in your search.