What advice would you give to a young adoptee struggling in an open adoption?

Question

We gave our word, so we will always keep DD's First Mom informed.

First family does not follow thru with promises to DD. This has happened three times in different areas recently.

DD wants a break from her other family.

I believe First Parents (family) pain is greatly underestimated. Overall, DD's other family is amazing, kind and loving. I think they are struggling emotionally.

****DD is 10 yrs. What advice would you give her?

Your kindness would be appreciated in this complex situation, Thank you.

Answer 1

I would protect my child from that sort of chaos and pain. As an adopted person I feel very strongly about open adoption.  

Answer 2

Using terms only to clarify:

My adoptive daughter is seven. Her half-sister who is fourteen going on fifteen is living with us, I will call her "Daisy" (kinship care)  DDs mom has always been in and out of her life. Right now the relationship is strained because her fourteen year old is pregnant. That's the reason she left her father's home and showed up on our doorstep.

A few weeks ago DDs mom attacked her sister as they argued about weather or not she could keep her baby. According to DDs mom if she couldn't keep her baby then neither can Daisy - WTF?   Because of her violence I have told her she is no longer welcomed in our home until she gets her anger under control. Her response was to write a hateful letter to her seven year old daughter! Having DDs mom in our life has taken a emotional toll on DD. She is having nightmares. I do not want this to be the last emory she has of her mother but what can I do?

When DD said she did not want to see or talk to her mom I told her that she did not have too. But I also told her that if she were to ever change her mind to let me know. Simply put the children's safety and mental well being MUST come first.

I agree they are struggling emotionally an this may be reason for the problems but at the same time I have three children with whom have needs that supersedes any adult.  Yes our family puts the D in dysfunction. *bang head against the wall*

Answer 3

She is old enough to understand that even though people promise things they don't or can't follow through. It's a sad fact. I'm sorry for her, but sorrier for her bmom.

I often think about if I would have been able to do an open adoption and if it would have been easier than a closed one. I'm not sure. Either way would be painful.

If the first family isn't in counseling, they should be.  

Answer 4

If DD is 10 and says that she needs a break, then she needs a break.  I would say that puberty is coming up and emotionally she may not be able to handle everything at once.  If you promised to keep them updated, maybe do updates with letters and email...and such.  She has the right to be upset.  Maybe help her to understand that yeah, they do love her and you don't understand why she is being treated this way by her First Family, but to remind her that she is very loved.

Maybe she could sit down with them and explain to them or write a letter stating how she feels!  Even if she writes the letter and doesn't give it to them, at least her feelings will be out on paper (and no one has to read it)...this will help her deal with her feelings!

Answer 5

Talk, talk and more talk - with your DD.

Let her voice her frustrations. Let her know that she can feel whatever it is she wants to feel.

Validate them.

Perhaps encourage her to write a journal - so that she can get those frustrations out. (she most likely keeps things from you - and that's fine - but allow her to at least get them out of her head.)

Ask her - what she would like to see happen at this stage.

And back her up.

She needs to know that you're doing what's best for her (that you have her back - so to speak) - first and foremost - but keep communication open - and say that things can always change. (as they always do)

Help her write down her thoughts - perhaps in a letter to her first mum - just saying she needs some space - but that you (her a-mum) will keep communication open - keep in contact - etc.

As for DD's first family - suggest books - forums - some outlet for them to find some support from other first families - links to blogs as well.

Let them know how upset DD is - by being let down over and over again.

They need to work on their side - to not put so much stress on DD.

Open adoption must be such a stressful thing.

Sending you & DD strength and hugz.

Answer 6

I am not an aparent but I am the parent of step children that I raised in my home and their mother was the one who would always disappointed them by not following through with her promises.  I was left to pick up the pieces, and watch my step-children (who I have always considered my own) fall apart.  

It is very hard to be in that position.  You can understand why the child is angry or hurt when their parent doesn't come through and disappoints them but you don't want them to act out of that anger and be disrespectful.  

I think that this is a good opportunity for you to teach DD some life lessons.  Sometimes we need to confront people that it is hard for us to confront and tell them how we feel, honestly and respectfully.  I understand that the ffamily is in great pain.  Many times we have to consider other peoples feeling before our own but there are times when we are being treated wrong and we need to learn to stand up for ourselves.  It is important for people to learn how to stand up for what is right in a respectful and dignified manner, especially girls.  

Help her to think about how she feels and why she feels that way and then help her to put those feelings into words.  Assure her that you will understand her feelings even if they are not agreeable to you.  Help her to work this out.  You can't change the ffamily but you can help DD to deal successfully with her feelings and hopefully she can relate them to her ffamily.