What age to tell her?

Question

my husband is adopting my daughter who is 5, she has never known her biological father and knows my husband as daddy. what age do you think would be the best to tell her about that adoption? and any ideas on how to tell her? she has NEVER seen or had contact with her bio father.

Answer 1

Tell her when she is able to fully understand.  She will need to first understand how babies are made and what adoption is; you don't want to confuse her.  

Answer 2

what if... you never told her? or maybe you should tell her around her... late teens... after she graduates from college and gets a good job?

i dont know, please dont hate me but i really think anytime you tell her will affect her deeply.

Answer 3

Dear Just Me,

I agree you should tell her today.  The sooner the better.  Bring it down to her level.  Its amazing how much little ones understand.  Best wishes:)

ETA:

As an abuse survivor, thank you for removing yourself from an abusive relationship.  That takes REAL guts!  Thank you.

Answer 4

I actually think it's okay to start letting her know now...just break down to her level.  You'll be amazed how smart kids are.

Answer 5

Darth Amyus: Don't underestimate a child's or even a toddler's ability to comprehend what being "adopted" means.

You'd be surprised at what toddlers can understand. Yes, I said a toddler. As in, 2-3 years old. Not a kid.

It feels like I've known since forever, which then I presume my parents must have told me since before I even fully understood what being "adopted" meant.

When I say that a toddler can be told they were adopted, I don't mean to say that they will understand that adoption is a "legal process"... they just need to understand there was a mom who gave birth to them but could not keep them and another mom who raised them.

At the age of two, I knew that I looked different and that I was Chinese.

Probably by the age of three, I understood that I was adopted in the "child" sense of things.

I get comments from people all the time on my blog telling me how astounded they are that their 2-3 year old is asking about their China mommy and if they will ever see her again. Yes, the 2-3 year olds can understand to an extent what adoption means.

So bottom line: tell ASAP.

Answer 6

I would tell her as soon as possible. However don't EVER say that your hubby is not her "real" father. A real father is one that cares for the child whether or not the child is his biologically. So your hubby is her real dad.  What I would tell her right now, is not all the details of why she has never seen her bio father.  That would only confuse her- but do share that her "FATHER" loves her so much that he wants to make it known that he will be there for her. If you don't tell her, and she finds out somehow later, which can happen, she may be resentful. She may think that is something wrong with having your hubby adopt her.  Good luck, and have a great life with your child!!

Answer 7

Tell her today.

Now is better than ever. She has a right to know.

Answer 8

I wasnt in this type of situation, but i was adopted at birth. I am currently 15. My adoptive family told me when i was younger and before i really knew what it meant but now that im older i understand what it means and ive known it my whole life so im comfertable with it. Also my cousin is adopted and they did'nt tell him until he was about 12 or 13 and he completely flipped out and he was really mad and he went threw alot of different emotions and changes in his life at a younger age. I think its best to tell her when she is younger so that even if she doesnt understand what it means she will know it and she will grow up used to it.

Answer 9

You should tell her as soon as possible. That means now. Teenage angst is a dangerous thing and if you tell her that when she's in her teens or something, she might end up resenting you. And if you never tell her and she finds out, then she might suffer some extreme emotional problems.

It's better to tell her now, when she's young, so she can adjust to the idea.

Answer 10

If you guys are making the decision to tell her, tell her when she is young like now.  She wont fully understand, but she will have the thought in her head so it wont totally upset her when she is older and does understand.. do not tell her when she is older, it can casue so many problems and pain.  My Dad adopted my brother when he was born, he married my mom when she was pregnant with him.  We where bein typical kids and snooping in our parents closet, he was 13 i was 12, we found his adoption papers.. it devestated us both.. he honestly has never been the same.  He got into drugs shortly after, stopped doing well in school and ended up in prison when he turned 23.. he is now 27 and luckily doing alot better, he has finally forgiven our dad but im sure it still hurts him.

Answer 11

Well speaking from experience when a child is 5 you should tell them as soon as you can about who her real dad is and who is taking care of her from age 0-5.

As a five year old she doesn't have as much feelings as we do she will probably and hopefully take it easily.

Maybe buy her something to make her feel better tell her that her dad is a good guy.  tell her that you will visit her often.

Answer 12

Tell her as soon as possible. You don't need to make a big thing of it, just gradually introduce the idea to her in general conversation, that way she'll accept it as normal and no big deal.

take care and good luck, I'm sure you'll do fine whatever you decide x x

Answer 13

I'm not very good at these things, but I think I'll give it a shot. You know, expand my horizons.

I think you should tell her as soon as you feel she could understand. Don't wait until her teen age years. Then she'll wonder what else you've been keeping form her all those years. Then again, it won't have any meaning if you tell her now, because she won't understand.

I don't when exactly a good age would be, because all children develop differently. I think maybe 7 to 9 ish.

Of all the converstations you'll have with her, I can only imagine how hard it will be, telling her daddy isn't her original daddy. It's one of those you have to have with her, just like the talk about not drinking. In the long run, you'll feel better because you got if off your chest, and she'll feel you're honest with her.

Plus, it's not like she has any connections with her biologial father. She knows your husband as her father, and will continue to see him as such. It doesn't matter who is her biological father, what matters is who was there for her all those years. That's a dad.

Also, I think it'd be good for your husband to be in on this conversation, too.

Answer 14

Now is a good time to start. Then it is no surprise I have an adopted sister and my parents told her from the beggininig

so it was no problem