What are pains that the adoptee and birth parents go through?

Question

What are pains that the adoptee and birth parents go through?

Answer 1

The list is long.  I'm an adoptive mother, so I can only speak from what I have learned from my daughter and from the adoptees and first moms I have met on YA.  The first thing that comes to mind is LOSS.  Such a tremendous loss.  The first moms have regrets and shame and guilt even when in reality they didn't have a choice.  Even if they willingly made the choice, they have no idea at that time what it will actually feel like to always know there is a part of them out there that they may never see.  Then, as they become more aware of the realities of adoption, their pain is intensified by the the fact that their child, an adoptee, struggles every day of his/her life to come to terms with the fact that they are adoptees.  

Adoptees feel tremendous loss and shame.  Yes!  Shame.  That their own mothers didn't love them enough to keep them.  Then they feel guilty because they yearn to find their first moms.  Shouldn't they just be happy that they have had a loving family?  Shouldn't they just realize what a horrible life they were spared from?  This is the message we give them all too often.  This is what I've learned about what adoptees and first moms go through, and my heart aches for them.

Answer 2

Can you be more specific?  

Adoption can have a lot of pain/loss associated with it.

Adoptees can have abandonment issues and attachment disorders.  They can feel they have lost their heritage.

Birth parents can feel guilt and depression.

There can also be a lot of good that comes from adoption.  Birth parents have the freedom and choice to make this decision if it is right for them in their life at the time of the pregnancy.  Can feel good about providing their baby with something they may not be in a position to give.

Adoptees can have wonderful adoptive parents that are commited to making their life better and in a position to raise them in a loving environment.  Have a nice normal life.

Answer 3

from personal experience as a birth mother the feelings and emotions have varied over the years.  In the beginning an initial shock, but always a great sense of doing the absolute right thing for my child.  I was in a position where the birth father was uable to be the father that he could have potentially been.  I wanted the very best for my child; mentally, physically, financially and most importantly spiritually.  I realized that I was not mature enough & had hurts and pains from yesteryear that needed to be worked through.

I found gladney.com in the state of Texas.  I lived in several states away and they helped me through the whole process.  There were a number of people that stated that I could always change my mind and have my child with me again.  My response was that it wasn't all about me.  It would hurt 2 people who had been praying: wanting and waiting for a child for several years.   & the damage that could potentially occur by placing that child in another transition(of again changed home/environment) The countenance on the adoptive parents face was one of great thankfulness and appreciation. (priceless) I have never experienced such gratitude in all my life.  I am greatful that I was able to give someone something that could not have been if it were not for prayer to God for direction,( the greater good and great love that I have for my child.)

I pray that this helps.

If there is someone you know who is trying to determine what to do, I would suggest, prayer to God and checking into www.gladney.com for details.  To this day if I need to call or pour out my heart they are available.

Answer 4

guilt and constantly not knowing. not being able to have contact.