What are people's view on adoption?

Question

I am due to have a baby soon and her father is saying that I'm a horrible selfish person and that I'm a quitter because I don't feel like I can afford her or take care of her. He says that I should've gotten an abortion or not have had s*x at all. Why does it get pinned all on the women? I feel like I'm doing the best for my child.

Answer 1

i think that if you are thinking for the best interest of your child and if the answer is to put your child up for adoption then do it b/c it's wat might be best for her....good luck i wish you the best

Answer 2

Adoption is a long term fix to a short term problem.

I was adopted at birth - and found out that my parents married 6 months after my birth - and went on to have 3 more children.

I wasn't allowed to grow up in the family that I belonged to simply because my mother and grandparents thought it was the best thing to do.

Many adoptees ask themselves - why wasn't I kept - what is wrong with me?????

Think long and hard about your decision - as it's someones life that you are deciding for - something you'll all have to live with forever - you, the child's father, your other children, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

Children don't need material things - they need their mother's love - first and foremost.

Look into the effects relinquishment does to children.

It's a wound that never truly heals.

Yes - adoptive parents will be wrapped - they get a child.

But you and your child will have to live with the consequences for the rest of your lives.

Answer 3

I am married, have a child who is almost 4 yrs old, and three months ago, I placed her baby sister for adoption at birth.  Their father is my husband.  We separated when I was 3 mo prego, and when he found out I was making an adoption plan, he made a point to tell me how horrible I was and what a low life mother I was because I realized that I could no way care for two children.  I just barely manage to support one child.  He has no prob calling me horrible names, but he never fought the adoption and has not even spoke to his older daughter since Easter.  I did what was best for this baby and my older daughter.  You must do the same.  But be warned, that most courts will not allow an adoption plan without his consent.  And you can attempt to go through with it, but you have to be prepared for a fight if he contests it.  It would be horrible for the adoptive parents to have your baby and then have he/she taken away by a father who does not really want them.  

And yes, it is always our fault.  It is always the same thing: "keep your legs shut if you don't want a baby".  Well, not only am I a mother and a birth mother, I am also pro-choice, meaning I support a woman's right to choose whatever she chooses.  We should be allowed certain freedoms without persecution from our male counterparts.  And any man who abandons a girl upon finding out she is pregnant should have NO SAY in an adoption.  No rights, whatsoever.

Answer 4

My experience is that many men want women to take all the responsibility while they take all the control.  And that is what it is about -- control.

It is your body and it is your decision.  I am in awe of women who are honest enough to honor this decision about parenting.  You, in my opinion, honor this child by realizing that you may not be the best person to raise this child.  There is nothing wrong with this.  This is honest, and more women should be as honest as you are.  There would be many fewer neglected or abused children if this were the case.

It's too late for any other decision now, so move forward with your plan, and be proud that you were able to think of this child, and your other children, before your own needs.  

If you need referrals for licensed agencies, please just email me.

The best of luck to you!

Answer 5

You are making a courageous decision, and shouldn't feel bad about it.

Now, the bad news.  You need to keep your relationship with him civil.  You are going to need his permission to put the baby up for adoption.  He can make it hard for you, and from the sound of it, he will if you get him upset.

Answer 6

It sounds like the bio father just is not ready to be a parent and unfortunately is taking it out on you.  I think you are making a very responsible decision if you feel that you cannot care or provide for your child.  Good luck to you.

Answer 7

I gave my daughter up for adoption, i had an older son and i was financially not ready but against abortion so i gave her up, my son sometimes asks me why she isn't with us(he 11 now) he doesn't understand the whole adoption thing yet.  I make a point to buy her things at xmas and because we share the same birthday i celebrate her birthday instead of mine.  It wasn't until i got married and then pregnant shortly thereafter that i starting thinking about her more often.  

At the time i did it i kicked myself in the butt all the time thinking i shouldn't have but then i look at my financial situation and say i did the right thing.

My daughter went to a nice family that couldn't have children and sure i think about her all the time cause i have my oldest son and my youngest son but my middle child is missing.  But i gave her a chance at a better life than i could give her and i agree witht he one post on here it is the most selfless act one and it takes so much love to give a child up for adoption.

if you wish to chat email me i'm here!

Answer 8

I applaud you for thinking this through and coming to a very difficult and thoughtful decision.

For the baby's father to belittle you that way is incredibly immature.  I don't think all people pin it on a woman.  It's sad that your significant other is one of the unenlightened.  

You are NOT a quitter.  You are a mature, intelligent, selfless woman.  Since your man obviously doesn't see it this way, perhaps you will consider raising your standards and finding a man who is supportive of you -- especially in situations he helps to create.

I wish you all the best.  Please e-mail me through my profile if you ever feel the need to talk.

Answer 9

abortion was not an option.  there is a couple out there wanting that baby.  if you are not able to care for that baby giving her/him up is the best thing that you can do.  i just hope you are sure and that you have no regrets later.  good luck to you and your family.

Answer 10

Here is something to consider. A lot of adoptees who tell you that adoption was the best thing, also hate their biological mothers and are thankful they weren't raised with them.

Are you really that bad of a mother? It's a really good question to ask yourself, because it is very likily that your child will be appreciative to you, only because they are happy to not be raised with you. And if you are truly concerned that you would be a negative force in your child's life, then adoption COULD be something for a child to be thankful for. Escaping growing up with a cruel, viscious, or neglectful mother. Who wouldn't be happy for that?

But if you know in your heart that you love this child and you want to give that child all your love and provide all the things your child needs emotionally and spiritually, then remember than money doesn't mean everything. YES you want to be able to feed your child...

So if basic necessities are a concern then look into WIC, welfare, tanif, food stamps, section 8 housing.

Or family support if your family is willing to be supportive. I know it's not fun to use government programs, but remember, that is why they are there, for people to make it through the rough times to better their situations.

If you know you are using them for that purpose, then that is the reason we have them.

If you really do feel that your daughter will be neglected emotionally by you, then adoption could be a good solution. However, hormones can make you emotional and scared, is this a fear that you have that's based in reality, or just something your scared of as a hypothetical possibility?

There are a lot of things to think about, but please don't consult this dingbat father about it.

There is one thing that is certain, if you place your child for adoption you will more that loss, and for many people the pain of losing a child for adoption is just something that grows with time, although it may become subtler in other ways.

Make sure if you are going to go through that kind of pain, it ACUTALLY WILL benefit the child.

Many, though not all, adoptees struggle a lot with identity issues and feel a loss of not having their biological family members.

You don't want to go through all that suffering thinking that you gave your child a gift, only to find out that they struggled with things your biological children didn't even struggle with.

(I am adopted and my biological parents kids have all made it through highschool and college with a lot more love and support and understanding than I did. Even though they had less money, they all did better in school and felt more connected to their peers. It's really hard on my bioparents to see this, when it was so painful for them to place me and they believed I was really getting something better)

Answer 11

I think adoption is great! I am adopted an its the best thing that happened! My Birth mother wasn't stable enough to care for me, If you feel you dont have the means or aren't ready than adoption is the way to go there are so many people out there wanting a child an willing to provide for it! so goodluck with your decision an i hope all works out for you!

Answer 12

I placed my son for adoption last December. We already have 2 little boys, and a third was much more than we knew we could handle.

It is the most unselfish decision you can make, as long as you do it for the right reasons. You need to think about what is best for your child.

What he says is just bull. Any man that actually gave a d**n wouldn't be saying things like that. It doesn't sound like he is offering any alternatives. Besides, making baby took two.

Any way though, you should definitely contact someone about adoption. I went through Catholic charities, even though I am not catholic. The worker that I visited with was not pushy, and actually made me look at every option that I had before proceeding with the adoption paperwork. Any good agency or organization that you work with should never make you feel like you have to do this, or force you in to anything.

I won't lie, it hurts.  I think about my little boy a lot, but it has gotten easier. I chose his family, and they are wonderful people. It is an open adoption, so they give me updates every now and then, so I know he is okay. I do not regret my decision, it was the best choice for him.

Im sorry to tell you so much about my own experience, but it really helped me when I was in the place you are, to hear other people's stories. If you have any questions for me, or want to talk, feel free to send me an email. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 13

You aren't being selfish by thinking about your child and what may be best for him/her.  I think adoption is a great option for many people.  No I don't think that just money should be the issue because rich people aren't always the greatest of parents and money isn't the biggest issue, the love and proper care is but if you feel that you can't take care of another child then adoption would be an option to consider.  It isn't all on you though, he would have to agree to the adoption too.  As for saying you should have gotten an abortion well maybe he doesn't want to have a child out there like that and as for the s*x, well it takes two.

Answer 14

My cousin is adopted. Her mother was in a similar situation - father wanted her to have an abortion, but she refused. She had two other kids, but knew she wouldn't be able to take care of a third.

My cousin is now 10, and we adore her! There are so many couples out there who can't have kids, and want desperately to have a baby of their own.

Check into adoption, you don't have to commit to anything right away. The birth mother is in control. If you start feeling uncomfortable at any time, back out!

Just try to do what you think is right for you and your child.

Crisis pregnancy center is a great organization. If you have one in your area, check it out!

Answer 15

Hi! Hey u going to be a mother.Plz don't give ur child for adoption. Any way i have no words for these situation but i know once u will have ur baby in ur hand u will fight for him/her from world....will be every thing for u! I bet.

Good luck

Answer 16

You are kind and loving to want the best for this baby.  Please place the child for adoption and bless the baby with a loving stable family, the way God intended it to be.

I placed a baby for adoption when I was 15 years old.........that was 30 years ago and two years ago I found her!  She told me that she was glad that I loved her enough to give her a chance in a family that truly wanted a baby, prayed for a baby, and was mature enough and financially secure enough to raise a child with all the responsibilities that go along with it.  If I had kept her I would've been a 15 year old high school dropout with no earning capacity.  She needed braces and all that stuff that goes with growing up, I wouldn't have been able to do that for her.  Her father dropped out of the picture early in my pregnancy.  

How'd she turn out?  A loving Christian woman, college graduate, and thankful that I chose adoption over abortion.

Good luck, I know that you'll get flack over both sides.

Answer 17

Wow, the father obviously has no love for the child. He sounds like an *** to me. It gets pinned on the woman because the guy isnt the one with the baby in him, and he knows it was just as much his fault as her's for getting pregnant but doesnt want to be responsible. You are doing whats best for your child, a home with (loving) parents is better then anything else. You are not horribly selfish...you are exactly the opposite, you cannot be selfish by having the baby...you are not terrible for not wanting to kill your baby either...

As for adoption, if you really cannot take care of the baby it is better to give it to someone who can rather then kill it or leave it in a dumpster.

Answer 18

You've got to figure out if emotional stability is more important than material things. Essentially the plan you are deciding on is if material things are worth more than the sense of self that your child would develop growing up with you and his/her living siblings. ( who also will be losing something in adoption )

If i were you I would check into the survivors of adoption and see how its impacted their lives. See what they're doing now to heal and change the system so you can see how you'll feel in 20 - 30 - 40 years. heres some www.origins.org

Better yet try researching the impact loss of a mother has on a human being child, not just in adoption, but in other instances too, so you can see the familiarity patterns and see the connection of the severe impact loss of a mother has on a human being, especially at birth.

Then decide if this is the life you want for your child and you. Decide if its worth it, and if you can answer to your child in 18 years or maybe sooner if you have an open adoption. Know that legally binding open adoptions don't happen in the United States, that an adoptive couple can promise openness and close it at their choice whenever they want.

check out the following links:

www.originsUSA.org

www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf ( downloadable booklet on what you should consider when surrendering )

www.motherhelp.info

Answer 19

I am 36 and was adopted as a baby and, I am glad!  I have met my birth mother and she is a toxic selfish woman, and her other daughter turned out exactly the same.  I see facets of her personality in myself and don't want to be like my real mother.  I have never met my father...apparently my mother got pregnant to trap him into marriage, but he didn't fall for it...so she adopted me out.  I hated her for a long time, but my adoptive parents raised me to be compassionate and loving, and while I had a few hang-ups about being adopted, I am grateful that my mother gave me up.  It is different in the US, I believe, but I feel you are doing the right thing. all the best

Answer 20

I strongly urge you to consult with other women who have relinquished children before you make a final decision.  Relinquishment does not solve one problem and end there.  It creates a whole new set of problems.  You need to weigh everything and the ladies who have done this before you can support you and provide information on what to expect if you decide to follow through.

You might want to consider checking out dialogue of adopted adults and adoptive parents to get an idea of what to expect for your child should he/she be adopted.  The feelings of adopted adults is certainly something to consider.  Some are unhappy about adoption, some are well adjusted and thankful and many others have thoughts/feelings in between.

You can get support from all triad members on this web site without being told what to do or insulted for your decision, whatever it may be:

http://www.taoforumnetwork.com

The area to discuss with women and men who have relinquished is OS: Our Sanctuary.

Don't let the father make you feel guilty for doing what is right for you and your child, whatever you decide that is.  You can offer to give him custody and let him parent the child if he is against relinquishment. If you parent I hope he steps up and helps out.  If not know that you may qualify for social services to get you through hard times.  If you *want* to parent, you can do it.  If not, don't let others shame you for what you feel is best for you and your child.

Answer 21

I think that your baby's father needs a vasectomy ASAP! And you need some good birth control pills.  And if he is going to have s*x with you, then it is as much his fault as yours that you are pregnant.  Tell him to put on a condom for pete's sake, and if he is not supporting the kids he has with you and not staying home all day to be Mr. Mom so you can work, you need to dump him and find a worthwhile man. The longer you stay with this loser, the less of a chance you are going to have to find someone who is worthwhile.  Men do not like baggage--their own or anyone else's.  The more kids you have the harder it will be to meet someone.   Why is he paying for kids that are not his?   If he is forced by the court to pay for yours, then the child support for the other woman's kids should be reduced accordingly.  Why does he say that you are a quitter?  What is he doing to help you?  If you got pregnant knowing that he was not going to want to pitch in a be a father with a wallet, then perhaps you should have had an abortion. But if you are too far along, then adoption is an intelligent and courageous choice.  I have been attending the meetings of a Waiting Families group. All the familes (some with kids and some couples without) are waiting for the day when the phone will ring and someone on the other end will tell them that their baby is ready for them to pick up.  There are no guarantees in life, but couples who have applied to adopt have had their homes inspected more than once, they have submitted references and filled out extensive questionnaires, they have been fingerprinted and had criminal background checks done on them usually. They have submitted their financial records to scrutiny too, and many are not rich, but they are comfortable and able to provide for the child. All in an effort to make sure that children are adopted to parents who will give them what they need.  I feel very favorable about adoption.  These families want a litttle one more than anything because they cannot have children of their own.

Answer 22

i feel that adoption can be hard on a kid, but since you would be giving the gift of life, you would do a great deed for that baby. and adoption can make another family very happy. and that father sounds like a b*****. dont listen to him becuase he sounds like a giant jerk. dont worry. whatever choice you make, it will make your baby happy no matter what you choose.

Answer 23

You're doing the right thing. Having an abortion and taking the easy way out would be the selfish thing to do.

As for the sperm donor, funny he says YOU shouldn't have had s*x at all, maybe he should have kept it in his pants. Has he ever heard of a condom? It takes 2 to make a baby.

Answer 24

the sperm donor sounds like a jerk, you are better of without him. From my experience the "fathers" always want the mother to keep the baby, but then don't want to have anything to do with raising or supporting it.

Adoption is one of the most selfless acts you can do. You gave a child the gift of life, and now you will give a couple the gift of creating a family. Believe me, its a hard decision to make, but you have to think about what is best for the baby. To be raised by a stable, loving family that is ready for a child, or to be raised by an unprepared tenager who still deserves to have her youth!!!

Answer 25

Obviously, the father of this child doesn't sound too willing to step up and help you take care of her if he would say horrible things like that to you. I would much rather see you give your baby up for adoption and give her a chance at a good life than to have aborted her.

Answer 26

Please listen to what Rox said. Take her words to heart.

If you can raise this child, do so.

Adoption is based on loss... loss for the moms who relinquish, loss for their other children (the children we parent), and loss for the adoptee. Don't underestimate this loss... it is profound, and it runs deep.

If you literally can't feed another child, then yes, adoption is something to look into. But if you can raise this child... do so.

You're not a quitter. Don't listen to the father. But please DO consider how your child might feel, losing his or her mom; how your other children might feel, losing their sibling; and how you will feel, losing your child.

For us moms, adoption doesn't eliminate problems or obstacles, it just throws up new ones. Are you prepared to feel empty and sad? To have physically, literally aching arms for nights on end? To feed your other children and cook for them with a hole in your heart and tears behind your eyes? What happens if you get depressed? How will that affect your plans and your visions of life without another child?

It looks like a win-win-win solution, I know... adoptive parents get a child, child gets a stable home, you get to devote all your time and attention to your other children and to moving forward in life. On the surface, it seems so logical.

But the problem with that surface image is that underneath, there is a world of loss. And YOU and your CHILDREN (all of them--the new baby, and your parented children) will be on the receiving end of that loss. That will have an impact on all of you, one that is hard to understand now, but still a profound impact.

Please really consider whether this is necessary. I don't think you are a quitter or a horrible person for considering this... it is natural and actually the sign of a GOOD mother to think through all possibilities... but keep in mind that there is more to adoption than the surface mirage of win-win-win. It's so much more complicated, and it's life-altering.