What are realistic boundaries when being flirted with?

Question

Last year my husband and I were at a family party, we are both middle-aged. An attractive woman he dated decades ago was there and paying a lot of attention to him and making me very uncomfortable (touching his thigh, staring intently at him, staying nearby), so I would periodically come over and hang out to ensure she knew he was taken, but I also didn't want to be the clingy insecure wife. He and I had talked a lot about how it made me feel, and we have tried to understand each other and put it behind us.

Last night the topic came up again, and he confessed that he was more aware of her attention than he'd previously let on (I figured he wasn't that dense), and that his ego was stroked that he probably could have "had her" if he wanted to (he was very emotional when he said this), and that she had e-mailed him afterwards but he didn't answer her because it wouldn't have been fair to anyone and he adores me. I do believe him, I don't think he would ever cross that line because he never did with his first wife, either...however, what are good boundaries in a situation like that? I feel that as soon as she started getting touchy with him, that he should have somehow excused himself from the situation or made it clear to her that she was out of line. Otherwise, how can I feel secure if he's in a situation where I'm not even there to keep an eye on things? I shouldn't have to rescue my husband from predatory women all the time. I don't care that his ego was pumped, mine probably would have been too in that situation. Am I asking too much? How do I help him understand that I trust him not to cross the line, but visuals like this are very painful for me? (I was cheated on in my first marriage so I am hypersensitive)

Answer 1

If the topic came up again last nite, then maybe he has been in touch with her still, tell him to show you his incoming email, and if he doesn't, there's your answer.

Answer 2

I've been at parties and other affairs where men have crossed the line with the amount of obvious attention they give me.  It doesn't matter if my husband is in the room or not, I usually just gently tell the man that the attention is embarrassing and that I would rather not have people talking behind my back and ask him to please cut it out.  Of course it is flattering to have someone of the opposite s*x show you that he thinks that you are attractive, but you also have to think about how unflattering it is to have people talk about you lack of moral character or to signal to your spouse that you don't care about his/her feelings.  Flirting crosses the line when it becomes an obvious attempt at seduction.  

Answer 3

If she's flirting, that's cool.  If he's doing it back, that's fine, too.  The contact is where you have to worry.  I'm married and I flirt but I don't allow myself to be touched.  It's not respectful to my wife.

Otherwise, you shouldn't go over to check on him, especially at middle age.  Have some confidence and let him make the right decisions.

Answer 4

In answer to the q about boundaries, yes, your husband should have shaken her off when the thigh-touching started. That is being a gentleman toward his wife. So he was wrong there. Here's what I would have done in your place. Not hung around him to "show" he was taken, not said anything, but just silently left. And if he had no car, well, he can get a ride, call a cab, etc. He should have been respectful and he wasn't. I don't stick around and torture myself, I leave.

In response to his having received an email and not replied to it, that doesn't sound so convincing. And why did this come up a year later. There is something going on here under the surface that is the reason you are still upset about this party as though it happened yesterday.

Answer 5

the boudaries are called  - respect - plain and simple- noone's ego should be at the expense of someone else's feelings and he should have known when it was happenign and especiually since he knew you were cheated on before to send that lady a message - and that message is: I am happily married get lost

Answer 6

One year later this should be old news and forgotten by now.

At the time, you should of kicked her w***e azz.....I would of!

Answer 7

As you said, you would have felt pretty "pumped" as well.  He seems like he's honest with you, you trust him.  The party flirting was just about over the line....but not actually over it.  The email WAS over the line.  Be glad he didn't respond...he loves you !

Answer 8

You can't control what he does.  If he would give in that easy then it's because he wants to, whether this woman is predatory or not.  It's as simple as him walking away.  That's all there is to it.  You need to talk to him and ask him to not place himself in the situation.  That is the best thing.

EDIT:  He also shouldn't have stood there keep talking to her.  You shouldn't have had to walk over or feel protective.  That's all there is to it.  And how did this woman get his email?  Something here makes no sense.  Why would he even want to keep in contact with such a woman?

Answer 9

I think you are 100% right.  He should not have allowed that situation to go as far as it did and now is the time for him to respond back to this woman and let me know that he is not interested and how it was inappropriate.  I don't disagree that it would have stroked anyones ego but the bottom line is that it was bordering on disrespect for you.  He should do the right thing and nip it in the bud before she feels like she can continue.