What are some funny jokes?

Question

i don't care if their racist or sexist or whatever

Answer 1

Short and funny jokes

   So one  day, a farmer wanted to buy a donkey. So he walked into the stable and said "Sir I’d like to buy an as*"

and the clerk pulled down his pants and said "Here’s a good one"

There was a blonde  who used to say, " everybody hates me. I am going to hang myself by the sidewalk to show people what they have done ".So she gets up in a tree with a rope and jumps out of the tree .A guy walking down the street  asked  her , "what are you doing.?" She said ,"hanging myself because nobody likes me anymore" .The guy asked her again, why is it around your waist ?" She says ,"oh I dont want to hurt myself."

Answer 2

Three men walk into a bar and the fourth one ducks.

Get it?

A man and his wife are leaving work and the wife says to her husband, "Finally the end of the day. T G I F, honey." The man calmly replies "S H I T." The woman wonders why her husband replied that way, so she says again "TGIF" and the man again calmly says "S H I T" The woman finally asks "Honey, why are you swearing? I'm just trying to say thank goodness its friday." Then the man replies "Sorry honey its thursday."

Answer 3

3 guys walk into a resturant and the 4th guy says ALRIGHT THEN GRAB ME SOME RUBBERS!! ahahahahaha that doesnt even make sense

Answer 4

There are three guys walking through the desert, and they were dying of thirst. Then, they came across a magician and a giant slide. The magician said, "When you go down the slide, yell the name of a drink, and then you will land in an enormous glass of whatever you yell." The first guy went down, and yelled, "WATER!!!!!!!!", and he landed in an enormous glass of water. The second guy went down, and yelled, "GATORADE!!!!!!!" and he landed in an enormous glass of a gatorade. Then, the second guy went down, and yelled, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Answer 5

What type of candy makes you laugh? - A lol-lipop

....Kind of corny, but hope this at least makes you giggle. =]

Answer 6

Have you heard the story about the yellow river....? It was written by I. P. Freely

Haha i love that one ;-)

Answer 7

Body Info... F. Y. I.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's p***s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

-------------

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those b*****s sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

Now, that's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

Answer 8

What do a shark and a rubber band have in common, they both are made of rubber, except for the shark!

lol

Answer 9

  The roosters mistake by Rhoda Duck  Under the bleachers by C More Butts, Spot on the wall by Whu Flung Dung.

Answer 10

Q: How do you get a one armed blond out of the tree

A: Wave to her...

Tee Hee

Or umm ok this is a long one but what the heck..

Ok this guys was at a bar ( that was on the 5th floor) with a friend.

They both watch this guy drink the biggest thing of beer and then jump out the window.... After a wile he would come back up and do it again.

Finally the one guy get the guts to go ask how he is jumping out the window and comeing right back up... ..

All he said was, " Ok you order the biggest thing of beer. Chug it and jump out the window and then you float to the bottom and come back up."

"Alright"

He orderd the biggest thing of beer chugs it and jumps out the window..... He was getting to the bottom and was not slowing down..       SPLAT!!!!!!!

The bar tender said, " Superman your a real big jerk when your drunk!"

Tee hee again...

Answer 11

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'."

                                   OR

Q. hat do you call a L*****n Eskimo?

A. A Klondike!

                                   OR

Knock knock

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch Who?

Bless you!

Answer 12

what do you call a snail on a ship?

a snailer!

a little cheesy but it got me laughing

also there is one about 3 men in a sana and one of the mens arms starts ringing so he says that he got a chip put in his arm so he doesn't have to carry around a phone one of the other men does the same thing so the third man goes to the bathroom and is wondering how he can outdo the other men so he comes back in and there is toilet paper hanging out of his butt crack and the other men tell him and he says oh my fax is coming in!

Answer 13

Well, the best I know is like a story you tell:

"Gods, my grandma gets so annoying at times! Whenever I attend a wedding she pokes me and tells me, squealing, that I'm next... Well, anyways, she stopped doing it when I started to do the same thing to her on funerals. *put in an evil grin at the end*"

Up until now, everyone I ever told that joke to broke down laughing ;P

I hope I could make your day a bit better, too <3

Answer 14

Here you'll find plenty of jokes:

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/

Answer 15

"A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Hey, why the long face?'"

Old, but a classic....