What are some funny sayings?

Question

preferably short, i'm drawing in chalk on the road and i'm running out of things to write haha

Answer 1

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz  



Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.  



The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch  



It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.  



Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.  



Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.  



I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.  



Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!  



The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.  



There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.  

Try this site..

Answer 2

A great web site with tons of useful quotations

http://www.5000quotations.com

Answer 3

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

I like work.  It fascinates me.  I  sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Answer 4

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

-- J. Paul Getty

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits

-- Albert Einstein

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.

-- Andrew Carnegie

  The road to success is always under construction.

-- Unknown

  

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

--Abraham Lincoln

Not much but they are my favourite =)

Answer 5

George Carlin

Why do we drive on a "parkway" and park on a "driveway"?

Jilly Cooper

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Maurice Chevalier

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.

Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Peter De Vries

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.

Ellen DeGeneres

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Robert Bloch

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.

Mark Twain

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.

source and more here:

http://quotations.about.com/od/funnyquot...

Answer 6

ghjvhv

Answer 7

Here are a few that I like:

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.  

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them