What are some good (funny) quotes or one liners?

Question

I need some good and funny one liners and quotes.

Example: "Some people are like slinkys; No purpose, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down stairs."

Best one, or if there are a lot posted by someone, wins!

Answer 1

when they put u together,they got ur mouth and butt confused. Because u talk out ur a** and nothing comes out ur face but s***.

Answer 2

many...

television programming is so bad these days that the best thing on tv is commercials!

when my little daughter got married, i didnt lose a daughter. i gained a son. he moved in with us!

if i were a flower, i bet even the bees would ignore me!

my eyesight is so poor, i have to wear glasses to find my glasses

being bald isnt al all bad. atleast you are the first person to know its drizzling!

Answer 3

if ur smart y not be intelligent?

Answer 4

Never do today what you can put off...until tomorrow....

You remind me of the ocean...cause you make me sick.

Friends are like butt cheeks...a lot of s****comes out of them but they're always together.

Answer 5

man: i love u

woman: (sneezes) o sorry i alergic to BULLS***

Answer 6

i think ill get me some strange tonight.....i'll go home.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

i hope i look like im listening

boys have feelings too but only for me

when i said "i'd hit that" i meant with my car!!

Answer 7

Guys are like public toilets - either occupied or full of c**p!

I'll add more later :P

Answer 8

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be g*y.

-- Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

-- Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

-- Demetri Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

-- Bill Cosby

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

-- Dave Allen