What are some good jokes??

Question

i mean seriously...actual funny ones! thanks

Answer 1

Husband and wife are driving down the highway. The husband confesses to having cheated for the last five years. In complete shock the wife reaches into the glove compartment pulls out a knife, chops off his di*k and throws it out the window.

The car behind them there is a father driving his 5 year old daughter, and splat it hits the windshield, the father freaks out and puts on the wipers fast hoping his daughter won't notice.

She asks"what was that daddy" and he replies "oh it was just a bug sweetie" and she replies, "well that bug had a big di*k!"

Answer 2

if money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches.

Answer 3

Ok i have 2 jokes, i hope you like them :)

(Joke #1)

Three men were on a plane and one had an apple, one had a peach, and one had a bomb. The plane started to have problems because it was carrying too much stuff so they tossed out some stuff including the bomb, the apple, and the peach. After this, a guy was driving around and saw a little boy crying. He stopped the car and asked the little boy why he was crying. The little boy said that a peach fell out of the sky, hit his puppy, and killed it.The man gave him a new puppy and went on driving. Next he came to a little girl who was crying. He stopped and asked why she was crying. She said that an apple fell out of the sky, hit her kitten on the head, and killed it. The man gave her a new kitten and went on driving. He then came to a blonde who was laughing hysterically and asked what was so funny. She said that she farted and blew up a building.

(Joke #2)

There were 2 muffins in a oven.

One muffin turns and asks the other muffin

is it hot in here or is it just me?

The other muffin YELLS in surprise AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

a talking MUFFIN.

Answer 4

go on funnyandjokes.com

hilarious.

Answer 5

A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have s*x, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.

A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: "WANTED. Husband that won't beat me or kick me. "Good s*x a must."

A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.

"Well, you don't have any arms." she notices. "I can't beat you then, can I?" he replies.

"And you don't have any legs!" "SO! That only means I can't kick you."

She pauses for a moment and then asks, "Well what about the s*x?" He answers confidently,

"How do you think I knocked on the door."  

Answer 6

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink and notices there isn't a juke box in the bar, he asks the bartender what they did for music in there. The bar tender reaches under the bar and pulls out this tiny piano, then reaches back down and pulls out this tiny guy who sits down and starts to play.

The guy in amazment says "wow, he is unreal, where did you get him??!!" The bartender replies..."I have a genie" he reaches under the bar, pulls out a bottle, rubs it and sure enough out pops a genie. "Go ahead, make a wish" the bartender tells the guy sitting at the bar.

Thats an easy one the guy says... " I want a million bucks!!" The genie snaps her fingers, blinks her eyes and POOF... all of a sudden there are ducks all over the place, on the bar, under the bar, outside the bar... everywhere...DUCKS.

The guy tells the bartender angrily, "I SAID A MILLION BUCKS, NOT A MILLION DUCKS!!!"  To which the bartender replies.."yeah, and I guess you think I wasted my wish on a twelve inch pianist!"

Answer 7

Okay....okay...okay how bout this one...Why is your @ss sooo big???......because you ate too many donuts!!! hahahahaha..lol.

Answer 8

What do poofters (g**s)and bungee jumpers have in commen?The rubber breaks their both in the ****.

Wheres the best place to be when theirs A terrorist alert?The local swimming pool because they have A sign saying no bombing.

What do steroids and the KKK have in commen?They both make black People run faster..

Hope you like em..

Answer 9

Ok I got one...

Who is a girl who is in need of answers fast and has a question that is VERY important and would be happy if people would answer?

Answer 10

two cats are racing across a lake. One is american named "one two three ' cat and the other is french named "Un duex trois" cat. WHo won the race?

The american cat won because "Un duex trois" cat  sank

                                                                   "quatre cinq"

Answer 11

Well, I think this is a really good one:

Memory's Going

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

--------------------------------------

Isn't it?

Answer 12

why didnt the oyster give to charity? because hes shellfish

ahh

Answer 13

Here is one that's not too funny.  I heard an office assistant torturing her poor office manager with jokes like these while I waited to give a ride to a friend...........

What kind of bee makes milk?

A boo-bee.  (Get it, boobie?)

Answer 14

Two ninety year old men, Joe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Joe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Joe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Jesus playing baseball

Sam looks up at Joe from his death bed, and says, "Joe, you've been my best friend many years. If it is at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Joe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Joe.... Joe...."

"Who is it?" says Joe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Joe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Joe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Joe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams!

But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday."



  

Answer 15

http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index...

http://www.ahajokes.com/

Answer 16

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

Answer 17

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know - it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”

To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

ps im blonde and i still think its funny