What are some good jokes?

Question

i haven't heard any good jokes lately..what are some??

i want REALLY funny..like pee my pants funny! like fall of the chair funny.. like have a heart attack funny.. like...really funny!!!

Answer 1

A man goes to a pet store and as he walks down the bird aisle, he hears a parrot say, "Hey over here!"  The man goes up to the bird as it explains the fact that it understands language and can hold a conversation.  But the man notices the parrot has no feet and it has it's p***s wrapped around the perch - that's how it's holding on.

The parrot begs the man to purchase him and hints that if he mentions the defect, the price would be slashed to pennies on the dollar.  It is done so the man takes his parrot home.

The next day, the man arrives home and finds the parrot in a frantic and tells him, "Your wife.............she opened the door for the FedEx guy and she was wearing a black-lace teddy..........he comes in.........he's touching her all over..........they're kissing.....and touching.......and rubbing..........and"   The man asks, "And then what happened?"  The parrot says, "I don't know, I got a b0ner and fell off my perch."

Answer 2

A man goes to a cllinic to speak to a psychiatrist.

He's completely  naked except for the plastic wrap he is wearing as underwear.

The Doc comes out to greet him.

The man says "Doc, I think I need help..."

The doctor cuts him off saying, "Well, I can clearly see...your nuts."

Answer 3

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for

years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's

habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would

wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her

gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping

them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly

natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he

would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one

Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner

and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she

had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the

spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl

and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently

pulling back bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his

underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual

trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and

the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The

wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had

got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She

bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have

warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting

my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of

God,some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back

in.  

Answer 4

Lover of Jehovah, that is one disgusting joke lol! but I love it =D.

Answer 5

your a squirel at the beech.there are peepl swimin in the  er.  ther r sokcz snrklin and a guy sellin beef & sushi flavored cotton candy

how many racoons do you see?

Answer 6

i have a few try these if they can do the trick~~!!!!!

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

joke2~~~!!!!The perfect woman~~~!!!!!!!!

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

joke 3

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

joke4

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

joke5

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Answer 7

A man is trying out a horse that he wants to buy, and the owner says, " all you need to remember is two commands. The first is 'praise the Lord' and the horse will go really fast. and whenever you want him to stop you gotta say 'amen'" so the guy took him out and yelled "praise the Lord!" After he was riding for a while he saw a cliff in the distance and he was heading straight for it. but he forgot what to say when you want the horse to stop. so he starting praying " Jesus i'll be good the rest of my life, just please let me live! in Jesus' name, Amen." the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.  The man sighed, "Whew! Praise the Lord!"

Answer 8

It's not exactly a joke, and it's a true story, but it sure as heck is funny!

Email

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

In the mean time:

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

  

Answer 9

Okay, so a guy and his girlfriend are ready to make love for the first time, and the girl is inviting him over for dinner to meet her parents first. the guy stops at a pharmacy to pick up some condoms and since this is his first time he has no idea what to get so this very generous pharmacist is nice enough to help him out after the boy explains to him the situation that its his first time and all and they have a 20 minute long conversation about everything he needs to know. after hes finished he heads over to the girl's house and sits down at the table and waits for his girlfriend and her parents.  as soon as he sees them he puts his head down under the table and says "I'd like to say a silent grace"  The family agrees and they bow their heads to pray.  The guy keeps his head down for and extremely long period of time.  Finally, after 20 minutes his girlfriend leans over and whispers "I had no idea you were so religious" to which the guy replies "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!