What are some hilarious jokes?

Question

i need to cheer my friend up, i feel bad for him.

and i could use a good laugh too.

got any?

thanks =)

Answer 1

okay...I know one.

There is a Chinese person who lives in Hong Kong in the desert, and he is lost and thirsty. He says, "I wish I could drink some water...I'm so thirsty!" And then God suddenly appears and says, "It's your lucky day! You can have three wishes and I will grant them for you!"

And the man says, "Okay. My first wish is that I want to go back home and drink lots of water."

Then God says, "Okay. What about your second question?"

The man says, "I want lots of girls. Lots of them."

"Okay, what's the third question?"

"I want to be a Caucasian, I want my skin to be white. Chinese people in Hong Kong, they don't have a nice life there, but the Caucasians do."

God says, "Okay. Wishes granted!"

*Ping*

The man was transformed into a toilet in a female bathroom.

Answer 2

Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers? Cause a prostitute can wash her crack and resell it! Lol!  

Answer 3

i have few joke try these if they can o the trick~~!!!!!!!!!!!

joke 1

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

joke 2

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

joke3

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

The first nurse said, "She was just trying to comfort you. what's so frigtening about that?"

Patient: "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

joke4

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

Answer 4

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds".

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards. ;)

Answer 5

whats the leading cause of child molestation?

s**y children.

HA!