What are some "positive" aspects of being adopted?

Question

I'm probably going to regret asking this question...but as I read the questions and answers in this forum I can't help but to feel more and more negative towards adoption. I have an adopted son from Guatemala. I also have two older biological children. My husband and I adopted our youngest son from Guatemala when he was 3 years old. He had been relinquished by him birth mom who was pregant with twins.

Because we agreed to adopt him he went into foster care (our expense) rather than an orphanage. We brought him home about a year later.

He has adjusted well and is a real joy to have around. I'm not under the illusion that everything will be roses from here on out....but it's quite depressing to read the posts around here.

Are there ANY success stories? Are there any adoptees that are actually happy with their adopted parents? I know that in a perfect world my son would have been better off with his biological mom. But sometimes, that is not an option. Please be nice

Answer 1

Family your adopted by may be able to financially provide more than birth parents.

Adopted parents "want" to become parents. And usually have all the kinks worked out before baby arrives. (So they may be more prepared)

Adopted parents get the chance to love a child they may never had with out the adoption.

Answer 2

Of course I was happy with my adoptive parents.  The things that I feel pain about are things that have nothing to do with them.

Let me ask you a question: have you ever lost something that was very, very dear to you and nobody would help you find it?  Not only that, but people would actually tell you to be grateful for losing it?  What if somebody actually had it, but you couldn't access it because it was "none of your business"?  This thing being highly personal and highly valuable yet nobody seemed to feel that you had any business to it?

This has nothing to do with adoptive parents.  It is about losing our first families, our histories, our genealogies...and having that kept secret, records sealed, and attitudes pervading that we should be grateful, we should "get over it", we should be thankful we weren't aborted.  How nice is it to hear that kind of talk?  Would anyone say that kind of thing to their biological child (or to anyone not adopted??)

Hopefully I've put this in a way that is understandable to someone who hasn't lived it.

Answer 3

Most kids aren't even happy with their real parents.  No family is going to be happy and get along all the time.  He will wonder what his real mom was like or what his life would be like with her, but in the end he is better off with someone who has the resources to take care of him.  Kids are kids, they will hate you for one thing or another, but as long as you have done your job as a parent in the end they just love you even though life wasn't perfect.  That's the first lesson in life anyway, it will never be perfect of fair, no such thing, so make the best out of what you have and be grateful for what you have.  Good luck.

Answer 4

My best friend was adopted from Indonesia, he's now 26 years old he's been with them since he was around 4 years old...he loves his adoptive parents & they in turn love him, there was some initial concerns, like for example he was very small and they thought he would be a dwarf or something but the doc said he's perfectly normal & sure enough he hit a growth spurt in his teenage years. The relationship between them were soo good his parents adopted another male child and that one is another success story, the parents were so happy with they started on the process of adopting another child, a girl this time but it was not to be as the mother realized she had a terminal disease and they have been by her side giving her emotional support and they've been paying medical bills and physical therapy etc you know they're better than a blood relative would have been. I know that they love her and they have never even looked for their biological mum because they don't feel as if they are missing anything in their lives.

I think it all depends on you, the love and attention you give them as well as the morals & values that you teach them, if you love, accept & treat him as your own, then he will do the same for you.

Answer 5

I am happy with my adoptive parents.  Really.  I am.  I have had a good life.  I grew up with people who loved me and took care of me.  I would never want to minimize that.  

When I express negativity about adoption, it is not aimed at my adoptive parents.  It's just that adoption, for me, meant losing something important, it meant losing my first mother.  I've spent most of my life hiding that grief and pain because it wasn't okay to express it.  

For me, that's a lot of the problem.  There are lots and lots of voices expressing the "joys" of adoption.  I feel joy because of my adoptive parents.  But the joys of adoption?  That needs to be tempered.  Plenty of people speak to that.  Only recently, it seems, have a few of us found our voices to speak to the darker side of this phenomenon.

Answer 6

I was adopted from Korea when I was almost 2 and have 2 older brothers who are biological to my adoptive parents.  I'm not sure why there are so many negative people on this forum.  I have had nothing but a positive, wonderful experience.  I didn't grow up feeling a big void because I was adopted.  I didn't long to find my birth family.  Even today, as a grown woman, the only reason I'd ever pursue finding my biological parents is to find out medical history because that's a little unnerving but that's it.  If I went the rest of my life and never met them, that would be fine to me.  My parents gave me a loving, wonderful home where I had all the material things I needed plus all the most important things like love, boundaries, kindness, structure, etc.  

Don't let other people get you down.  Now, I will say, your child might one day want to meet his brother since he was a TWIN which is a pretty cool thing.  The only thing I wonder about sometimes is whether or not I have brothers or sisters....and now you have me wondering if I have a twin or something!  The unknown part of adoption is fascinating to me, not traumatic or upsetting.  I've never thought for one second that I was unloved or unwanted.  My identity was never based around me being adopted - it was around who I was inside period.  I always felt my birth mother probably gave me up because she didn't have the resources to give me the attention or love she knew I would need.  And for that selfless act, I will be eternally grateful.

Answer 7

Well the obvious benefit of being with a parent that can raise him better than the biological parent could.  You took over the role of the biological parent to give the child a better life.  That is the best benefit that the child could possibly ask for.

Answer 8

Your comment "He has adjusted well" is one of the most common I hear from adoptive parents.  But this is a monumental assumption.

I am not criticizing, nor am I condemning.  I am merely pointing out that what you perceive may not be entirely true.

Adoptees have no choice but to "adjust."  After all, what is their alternative?  To kick and scream and, so, risk being abandoned again?

We adjust and we adapt.  But this is not necessarily by choice.  Many do it against their will - or, rather, against nature.  Because nature tells us that the situation is "wrong."  Yet, what choice do we have?

It is not so much a matter of being happy with the adoptive parents as it is being UNhappy at having to be in such a situation.  The adoptee has suffered the greatest loss a human being can suffer - the loss of his original mother and family.

These unhappy feelings will, if not addressed and resolved, become buried, suppressed, "forgotten."  But this is unresolved grief that will be carried into adulthood - unless you give him permission to express it and work through it.

If you can accomplish this with your adopted child, whether he will be happy with you will then depend on the quality of your parenting for the remainder of his childhood.

Answer 9

Positive aspects of being adopted.....

I see most of the positive aspects in adoption falling into the adoptive parents benefit. They wanted a child, they got a child. They didn't have to lose an identity or family in order to achieve an adoption.

I can see permancy, stability, and a home important for children in the foster care system who have been removed from their first families for neglect as a positive. But I don't credit that to being positive aspect of adoption, because I personally believe that permanency, love, stability etc. can be achieved without adoption.

I dont think a child should ever lose their family because their family is poor.

In third world countries thats the number one reason for surrender. I couldn't sleep at night with a child in my home from another country who's family didn't really want to surrender him, just couldn't afford him. Or who's govt. forced the surrender on the mother, or who's govt. didn't give any family support options. It doesn't take a perfect world for all of this, and it hurts me to see people selfishly benefiting off of others losses that are out of their control.

I guess....i can't find many positive aspects to adoption for the adoptee. sigh.

Answer 10

Well, you wanted him.  With adopted kids, they KNOW they weren't an accident.  You went through a lot just to get him!  

Both my mom and my Dad were adopted.  The relationship between them and their parents is exceptional.  

It depends on the person.  Unless they're teenagers.  All teenagers have a beef with their parents!

Just raise him and love him.  Of course he's going to have questions about his birth mother.  Why would you think that she would make a better mother than you?  She gave him up!  

My family adopts all the time (7 kids in the last 10 years).  Mostly from Russia.

Answer 11

When you're adopted, you're chosen! I was adopted at birth and have a wonderful, loving family. My birth parents could not take care of me and my birth dad was an alcoholic who would be gone for weeks at a time. I thank God that he provided a family for me. My sister and I grew up with our biological brother and never felt like we were "adopted." We've got our family, and there are no others.

Answer 12

love, hope for new, and ability to do and live better than before

Answer 13

There are tons of happy stories :)

We are good friends with a family who have two adopted sons, now aged 23, and 19 years old, both adopted at birth from seperate families and are 100% happy, secure and well adjusted individuals with nothing but love for their adoptive parents and no desire to contact their birth parents in either case.

Our own story is that we adopted a 4 year old boy who had been in foster care for over a year following being born to a very young mother who could not cope.  His foster family were not in a position to adopt him when he became eligible, so  being that we were on a list, we were offered to take him. He came to us in June of this year and is the happiest little boy out.  He is literally the sunshine of our lives and we just know he will grow up happy and secure and loved. The positive of this is that he will be with us now into his adulthood and will think of us as his parents and will be loved and treasured by us as if he were biologically ours and will have no more moving around, ups and downs and insecurity.

Having known a lot of adoption sucess stories, we feel confident that our son will turn out just fine.  We have also taken advice of specialist regarding how to teach him about his adoption and have child-friendly books on the subject which we show to him now and then to make the subject not one big shock or a taboo for him when he is older.

I am sure there are TONS of positive stories - perhaps this section just doesn't represent them too well.  I wish you and your son well, I am sure everything will be just great!

Answer 14

I was adopted by my mom's second husband, and I know I lived a better life because of it. I have so much respect for my dad. Even though I wasn't "his" child, he raised me with so much love and affection. He never showed my 2 little sisters (his biological children) any more love than he showed me. I don't think I could ever have more respect for any other person than I have for him.

My biological father ended up in prison for molesting the daughter of his second wife. If my mother had stayed with him, that could have been me he hurt.

My best advice is to be as open and honest with your adopted son as possible. I hope he has the same love and admiration for you and your husband that I have for my dad.

Answer 15

My story:

Twenty-eight years ago, I was born to a teenage girl. But, wait; do not feel sorry for me.  You see, imperfect beginnings do not have to have bad endings.  This girl, at such a young age made a very mature decision.  She decided to give both herself and me the chance to have a brighter future.  She gave me up for adoption through Catholic Charities.

            My parents are the people who raised me.  A rarity these days, not only were they high school sweethearts, they are still very happily married, after 33 years.  If you met them, you would tell me that I get my intelligence and logic from my father.  And that I look just like my mother and have her spirit.  People do not believe my mother when she tells them that I am adopted.  They tell her:  "But she looks just like you" or "She acts just like her dad."

            I have a younger brother, also adopted, who is the typical youngest child, laid-back, friendly, and loving.  He is also and all-star athlete.

            But my family does not end there.  I have a huge extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, who I am very close with.

            I do not have a memory of finding out that I was adopted.  I just always knew it, but was never made to fell different because of that.

            I mentioned that BC is the typical youngest child.  Well, I am the textbook oldest child.  I tell my mother, "You may not have brought me into this world, but you sure have pushed me into it!"  Not really, but my parents always taught me to challenge myself and work hard.

            I was very active in high school and went to college on an ACT scholarship.  I completed my bachelor's degree in three years while working two jobs.  And then went straight into graduate school, where I excelled.  I was named an MBA Star Student and served as MBA Association President.  I graduated a year later at 22.  Since then I have worked in sales and in public relations.  I also own a production company, model, and am involved in my community.  I have a very well-rounded and successful life.

            I am who I am today because of my parents.  I am where I am today because of the work of Catholic Charities and the mature decision of a very young girl.

Hope this helps!

Answer 16

I usually say the positive aspect of my adoption is that I ended up in a great family.  But I was lucky in that, just as people who are born into great families are lucky, so I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with being adopted.

I think it was a positive for my first mother to escape the stigma of being a single mother in 1965, although relinquishment surely didn't feel positive to her.  It was a positive for my a'parents got to start a family, though I suspect, at least at the time, they'd have preferred to have their own kids.  I feel sure I'm better off with them (by which I mean in non-material ways) than I would have been with my first mother.  

I'm as successful a story, I think, as adoption stories get.  I love my a'parents and I'm glad I'm in their family.  It's still been a very confusing, lonely, alienated way to grow up.

Tough question that!

Answer 17

Me!!! I'm happy.  I'm successful.  I have a college degree.  I love my adoptive mom.  I have fabulous kids and a terrific husband.  I don't do drugs.  I rarely drink and I really like to knit.

But I'm still a little miffed at being left at the hospital by my firstmom at three days old.  Can you blame me?

And I'm not mad at my adoptive family for that.  They had nothing to do with it.  It wasn't about them.

Your son will most likely grow to be a happy and well adjusted person too.  Of course he will.  But don't you honestly think he's going to possibly have some kind of issues about the fact that his first mother put him up for adoption because she was having more kids?  Wouldn't you be a little ticked if that happened to you?

The good news is that it doesn't have to rule his life.  It doesn't have to consume him.  He gets to decide, if, when or how angry he is and what if anything he can or can not do about it.

Answer 18

The only first-hand information I can give you is that in high school, one of our best football players was an adoptee.  His parents were almost elderly.  He had high morals, kindness, and though he was quiet, had loyal friends who knew how to make him laugh.  He went on to college with a football scholarship and succeeded in business.