What are some reasons that people give their children up for adoption?

Question

I'm an adoptee, and I'm trying to decide if I want to search for my biological parents. It just scares me to think that if I do find them, that I'll find out that they never wanted me in the first place. (I was born before Roe vs. Wade) I was wondering if some first mothers could give me reasons that they give up their children. Do you ever think of them? Do you care about them or was it an easy decision? I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm just hoping that i can get some perspective so that I can decide what to do.

Thank you.

Answer 1

Hi- I'm a birthmom.  Regardless of what anyone might tell you here, the decision of whether or not to look for your biological parents can only be made by you, depending on what's in your heart- you either know you're ready, or you know you're not.  

To answer your questions, though:  Of course I think of the baby I gave up.  I don't believe any birth parents don't think of the babies they gave up, unless they are in serious denial.  Your next question "Do you care about them or was it an easy decision?" I hope was accidental.  It isn't one or the other.  YES I care about her, and YES it was an easy decision.  It was an easy decision BECAUSE I care about her.  I did not want children at the time I got pregnant with her.  I was 20 when she was born.  Many women become mothers much sooner than that today, but I was still nowhere near ready to become a parent.  I wanted better for her, but just as much, I wanted better for myself.  I went to college- if I had kept her, I am 110% positive I would have been working at least full time and on every kind of government assistance available, and the odds that I would have stayed in school are slim.  That's no life to bring a baby into, in my opinion.  I have lived a better life without her, and I know she has lived a MUCH better life than I could have given her.

Even if you find out that "they never wanted you", that doesn't make YOU any less of a person.  You are still who you are, right here, right now.  You have to learn how to make that enough, adopted or not.

Hope that helps~

Answer 2

I found out I was pregnant on the last leg of a broken marriage.  I also was raising a three year old daughter.  Shortly after we split, he disappeared.  I moved to my parents house and slowly began to rebuild my life.  I knew I was not ready for another child.  I knew I was not emotionally prepared for this again and I had a dark fear that I might accidently hurt one of them if I got overwhelmed.  I started the adoption plan in my seventh month.  Yes, I loved her then and I love her still.  And it was because I loved both of my children that I knew that it would not be fair to either one of them if she remained with me.  I hope that makes sense.  I think about her all the time.  She's still a baby.  Only eight months old.  But that is why I relinquished.  

But I think with your case, it might very well be that she was forced to relinquish you.  There was no choice for her.  Considering the mixed feelings that first moms from that era all feel, it ireally is hard to say how she might react to contact with you.  I was not alive then, and I could not possibly understand what they were going thru then.  I cannot even fathom how they feel now!  I made a conscious choice....those women before me did not have that option.

Answer 3

I was a young mom and thought of the option, but age is a big factor. (I had help and support and married). unstable,rape, incest,  and just knowing your not ready.....just try to think of it that they loved you enough to give you life....your mom could of had a abortion....Tresure your life and thank them for it.

Answer 4

Reading the book 'The Girls Who Went Away' by Ann Fessler will answer your question thoroughly.  It certainly opened my eyes about what our mothers went through.

Here's a video that might help see what our mothers' 'choices' were back then:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zvO75R-QrqA

Also, you are entitled to apply for 'non-identifying information' which will give an idea of the reasons for relinquishment

or, if you live in one of the few states where adult adoptees are permitted to access their records, go ahead and request them.  Accessing your records puts you under no obligation to make contact

eta.   I'm not sure whether Joslin is old enough to have counselled 500 mother during the 'baby scoop era' prior to Roe v. Wade

Regarding other people's bad reuinions - I think problems arise when people do not prepare themselves.  You will never know what your individual experience might be until you go through it yourself.  I know, it's scary.  Personally I think knowing is better than not knowing, whatever the outcome.

Answer 5

You must be prepared for your reunion to go either way. You know nothing of the circumstances of your birth.  I gave my daughter up in jan 1972. We were counseled in how to give your baby up and not how to keep her. Being an unwed mother was not a good thing to be. There was a lot of shame in being one. My now inlaws were adament that we give her up since abortion was not an option. We did what we were told, but a year and a half later, we married. We are thrilled that we have our bdaughter in our life, along with her, we also got 3 grandkids. They all call us by our first names and that is fine. I just want you to be prepared for anything. I think the majority of us bmoms are happy to be reunited.

Answer 6

Having counseled over 500 birth mothers, I can tell you some of the reasons given to me:

1.  Wanting to give the baby a mom and a dad.

2.  Wanting to give the baby financial security.

3.  Not being able to take care of themselves, much less a baby.

4.  Not being able to take care of another child.

5.  New boyfriend.

6.  Homeless and no job.

7.  Positive drug screen and therefore protective services involvement.

8.  Not husband's child.

9.  Not ready to be a parent.

10.  Not wanting to be linked to the father.

Never have I heard that a birth mother chose adoption because there was no feeling for the baby!. Quite the contrary, there is a lot of sacrifice involved - women often (not always) putting the needs of their child before their own need to parent.

Answer 7

Because they were forced or coerced.

Answer 8

I believe that my bparents gave me away because they had goals that would have been harder and taken longer to achieve if they had a baby around.  They were healthy, married, she in college, he gainfully employed, lots of family support...but they didn't want me.

They say now that it was the hardest thing they ever did.  They also say they had no idea of the ramifications that giving me away would produce and follow them throughout their lives.  Frankly, I'm not so sure I believe that.

Answer 9

I believe the majority of adoptions before r v w were because of unwed pregnancies, and in most cases the mothers were pressured into it. You should give it a try, my mother gave one up in that time frame and would give anything to find her.btw she is married now to the father and he feels the same as she does.

Answer 10

What a good question.

My sister, who my family adopted before Roe v. Wade, was born to parents who weren't married (in fact, I believe one of them was married to someone else).  They decided the best thing for her was to put her up for adoption.  Eventually they did marry.

She did get in touch with them in her 20s, and has had on and off contact since.

Answer 11

first of all, i am an adoptee, but just in case my biomother doesnt answer (Lori A) i want her reasons to be heard. and these are real reasons, not my perspective.

drug and alcohol addiction

unwed mother (least of her problems)

father fresh out of vietnam, not very stable state

abuse

teenage parent

the biggest reason though was her families history of incest. she was a victim for most of her life and would rather give me up and live with the pain and loss than to bring me home and become the next victim.

she saved my life.

now all that being said, spanky makes an honest and valid point. many are not given an option or they are given diluted scenerios. this really does happen. its sick and wrong, but it doesnt stop them.

Answer 12

SOME MOTHERS MAY FEEL THEIR NOT READY

Answer 13

Hi

People give up their children for a variety of reasons such as:

1)  The mother was raped and decided to give the baby up for

      adoption instead of having an abortion

2)   The parents were unable to provide for the baby financially

3)   The baby was unplanned and the parents were not ready

       to handle the responsibility of caring for a child

4)   The child had a severe mental or physical illness and the

      parents didn't want the child (selfish but it happens)

5)   The mother was probably forced to give the child up for adoption

I've never been a parent, but I'm sure mothers do think of the children they gave up for adoption, and may even regret doing it, but they wanted the child to have a better life than what they could give them in some cases.   I think you should try to find your parents because you don't know what the circumstances were concerning your adoption.  They may want a relationship with you, and giving you up probably wasn't an easy decision.  It may ease the guilt your parents may have if you decide to meet them.  If you do decide to meet them, I wish you the best of luck =)

Answer 14

My father offered my mother marraige - but her mother (my grandmother) sent her to another state - and told her - "Do NOT come back with that baby".  

She was placed in an unwed mothers home - where many women were told that it was far better to give their children up for adoption - and go home and 'get over it' afterwards.

My father has told me that there was no way they would have been able to keep me.

(this was in 1969)

My parents married 6 months after my birth - and went on to have 3 more kids.

I found them this last 2 years.

It's been a very up and down reunion - but I finally received a photo of them 2 days before Christmas - and it's the best present I've ever received!!

Completely worth all the ups and downs!

If you need ANY support - pop on over to AAAFC - a forum for adoptees - by adoptees - from around the world (it's great!) -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 15

1st of all i am sorry ur adoptee and i am not a mother but i think its because they cant afford the child and you should find your parents find out where you come from

Good luck!

Answer 16

Let me help you understand the times. It was unheard of for a woman to have a child out of wedlock. Especially a "good girl". They were sent away by their parents and told what to do. I am a first mom and I would love to hear from my daughter. Even though I didn't do it during the "baby scoop" era, I was older and I had that mentality. Unmarried, pregnant women were still frowned on. It has now become OK. There were some other issues, but what I'm trying to say, is more than likely, she didn't want to give you away, but had no choice. More than likely, she has suffered mental anguish that very few people can relate to or understand. More than likely, she has thought about you everyday of your life and dreams of seeing you. With that being said, please keep in mind, that this journey is unpredictable and will have its ups and downs. I'll try to find a link to a support group that BOTH of you can utilize in the event that you find each other. You've probably imagined the very worst case scenarios and the best case scenarios. Your experience will probably fall in the "grey" area.

Concerned United Birthparents (CUB):

http://cubirthparents.org

Origins-USA:

http://origins-usa.org

Best wishes. Move forward.

Answer 17

Just wanted to say thanks to those who thumbs downed Rachael's answer.  (sarcasm for those in doubt)

THAT BEING SAID: i did it because I loved her that much. She has stated the reasons and they are accurate. The Vietnam thing, it wasn't that he came home and was not ready for a child. We didn't know if he was going to be coming home, and the programs available today were non existant then. I did it so she would be exactly who she is today, not a carbon copy of me.

Rachael and I have a great relationship, almost 9 years strong, and YES, I thought about her all the time. Time changes many things. (Their reasons in the beginning may not be the way they feel now). I think you should give it a try if you can find the strength. Strength is what it will take as there is "always" the possibility of rejection. Go into it with the attitude (real or false) that you are there to get information about your medical history, ancestry, etc.. and be willing to leave it at that. If more becomes of it you got more than you bargained for, if not, you got what you needed. It sounds cold but it is a safeguard.

BTW: Rachael and I found her father 4 months ago and that was a good reunion also. He thought about her too, very much, and appologized to both of us for the way things turned out. He had nothing to appologize for. He had no control over Vietnam. We are all good friends today.

Answer 18

I met my birthmom about a year ago and I asked her just a little while ago why she gave me up.  She said that although she loved me she didn't want to or feel capable to be a mom.  She didn't have any other kids after me either so I guess it was the truth.  She thought I would be so angry with her but I'm not angry at all because I've got these neighbours who didn't really want their kids and the kids know I would hate to grow up feeling like my mom resented me.  So I'm not a birthmom but that's the reason my birthmom gave me up so if you want to find them you should because they might have a reason that you haven't thought of and I'm sure they did and do love you so good luck!